The Cup (1999)
The Footballer: Ronaldo, buck-toothed striker extraordinaire for the Brazilian national team.
The Moment: Orgyen, a football obsessed novice attends morning prayers at his monastery with his mind full of the 1998 World Cup. As his tutor reprimands him for his distracted manner, Orgyen enjoys a smile to himself, knowing that he's wearing his Ronaldo shirt under his robes.
Commentary: "Plays by his own rules that lad, always has. That's why the fans love him."
The Footballer: Vinnie Jones, in his second outing with mockney auteur Guy Richie, playing another London hard man, Bullet-Tooth Tony.
The Moment: Tony traps Ewan Bremner's tie in his car window, gently pressing his foot down on the accelerator to take the poor sod on a less than comfy ride.
Commentary: "I think there was a bit of pulling there. The referee wants to keep an eye on that."
Gun Of The Black Sun (2011)
The Footballer: Arsenal legend, chat show host and occasional Chicken Tonight vendor, Ian Wright Wright Wright, making his big-screen bow in this low-budget British sci-fi.
The Moment: Reading from a newspaper known only as The Daily , Wrighty reads out the story accompanying the headline, "Music Mad Neo-Nazi Murders Family". Well worth digging out on YouTube, if only for Wright's pained expression...
Commentary: "Goodness me, you couldn't make it up, could you?"
Kicking And Screaming (2005)
The Footballer: Will Ferrell plays the increasingly demented coach of his son's football team, prowling the touchline with barely contained rage.
The Moment: Having seen his side take the lead, Ferrell celebrates a little too enthusiastically by pushing a small boy from the opposition to the ground.
Commentary: "He might be a manager from the old school, but he can expect a call from the FA after that one."
Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
The Footballer: Former Liverpool striker Stan Collymore, seen here indulging in a spot of auto-erotica with Sharon Stone. Odd.
The Moment: Their car goes ploughing into a river, leaving poor old Stan to drown. Pretty funny scene, to be honest…
Commentary: "Collymore has scored again here, but that won't stop him finishing on the losing side."
The Damned United #1 (2009)
The Footballer: Don Revie's Leeds United team, universally known as "Dirty Leeds", lead by pint-sized niggler Billy Bremner, played here by Stephen Graham.
The Moment: Leeds take on Brian Clough's Derby County on a rain-drenched, mudbath of a pitch in a scene that perfectly captures the blood and thunder nature of '70s football.
Commentary: "Ooh, a hefty challenge there, but it's a contact sport. We don't want to lose that, do we?"
The Footballer: Ball-punching, English-baiting genius-cum-cheat, Diego Maradona.
The Moment: Despite the fawning lionising that goes on throughout much of this documentary, there's still nothing that can take away Maradona's other goal against the English, which remains a thing of purest beauty.
Commentary: "Pack it in, lads. We may as well go home…"
A Shot At Glory (2000)
The Footballer: Serial goal-poacher and Question Of Sport chuckle-merchant Ally McCoist, seen here playing a, er, footballer.
The Moment: Trading a spot of light banter with Robert Duvall, super Ally pulls alongside the screen legend as he trundles along on his bicycle. "You should try this new invention, Gordon," he chortles. "It's called a car." Brilliant.
Commentary: "Shitting hell, is that Ally McCoist? In a leading role? Unbelievable, Jeff."
Purely Belter (2000)
The Footballer: Howay man! It's wor Alan Shearer, favourite son of the misty-eyed Geordie nation.
The Moment: Shearer's acting career hits the high notes with a cameo role in this heartwarming North East tale. "What can I do for you, lads?" he says blankly, mumbling like a malfunctioning robot. It's that kind of charisma that's made him a fixture on the MOTD sofa.
Commentary: "Oh dear. He won't want to see that one again when he gets home this evening."
Goal! The Dream Begins #1
The Footballer: It's Big Al again, in another Newcastle-centric cameo. What's he learned since last time around, then?
The Moment: Not much it would seem, as She-Ra grunts at Kuno Becker to get off the weight machine before acting the big man and massively cranking up the load. Flash git.
Commentary: "And there's Shearer, making his team-mate feel a total dick. What a captain."
Fever Pitch #1 (1997)
The Footballer: A young version of the Nick Hornby character in this dramatised version of his seminal memoir of football fandom.
The Moment: The young lad arrives at Highbury for the first time in his life, climbing the stadium steps before emerging into the stands, the green of the floodlit pitch illuminated before him. Magical.
Commentary: "And this is what it's all about. He's waited a very long time for this moment…"
Escape To Victory #1 (1981)
The Footballer: Sly Stallone, looking just a touch baffled as team goalkeeper, Hatch. Safe to say he's more comfortable in boxing gloves…
The Moment: Hatch saves the decisive German penalty, pulling off his best Rocky grimace as he does so. Well done Sly.
Commentary: "Not so fast Smartenheimer! That's one in the eye for you, Fritz! Achtung, surrender!"
The Cage (2002)
The Footballers: Thierry Henry, Hidetoshi Nakata, Francesco Totti, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo and Luis Figo. Quite the lineup for this awe-inspiring advert directed by Terry Gilliam. A bit of a cheat we know, but so brilliant it warrants inclusion.
The Moment: The final match, in which Thierry Henry pulls a fast one, using Totti as a launchpad from which to head home the winning goal.
Commentary: "You won't find that in any instruction manual!"
The Footballer: Eric Cantona, seen here rubbing shoulders with bona fide thesps Cate Blanchett and Geoffrey Rush. A far cry from Brian McClair…
The Moment: Cantona makes his bow as Monsieur de Foix, a French ambassador charged with the thankless task of arranging a marriage between Queen Elizabeth and the transvestite Duc d'Anjou.
Commentary: "There's no way he can pull this off, is there? He's gone for it though. Ohhhh, impudent!"
Trainspotting #1 (1996)
The Footballers: A "formidable" five-a-side unit made up of Tommy, Begbie, Renton, Sick Boy and Spud.
The Moment: The five-a-side sequence works as a perfect intro to Trainspotting 's motley crew, from Begbie's fearsome slide-tackle to poor old Spud's hapless goalkeeping.
Commentary: "The goalkeeper's been beaten far too easily. He'll feel he could have done better there."
Mean Machine #1 (2001)
The Footballer: Vinnie Jones, seen here playing former England international Danny Meehan in this knockabout prison comedy.
The Moment: A free-kick which Meehan insists upon driving into the groin of Geoff Bell's head screw. Having used his hands to protect himself, another free kick is given, which Meehan dispatches in exactly the same fashion.
Commentary: "Oh, I'm sure that wasn't intentional. He's not that kind of player, Jeff."
The Fifth Element (1997)
The Footballer: Redoubtable defensive stopper "One Size" Fitz Hall, recently released by QPR, with a surprising Hollywood history…
The Moment: Bizarrely enough, a young Hall can be spotted in Luc Besson's sci-fi extravaganza as a 12-year-old boy. There's nothing particularly memorable about the scene in question, save for the fact that it's Fitz bloody Hall!
Commentary: "The lad surely wasn't expecting to play here today, but he's acquitted himself well enough."
Football Like Never Before (1970)
The Footballer: George Best, captured here by filmmaker Hellmuth Costard as he follows him throughout the duration of a match between Manchester United and Coventry.
The Moment: Best appears to be strolling nonchanantly through the game until receiving the ball and suddenly coming to life, beating two men with ease before finding a teammate and reverting to an amble once more. He makes it look so easy.
Commentary: "Best went past those two as if they were training cones. How do you stop him?"
Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
The Footballer: Vinnie Jones, defying all expectations with an impressive turn as hired muscle, Big Chris. Combining humour and menace to considerable effect, he's genuinely good in this.
The Moment: Chris loses his rag with Frank Harper's gangster, dragging him from the back seat and smashing his head to a pulp with the car door. Ouch.
Commentary: "I know the referees are under a lot of pressure, but that has to a be a booking, surely?"
Les Enfants Du Marais (1999)
The Footballer: Cantona again, this time flexing his muscles as a menacing and borderline psychotic boxer.
The Moment: Eric reacts to a perceived slight in combustible fashion, trashing a bar, scrapping with police officers and landing himself in the cells. Not like him, is it?
Commentary: "I think that was a case of the old red mist descending there, Jeff."
The Footballer: Carly Schroeder plays Grace Bowen, a keen footballer who reacts to the death of her brother by persuading her parents and school to allow her to compete on the all-boys team.
The Moment: Gracie is left in a heap on the turf after a thorough kicking, only to pick herself up and prove her right to be on the pitch. Inspirational stuff.
Commentary: "She's not the type to stay down for no reason, so you know that must have hurt."
Bedknobs And Broomsticks (1971)
The Footballers: Two teams full of animal players. Our money's on the one with a rhino at centre-half...
The Moment: The ostrich decides to board the showboat, performing a series of kick-ups and head-stalls that inevitably draws a foul from the incensed rhino.
Commentary: "Outrageous skill, there. Great control for a big man."
The Arsenal Stadium Mystery (1939)
The Footballers: The Arsenal side who take on the fictional Trojans, only for one of the opposition to drop dead in the middle of the pitch…
The Moment: Manager George Allison's team talk illuminates how Arsenal used to be regarded before the era of Arsene Wenger, and his newfangled "passing" game. "They don't play your game," says Allison, plainly. "They play the attacking game."
Commentary: "It might not be pretty, but it's certainly effective. Hello, that chap appears to have died…"
Goal 2: Living The Dream #1 (2007)
The Footballer: David Beckham, England's rose, seen here in his Real Madrid days.
The Moment: In the last minute of the Champion's League final, Real Madrid win a free kick on the edge of the area. Beckham steps up, and it's Greece at Old Trafford all over again.
Commentary: "This looks like Beckham territory… it is!"
The Football Factory #1 (2004)
The Footballer: No footballers here you mug, just pwopah naughty geezers, lead by Frank Harper and Danny Dyer.
The Moment: Two junior members of the firm are turfed off the bus in a particularly gritty part of Merseyside. As they're chased by Stanley knife-wielding thugs, their mates watch on in hysterics before coming to help them out.
Commentary: "We really don't like to see this, but unfortunately it's still a problem in the game."
The Secret In Their Eyes (2009)
The Footballer: This one isn't about the players, but Ricardo Darin's legal counsellor and Javier Godino's runaway criminal.
The Moment: The movie's stand-out set piece takes place at the stadium of Argentine club Huracán, doubling here for Racing Club's home ground, with a sprawling chase scene taking place amongst the packed stands.
Commentary: "It looks a lost cause, but he's going to chase it down anyway. Great industry from the big man."
Escape To Victory #2 (1981)
The Footballer: England international Russell Osman, playing one of the Allied team alongside Moore, Caine, Stallone and co.
The Moment: With the opportunity for escape looming at half-time, Osman shows true grit by insisting they complete the game. "I don't want to go," he says. "Let's go back. We can win this!"
Commentary: "And there's Osman, leading by example. The manager would love to have eleven of him, wouldn't he?"
Goal! The Dream Begins #2 (2005)
The Footballer: Gavin Harris, Alessandro Nivola's fictional Newcastle United player, a teammate of Kuno Becker's young Mexican hopeful.
The Moment: Harris finishes off a flowing box-to-box move involving such Newcastle greats as Alan Shearer, Stephen Carr and, er, Kieron Dyer.
Commentary: "Wonderful goal, although it looks as though Dyer is signalling to the bench. Yes, I think he's picked up an injury there…"
Mean Machine #2 (2001)
The Footballer: Jason Statham, as unhinged goalkeeper The Monk. You don't want to step on his toes during a corner…
The Moment: A little switch flips in The Monk's head, causing him to lay waste to several of the guards with a flurry of punches, kicks and headbutts. Much like Roy Keane in his pomp…
Commentary: "They do say you have to be mad to be a goalkeeper…"
Shaolin Soccer (2001)
The Footballer: Stephen Chow plays Sing, an absolute goal machine with a rocket of a right foot.
The Moment: Sing dispatches goal after goal against his side's first-round opponents, the coup de grace coming when one of his blasts leaves the goalkeeper crumpled and the ball resting on the goalline. Sing simply strolls over and flicks it into the empty net, as coolly as you like.
Commentary: "He won't score an easier goal than that if he lives to be a hundred."
The Firm (1989)
The Footballers: A trio of top boys played by Gary Oldman, Phil Davis and Andrew Wilde.
The Moment: The three rival firms meet in a London hotel to decide who will lead the national firm away to Holland. Nasty names are exchanged in a scene that bristles with menace, thanks in no small part to Oldman's coiled-spring charisma.
Commentary: "They're squaring up to each other, but it looks like a case of handbags at dawn."
Rudo Y Cursi (2008)
The Footballers: Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna star as a pair of Mexican brothers who both end up making the big-time as professional footballers, but fall out spectacularly in the process.
The Moment: Bernal's newfound fame allows him to pursue an ill-advised singing career, culminating in a terrible cowboy-themed music video for his take on I Want You To Want Me .
Commentary: "Dear oh dear, surely the manager's got to withdraw him here. He's having a stinker."
Gregory's Girl (1981)
The Footballer: Dee Hepburn, setting pulses racing as the only female member of the school football team.
The Moment: With Gregory having just shipped a goal on account of a distracting discussion on the relative merits of women in football, Dorothy promptly takes the ball down the other end and pulls one back. The definition of a one-woman team.
Commentary: "Well, there were question marks over her inclusion, but you'd have to say the manager has got it spot on here…"
Goal 2: Living The Dream #2 (2007)
The Footballer: Rudi van der Merwe (any relation to Wikus?), manager of Real Madrid, played (somewhat unbelievably) by Rutger Hauer!
The Moment: Rudi gives his Raul, Beckham and co. a team-talk straight out of Hollywood motivational speaking 101. "I want you to play as if you have nothing to lose. Forget the money, forget the press, forget the cameras, forget everything. Enjoy." Cheers boss!
Commentary: "He never gets too animated, does he? But inside, he'll be feeling the pressure…"
Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)
The Footballer: Ricky Tomlinson is the titular gaffer, coming off like a deranged cross between Peter Reid and Sam Allardyce.
The Moment: With England trailing 2-0 to Mexico at half time, Bassett delivers a vitriolic team-talk that turns the changing room air blue. England go on to slump to a 4-0 defeat.
Commentary: "You know what you're getting with Mike. He wears his heart on his sleeve."
The Damned United #2 (2009)
The Footballer: Michael Sheen as Brian Clough, manager of Leeds for an ill-feted 44-days…
The Moment: Clough asserts his authority on his new squad by telling them to throw all their medals in the bin ("you've never won any of them fairly") before performing a beautifully hit swivel volley into a training ground net. Ex-footballer Sheen only needed the one take…
Commentary: "Ooh, they're not going to like that, Jeff. Not one little bit…"
When Saturday Comes (1996)
The Footballer: A 36-year-old Sean Bean, playing up and coming footballer / boozer / working class hero, Jimmy Muir.
The Moment: Muir steps up to take the crucial penalty against a Manchester United side seemingly comprised exclusively of portly pub players. He sticks it away, in case you were wondering.
Commentary: "Lovely composure there, and he's necking a pint of bitter to celebrate. Marvellous!"
Bend It Like Beckham (2002)
The Footballer: Parminder Nagra plays Jess, a talented Sikh footballer with a bit of a liking for old Goldenballs.
The Moment: Predictable it might be, but the moment in the final game where Jess curls a free kick into the top corner is still goosebump-worthy stuff. Get in there.
Commentary: "I think she's going to have a go here… she is, you know!"
There's Only One Jimmy Grimble (2000)
The Footballer: Little Jimmy Grimble, weedy bully-bait turned worldbeating football prodigy. Also the proud owner of the most northern name in big-screen history.
The Moment: "Jimmy, how would you like to join us at Man United?" enquires a grinning scout. "That's very nice of you, but Mr. Widows has told me i've got a better offer," replies Jimmy. "What could be better than Man United, son?" growls the scout. "Man City," comes the reply. Prophetic…
Commentary: "He says he's not there for the money. He just wants to win things…"
Trainspotting #2 (1996)
The Footballer: Archie Gemmill, Scotland international famed for his goal against Holland in the 1978 World Cup.
The Moment: As Renton gets his leg over with Diane, he replays Gemmill's goal in his head, causing us all to question exactly which sensation is the more satisfying…
Commentary: "Wonderful technique in the box, there…"
In The Hands Of The Gods (2007)
The Footballers: A quintet of British football freestylers, and their idol, Diego Maradona.
The Moment: Having travelled hundreds of miles in the hopes of meeting their hero, a couple of the boys finally get an audience with El Diego in a genuinely heartwarming climax to the film.
Commentary: "Just look at their faces. That's what it means to each and every one of them."
The Football Factory #2 (2004)
The Footballers: Competitive dads Tamer Hassan and Frank Harper, top boys from Millwall and Chelsea respectively. You slag.
The Moment: Rival thugs Harper and Hassan begin by trading verbals across the touchline of their kids' football game, before coming together in an unsightly brawl on the pitch. Tut-tut.
Commentary: "Oh now, there's really no place for that. The referee's got to get a handle on this!"
Once In A Lifetime (2006)
The Footballers: Pelé, Johan Cruyff, Giorgio Chinaglio and the rest of the stars of the New York Cosmos team of the '70s.
The Moment: This superlative documentary kicks off in spectacular style with an opening credits montage of the team's many stars, soundtracked by a welcome dose of jangling rock and roll. Football has rarely seemed sexier.
Commentary: "When you look at that lineup on paper, you'd fancy them to beat anyone."
Looking for Eric (2009)
The Footballer: Eric Cantona, Manchester United legend turned occasional actor, seen here playing himself with typically gallic flair.
The Moment: "It's funny, innit," begins Steve Evets. "Sometimes we forget that you're just a man. "I am not a man," replies Eric. "I am Cantona."
Commentary: "He is no man. The little fella should know better, there."
Goal! World Cup 1966 (1967)
The Footballer: Sir Geoff Hurst, here providing the perfect finish to Brain Glanville's cracking account of the 1966 World Cup.
The Moment: You know the one we're talking about. Can Andy Carroll conjure up a similar moment on 1 July? You'll excuse us if we don't hold our breath.
Commentary: "Some people are on the pitch. They think it's all over… it is now!"
Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait (2006)
The Footballer: French genius Zinedine Zidane, an extraordinarily gifted playmaker with a very occasional tendency to lose his cool, as captured here by documentary makers Douglas Gordon and Philippe Parreno.
The Moment: Having displayed an intense, almost other-worldly level of concentration and self-discipline throughout the game, Zidane inexplicably gets involved in a penalty-box flare-up, earning himself a totally avoidable red card.
Commentary: "Well, if you took that passion away from him, he'd be half the player."
The Damned United #3 (2009)
The Footballer: Michael Sheen as Cloughie once more, this time channelling the great man's remarkable hatred for Don Revie and his all-conquering Leeds side.
The Moment: "I won't eat, and won't sleep until I've taken whatever that man's achieved, and beaten it. Beaten it so I never have to hear the name Don fucking Revie again. Beaten it so the only name anyone sings in the Yorkshire ale houses, raising their stinking jars to their stinking mouths, is Brian Clough. Brian Clough uber-fucking-alles! Understand?"
Commentary: "Oh and he's giving the opposition a piece of his mind. Never short of a few words, that lad."
The Footballer: Brian Glover plays over-exuberant PE teacher Mr. Sugden, who in turn is playing Bobby Charlton. In his head, at least…
The Moment: The fearsome Sugden, replete in full kit, joins in his pupils' game, berating his teammates, awarding himself penalties and generally acting the prat. "Who d'you think you are, Bremner?" he shrieks at one smirking boy with the temerity to put a challenge in on him.
Commentary: "Marvellous stuff. Experience over youth, every time."
Escape To Victory #3 (1981)
The Footballer: Pelé, arguably the greatest player the world has ever seen. Unless of course you're Argentinian, in which case he's overrated.
The Moment: A gorgeous overhead kick to level the scores at 4-4, setting the stage nicely for a penalty shootout. According to Scotland's John Wark, he did it on the first take as well!
Commentary: "Oh and it's penalties against the Germans. We know how this one ends…"
Fever Pitch #2 (1997)
The Footballer: Michael Thomas, turning out for Arsenal at Anfield in 1989, on the final day of the First Division season.
The Moment: As Colin Firth and Mark Strong watch on in disbelief, Thomas runs on to an Alan Smith flick-on, lifting the ball beyond a despairing Bruce Grobelaar to win Arsenal the title in the final minute of the season. Stirring stuff.
Commentary: "And it's Thomas, charging through the midfield. Tomas… it's up for grabs now! THOMAS!!! Right at the end!"