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C-3PO
The Character: Ol’ Goldenrod himself, fluent in over six million forms of communication but majoring in pedantry, annoyingness and bullshit.
Why So Stupid? By Threepio’s standard, a protocol droid clearly means a walking, talking blogger anally sucking the fun out of everything. Added stupid points for his gormless reaction to seeing a Stormtrooper in The Empire Strikes Back .
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: It’d be a documentary about tribal customs in the Star Wars universe. And we mean documentary. Lucas thinks this shit is for real.
Fodesinbeed Annodue
The Character: The two-headed Troig who commentate on the pod race in The Phantom Menace .
Why So Stupid? In 1977, Star Wars felt fresh and compelling. In 1999, Lucas was ripping off sports coverage. Artistic failure in a nutshell.
If George Decided To Make It/Them/Whatever A Movie: It'd be all set-pieces, so at least we'd be spared all the plot and dialogue of the prequels.
Grand Moff Dunhausen
The Character: A high-ranking officer in the Imperial Alliance, who achieved Grandness despite - or because of - his blaster-shaped earrings.
Why So Stupid? Villains, choose your gimmick wisely. Vader's mask: cool. Earrings: less so.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Three prequels explaining why he's wearing them.
Nien Nunb
The Character: Lando Calrissian's Millennium Falcon co-pilot in Return of the Jedi , who in the spin-offs became administrator of the Kessel Spice Mines.
Why So Stupid? Actually, Nunb's no fool. But possibly George Lucas is. According to urban legend, Nunb's voice actor, Kenyan Kipsang Rotich, used actual dialect as Nunb's language. One line apparently translates as, "One thousand herds of elephants are standing on my foot," which has made Return of the Jedi cult viewing in Kenya.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: There'd be a huge comedy spin-off catering exclusively to Kenyan audiences.
Plif
The Character: Leader of the Hoojibs, a race of sentient, telepathic rabbits who became a loyal warrior along Luke Skywalker following the defeat of the Empire. Seen in the Star Wars comics.
Why So Stupid? The words "telepathic" and "rabbits" should never be seen together, especially in a franchise that's already delivered warrior teddy bears.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: It would presumably be named, A New Hop .
Greedo
The Character: The Rodian bounty hunter who shot first/last in his table-top duel with Han Solo. Either way, he died.
Why So Stupid? Aside from the inherent dumbness of monologuing long enough for Han to train a gun on him (just slip something in his drink!), his younger self sullies The Phantom Menace having an undignified scrap with Ani.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: There's plenty of material to base it on. Seriously, Greedo's whole life has been shoehorned into novels and comics. So much incident, in fact, that it makes you wonder why he wasn't a better bounty hunter.
Boss Nass
The Character: Real name Rugor Nass. Anti-human head of the Gungan High Council in The Phantom Menace . Played by Brian Blessed.
Why So Stupid? OK, so most politicians are boorish fools. But Lucas ' conception split the dichotomy into pure schizophrenia: this xenophobic separatist splutters and shrieks like a mad uncle entertaining at a family wedding.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Paramedics would be on stand-by at screenings after two hours of Blessed shouting.
Oola
The Character: A Twi’lek dancer and slave girl of Jabba’s, who decided she’d rather not be chained to the lecherous slug.
Why So Stupid? Bad move trying to remonstrate with Jabba when she's standing over the trap door under the dancefloor. You’d think she’d have remembered that Jabba had a giant Rancor stashed down there.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: By day, Oola operates machinery for the Jawa. By night, she dreams of becoming the best dancer in Tatooine.
Ziro
The Character: A Hutt crime lord, and Jabba's uncle. (From The Clone Wars film.)
Why So Stupid? If it wasn't bad enough that his every plot against the good guys sees him banged up in jail, like something out of Hanna Barbera, Lucas decided to make him a mincing queen complete with tattoos, feathered hats the voice of Truman Capote.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Gay rights would be set back thirty years.
Mace Windu
The Character: Samuel L. Jackson’s too-cool-for-school Jedi Master in the prequels.
Why So Stupid? Controversial choice, but for bad-ass Jackson to be hoodwinked by Palpatine (who couldn’t have be more obviously evil if he stopped mid-scene to kick a passing Ewok) shows serious lapse in the cleverness stakes.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: He'd be sick of those motherf***king Sith in the motherf***king galaxy.
