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'The killbot factory'
Gee, it sure has been a while since any mental attention seekers tried to blame games for all the world's ills. In a weird way, I sort of miss them. Sure, Jack Thompson's brand of alarmist gobbledygook might've irked us, but his only real crime was to spout a madly exaggerated take on the views held by many non-gamers i.e. that to interact with a digital simulation of something is almost akin to performing the real-world act yourself. Never mind how radically, experientially different playing GTA is from driving a car or firing an actual gun. Never mind the fact that actors routinely pretend to kill people in much more convincing fashion. Video games are different.
Surgeon Simulator 2013 would turn us all into top surgeons
Why it might work: Well for a start, top surgeons require many of the same attributes as the very best gamers - fast reactions, precise movement and nerves of unbendable steel. Surgeon Simulator 2013 even goes so far as to try and replicate the same limb-shaking anxiety suffered by many young doctors, except here of course it's less about nerves and more a case of your avatar's hands flapping around like a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man.
L.A Noire would teach us how to be expert detectives
Why it might work: To be fair to L.A. Noire, it does just about nail the basics. Show up, scout the area, check the body for clues, maybe question a witness or two - then bugger off home for a nice big think and a second world war flashback. It's the interactive equivalent of a 'detective's guide for dummies', and do you know what? Those big yellow books sell like speed for a reason. They're an excellent little primer for all manner of professions. Sure, you wouldn't want to base your thesis on one, but like L.A. Noire they certainly have their uses.
Ace combat would teach us how to be fighter pilots
Why it might work: Well there's certainly a lot of buttons to remember in both. Hell, if you can handle the 17-plus inputs on a game pad then why not the 8 trillion switches lining the cockpit of a multi-million dollar aircraft? That makes sense, right? Right? And what about joysticks? Surely they can replicate the precision control required to pilot one of these hulking monstrosities. Hey, real pilots use computer simulators all the time!
Total War would turn us all into five-star generals
Why it might work: Real life generals may not enjoy the full 360 degree field of vision that their TW counterparts do, but the required skills of reading, planning and reacting are the same for both camps. Yes, in the virtual version there's a slightly unrealistic 1:1 relationhip between orders being issued and having them carried out, but beyond that, it's still all about your tactics, troop use and timing. Total War aficionados would make for great leaders.
Tycoon titles would transform us into business moguls
Why it might work: If banks and/or building societies had any sense they'd be bundling a copy of RollerCoaster Tycoon with every new account. After all, nothing teaches people the merits of level-headed frugality like a title in which balancing the books represents the main conduit to fun. Fancy constructing a new ride? Well tough luck chump, you shouldn't have built the carousel that decapitated all those kids. Maybe next time you'll be a bit more switched on with your money. Ta da - lesson learnt.
Guitar Hero would make us all rock gods
Why it might work: Getting your left and right hands to work in perfect synchronicity may seem like a breeze. After all, you've been doing it all your life. But introduce a new instrument or tool into the mix and suddenly all bets are off. One starts to strum away while the other plays the part of the deadbeat rockstar, far too stoned to catch his cue and missing all his timings. It's a little like playing with another person's hands. Everything suddenly feels slow and unresponsive. Fortunately the likes of Guitar Hero and Rock Band can do a great deal to alleviate this issue, giving aspiring rockers a helpful hand-up on other learners. Tapping a big green button and flicking a switch at the appropriate moments may not feel like progress, but where beginners are concerned it most certainly is.
International Track & Field would turn us into gifted pro athletes
Why it might work: This entry works well with any sporting title, not just the thumb-nubbing, arthritis-inducing hellfest that is International Track & Field. As with real life sports, games based around an athletic contest often demand great timing, hand-eye coordination and a good deal of endurance to boot. You may be viewing the action from an all-encompassing angle, but that doesnt mean you're becoming any less ace at spotting the perfect pass.
Braid would transform us into time-spanning stalkers
Why it might work: Here's one that we're glad those anti-game groups never cottoned on to. Braid's tale of time-twisting tomfoolery may look like just another lady-shaped fetch quest, but it's actually a whole lot more disturbing than that. Late in the game, players become distinctly aware that their preppy-faced protagonist isn't all that he appears. 'Tim' is actually the game's de facto baddie, having convinced himself that he alone can safeguard the princess, while actually performing the role of her tormentor. By playing the game we effectively buy into Tim's delusion, even helping to forward that mad agenda. Somewhere, an anti-game lobbyist just had an orgasm "Cutesy kid's game is disgusting stalker sim - Ban this filth."
