Kevin Smith
Kevin Smith was thrown off a Southwest Airlines flight for being too fat on Saturday night. He was deemed a safety risk. Which, obviously, is preposterous.
Because what those flighty fucks don’t realise is that overweight people are, by and large, awesome. We learnt that from films. Don’t these airline idiots watch their own in-flight movies?
What follows is a list of movie folk who, like Smith and totalfilm.com, aren’t circus massive, they’re just unthin.
And far from being safety risks, they’d probably save your worthless airline-working lives, if only you’d let them...
Uncle Buck - Uncle Buck (1989)
Why So Fat? Buck is a big fan of massive pancakes, washed down with a nice cool six pack of beer.
He’s proof that you can have a massive gut and still be awesome. All snooty airline douches should be forced to watch Uncle Buck, immediately.
Where He’d Be Flying: Either to conduct some ace Chicago-based babysitting for his brother, or to go on some kind of bowling world tour.
Either way, he’ll have to cut down on the maple syrup if he wants to fly first class.
Safety Risk? Not a chance. And if any of the stewardesses are having troubles with their boyfriends, Buck can pull out his drill and sort it.
Chunk - The Goonies (1985)
Why So Fat? Because Chunk loves ice cream, Baby Ruths and his best friends pick on him because he’s overweight, so we imagine there’s a hell of a lot of comfort eating going on.
Where He’d Be Flying: To Hawaii, we imagine. Judging by his shirt.
Safety Risk? Only to One-Eyed Willie. And, if anything, watching the Truffle Shuffle would be an entertaining way to spend your final moments.
Chubby Teen Wolf (1985)
Why So Fat? The kid’s a semi-professional athlete, despite the fact all he appears to exercise in his spare time is his eyebrow and his pizza lifting arm.
Still, he’s got a mean jump-shot and a werewolf for a mate, so we’d like to see you chuck him off a jumbo.
Where He’d Be Flying: To take part in Teen Wolf Too. He was the only recurring actor in that stupid sequel.
Safety Risk? Nope. He could help hand out flotation devices using his accurate hook-shot.
Bob Fight Club (1999)
Why So Fat? When Bob’s cancer treatment went wrong, he developed bitch tits. Much like when we eat too many burgers.
Where He’d Be Flying: To a major American city to carry out another Project Mayhem prank.
Safety Risk? Okay, we’ll give you this one. But we’d like to see you try and chuck him off the plane. His name was Robert Paulson.
Russell Up (2009)
Why So Fat? We’re not sure, but he’s got a pretty unhealthy relationship with his absent dad, so we’re going to go with parental neglect.
Why He’d Be Flying: Because he’s out of helium.
Safety Risk? Definitely not. He could use his previous experience to lift the falling plane with loads of balloons and that. The little genius.
Oswald Cobblepot - Batman Returns (1992)
Why So Fat? The Penguin is fat so that he more closely resembles a penguin. They’re very bottom-heavy, you see.
Why He’d Be Flying: Because Batman confiscated all of his helicopter umbrellas, and he needs to go and visit some relatives in Illinois.
Safety Risk? As long as there’s plenty of fish on the in-flight menu, we reckon he’ll be okay.
Silent Bob - Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)
Why So Fat? He’s not even that fat, you evil airport Nazis.
We hope that, one day, you ask someone to open their luggage to inspect what’s inside, and it’s the Ark Of The Covenant what’s inside. And it makes your faces melt off. All the way off. Like in Face/Off.
Why He’d Be Flying: To transport some killer chronic.
Safety Risk? If he’s flying alone, definitely not. If he’s got Jay with him, then possibly. But then Jay’s skinny, so he’d be allowed to fly without his personal dignity being even slightly impinged.
