The Spy Who Loved Me
The Bond which as we all remember features Peter Lorre battling a huge villainous goldfish.
The trimmed horseshoe moustache is there, but how the heck are you planning to sell a Hulk Hogan movie without showing the mullet?
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Promising rather more chainsaw carnage than the film actually delivers...
A universe populated entirely by cartoon David Camerons . Absolutely terrifying.
Maybe if the original Halle Berry flop had featured a massive catdragon with a tongue like a waterslide then everything would have been OK.
Children Of The Corn III: Urban Harvest
Wisely ignoring the whole 'urban harvest' thing in favour of loads of corn, a hungry head and some subtle graveyard imagery.
No, not that one - although that also stars Warwick Davis - but the 1993 horror flop starring Jennifer Aniston, bumped from the poster here in favour of marrow and eyeballs.
Big Trouble In Little China
Is it just us or have Kurt Russell and Kim Cattrall swapped faces?
Starship Troopers 2
The promise of a nude scene that we never, ever want to see.
Hmm - the moon, man split in half, naked alien robo-lady mind-raping a bald dude. Yeah, that's pretty much Species 3.
Utterly brutal - if off-message - 1980s slasher video-style reimagining of the torture porn hit.
In which a huge snake thrusts its tail between a woman's legs.
And Anaconda 3 - by which time the snake has learned how to fire LASERS.
There's no messing about with Arnie - stiff action figure pose, two giant guns, job done.
A very accurate copy of the original poster with one crucial, hilarious and totally classy difference. Can you spot it?
Infantile crayon skills aside, there's something to this hybrid-faced mandog image.
The Mummy Returns
We've seen better drawings of The Rock - and he seems to be melting a little on the right - but thumbs up for pincer death and mess.
Because why would you use the image of your iconic titular hero when you could use an armoured fishman and a pair of tentacles?
We all remember the climactic fight where Neo takes on a bald ginger lad who looks like a German nightclubber, right?
Interview With The Vampire
Better known by its far more sensible title The Fierce Ghost Eats Human Region. Of course it does!
A Nightmare On Elm Street
"Shhh!" says giant Freddy, who's green now.
In which Jason Statham is so powerful and masculine that his crotch erupts in sexflames.
Bleeding writing, giant throwing star - who cares about 'details' like Hugh Jackman only having one eye when the crucial stuff's been taken care of?
Ooh, you've almost got Rose McGowan down. Except the hair colour. And the fact this looks like a fitness video for amputee gun fetishists.
Yes, his legs are on fire, but that's a good Russell Crowe. Extra marks for the tiger snacking on manguts in the background too.
Yeah! Hispanic Tom Cruise swimming through an orange cloud to wave a giant pistol in your face!
At least, we assume it's Cobra given the mullet and Stallone's casual discharge of an automatic weapon next to his face, but basically every one of his movies from the 1980s could be renamed Hard Men without it making any real difference.
We were going to make fun of how tiny the people in the water are, but the central image of man-with-gun, while being terrible on a very basic level, captures the soul of Treat Williams in a profound way.
The Evil Dead
With a furious Al Pacino standing in for Bruce Campbell.
Evil Dead II
This time with Edward James Olmos apparently standing in for big Bruce.
Jean-Claude Van Damme kicks ass while looking suspiciously like a snooty Parisian waiter who's been called 'garcon' by tourists FOR THE LAST TIME.
OK, so that's Keifer Sutherland with a mouth like an unironed shirt, but that's more Michael Madsen with a weave than Michael Douglas, no matter with the star billing says.
Poltergeist II: The Other Side
Yeah! The chainsaw was at least as big as the car, and the little girl definitely had brown hair and there were insect monsters everywhere .
In which the canine villain of Stephen King's horror story is transformed from a snarling St Bernard into a lazy-eyed Springer spaniel with a massive body.
Bram Stoker's Dracula
Who could forget the three-headed fire-breathing wolf in Francis Ford Coppola's vampire flick, which was also the size of the moon.
Clearly Johnny Depp's not selling any tickets in Ghana, so instead we get a big focus on the headless horseman. Who seems to have a spare head. And is a woman.
How to improve a mega-bland poster : sprinkle with drawings of bloodied, dismembered corpses until all available space is filled, print.
The 1983 version of Hercules which, if you've not seen it, features Lou Ferrigno making love to a tree and a fat kid wrestling with a pair of miniature diplodocuses.
Enter The Dragon
A decent likeness of Bruce, here seemingly singing the intro to 'Kung Fu Fighting'.
Very similar to the original, except now Statham looks more like a constipated cliff (fair enough) and that 'A' is massive.
"Oh, wow, Mrs Garner you're looking... wonderful."
Michael Jackson's remake of Robert Rodriguez's action indie was apparently only ever released in Africa.
Maybe the film would've been better if it had just been Steven Seagal wading into a paddling pool and shooting a toy boat.
The big sand-face mummy man is familiar - Imhotep's Platoon tribute is all new.
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Half Salvador Dali, half terrifying luurve Terminator.
Ewoks: The Battle For Endor
Actually a pretty straight rip of the real art for this Star Wars spin-off, but with added madness and terror, and a horrible frog monster.
Eight Legged Freaks
Yes! This has everything the real posters didn't: the name is simplified to the powerful 'Spiders', there are spare limbs scattered all over, and David Arquette's head seems precariously balanced on his shoulders.
Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior
The artist's uncanny likeness of Mel Gibson is only matched by his thoroughly scientific grasp of proportion.
Mortal Kombat 3
"Quick!" they say, distracting us from the fact there's no such film as Mortal Kombat 3, "Look up there!"
James Gunn's sex-flesh horror movie as represented by a tentacled monster, a girl with a penis on her head and, of course, a really happy labrador.