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Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate The Pirates! in an Adventure With Scientists (2012)
The Character: A not-very-subtly disguised stowaway, SCP (voiced by Ashley Jensen) is a lover and a fighter. Despite the surprisingly child-bearing hips and an affection for the Captain that borders on cuddliness, she's as good a pirate as the rest - cutlas, plank-walk, beard and all.
The Beard: Pretty flimsy, if we're being honest. Top marks for beardy subterfuge though.
Strokability: In reality, not so much - what with it being crafted from Aardman clay and all.
Noah Calhoun The Notebook (2004)
The Character: A charming country boy (played, of course, by Ryan Gosling) who has a whirlwind romance with Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams). But can it last the end of the summer?
The Beard: A RIDICULOUSLY hot beard that only serves to make Ryan Gosling EVEN MORE RIDICULOUSLY HOT than he already is.
Strokability: YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?
Vitruvius The LEGO Movie (2013)
The Character: A blind wizard and one of the Master Builders (read: Crazy Cool Guys) of Bricksburg. Has the voice of Morgan Freeman.
The Beard: A moulded bit of white plastic that’s been made to look like a beard.
Strokability: It’s made of plastic, so…
Ben Richards The Running Man (1987)
The Character: A police pilot who’s accused of committing a massacre, Ben (Arnold Schwarzenegger) becomes a contestant in a futuristic game show in which contestants fight for their lives.
The Beard: A relatively tame brunette smattering of hair – and one of the few times Arnie’s actually donned the facial fluff.
Strokability: We’re not sure an action man like Richards would welcome a beard stroke…
President Prime Minister Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen The Dictator (2012)
The Character: Leader of the Republic of Wadiya. He’s so immature that he makes Ali G look positively ancient.
The Beard: Black, woolly and perfectly symmetrical with the PM’s impressive 'do.
Strokability: Stroking probably isn’t an option, but this beard definitely looks super-absorbent.
Zod Superman II (1982)
The Character: Kryptonian leader with an ego the size of a planet. Enjoys wearing plunging necklines and scowling at people. A lot.
The Beard: A no-nonsense, shortly-cropped black beard that positively screams “INTERGALACTIC VILLAIN!”
Strokability: More likely to be stroked by Zod as he schemes away – try it yourself and end up in the Phantom Zone.
Stoick The Vast - How To Train Your Dragon (2010)
The Character: Viking leader who values nothing above the ability to kill/stab/destroy dragons. Sadly, his son Hiccup doesn’t seem to have much fight in him.
The Beard: Just as vast as his name suggests, this beard is bright red, massive and is even plaited off at the ends. Attention to detail is everything.
Strokability: Uh, Stoick’s a Viking, so we’d say NOT stroking his beard is pretty good for your health.
Ron Burgundy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
The Character: Legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) turns to facial hair at his lowest ebb - when he accidentally tells San Diego to go f*ck itself, he swiftly becomes unemployed, friendless and very beardy.
The Beard: As Hobo-y as they come, all unkempt and probably smelly. Throw in a milk guzzling that drips all over the place, and it's not a good place to me.
Strokability: That thing will smell of lactose for weeks. "Milk was a bad choice," indeed.
Leonidas 300 (2006)
The Character: Badass, six-packed king of the Spartans. Likes yelling things like “THIS IS SPARTA!”
The Beard: A Grecian masterpiece befitting of a king.
Strokability: We’d only agree to stroke it if he agreed to put away those sharp pointy things.
Moses The Ten Commandments (1956)
The Character: Moses (Charlton Heston). Parted the Red Sea. Climbed Mount Sinai. Received the Ten Commandments from on high. You know the chap.
The Beard: Damn near godly in its unerring fullness – this is the kind of beard you hope Santa Claus has. Or God, for that matter.
Strokability: So strokable we'd probably have a religious experience at a single touch.
