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Titanic (1997)
Freaks (1932)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: “Can a full grown woman ever truly love a midget?” So asks the tagline of Tod Browning’s notorious bad taste horror film. Can you imagine seeing that on a contemporary movie poster? There’s not a studio exec in Hollywood that would go within a hundred yards of this one!
If They Have To Do It: The only way to stoke up more controversy than the first film managed would be by casting able-bodied actors as the “freaks” of the first film. We can see the tabloid headlines now…
Withnail & I (1987)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Bruce Robinson’s brilliantly shambolic comedy is so firmly entrenched in the late ‘60s, it’d be harder to shift than the grime in Withnail’s sink. Nowadays, our hero could just tweet his agent rather than grappling with a payphone in the back of beyond. And where’s the fun in that?
If They Have To Do It: At least relocate the setting to America so we can point the finger at our transatlantic cousins for making a royal hash of it.
Watchmen (2009)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: The “unfilmable” comic book finally made its way onto the big screen in 2009 after spending years and years in development hell. With so many directors having tried and failed, it already seems a minor miracle that Zack Snyder managed to produce such a serviceable adaptation of Alan Moore’s sweeping magnum opus. Why in God’s name would anyone try and start all over again?
If They Have To Do It: We’d love to see HBO commission a TV series out of this. Given a much larger running time to play with, it could be the epic treatment the source material truly deserves.
Gerry (2002)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: As a film with one of the most commercially-unfriendly premises you could imagine, we’re guessing there aren’t many studios clamouring to revisit this one. As occasionally striking as the scenery is in Gus Van Sant’s desert-set walkabout, not a lot happens over quite a lot of time! Even if you were patient enough to see it through the first time around, surely there wouldn’t be many punters up for a second go!
If They Have To Do It: They should cast even bigger names than Casey Affleck and Matt Damon, only to strip the dialogue away still further. Take that, casual viewer!
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: This could only have been released in the ‘80s! Based on the spectacularly grotesque (and thoroughly awesome) sticker collection, Garbage Pail Kids tells the story of a group of hideous mutant children, all of whom are played by dwarf actors in terrifying prosthetic costumes. Try getting that one greenlit.
If They Have To Do It: This should be made as a dark and twisted animation, with a similarly macabre aesthetic as the original stickers. We’d also like to see an appearance by our personal favourite, Peepin’ Tom, a boy whose body is covered top to toe in eyes. Nice.
Point Break (1991)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: If we’re talking “remake” in the strictest possible definition, this one will surely never happen. We draw that distinction because The Fast And The Furious is basically Point Break with cars, but in terms of a straight-up remake, this blend of surfing and homoeroticism surely couldn’t exist in the post-‘90s arena! And then there’s the irreplaceable Patrick Swayze to consider…
If They Have To Do It: Keanu Reeves plays both roles, with only a blonde wig to differentiate between his twin portrayals of awesomeness. Gnarly.
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: One of the most disconcerting elements of this videogame-inspired clunker was the eerily dead-eyed CGI, which made even the heroes appear frightening. With today’s technological advances, that could probably be remedied quite easily! It’s the tedious plot and non-existent characterisation that means it never will be…
If They Have To Do It: Bung it in as a DVD extra with the next Final Fantasy videogame and spare us the bother of having to write about it!
Labyrinth (1986)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: First of all, Bowie wouldn’t touch it, which kind of renders the whole endeavour redundant. Perhaps more importantly however, is the cult appeal of the original. In order to tap into the appeal of the first film, you’d need to win over its legions of devotees, and the way to do that is definitely not with a remake! You’d be far better served making a generic fantasy film and leaving the Labyrinth name out of it. Make it weird enough and you might just have a cult classic of your own!
If They Have To Do It: Guillermo del Toro might appease some of the fans, his nightmarish visuals lending themselves nicely to the aesthetic of the original.
Star Wars (1977)
Why It’ll Never Be Remade: Because surely even George Lucas must realise that he’s tampered with the galaxy far, far away at least three times too many already! Nobody wanted the director’s cuts and nobody really wanted the prequels after seeing the first one… The last thing we need is a reboot of the first film.
If They Have To Do It: Who are we kidding? George is probably hard at work on this already, finding a way to cram Jar-Jar into every scene before making room for some giant ants and Shia LaBeouf.
