Blade Runner Begins
The Plot: A prequel to the original, documenting Deckard’s origin story through his early exploits as a Blade Runner, allowing us an opportunity (albeit a wholly pointless one) to see him demonstrating the skills that made him the man for the job in the first film. So basically, it’s Deckard hunting down replicants again…
Starring: Harrison Ford is back in the saddle again, although he’d have to be digitally de-aged to match his appearance in the first film. Replicants don’t age, remember? Assuming of course that Deckard is one in the first place…gah, this is too confusing!
Directed By: Ridley Scott, provided he’s not too busy meddling with the Alien films…
Blade Runner 3D
The Plot: Essentially a re-tread of the original, with a swathe of new action sequences written in to allow for plenty of things flying out of the screen. That’s what people want from films these days: things flying into their faces. A good script is all well and good, but can you charge an extra three quid for it? No, you can’t.
Starring: Sam Worthington replaces Harrison Ford, with Mads Mikkelsen coming in for Rutger Hauer. Bruising enough for you?
Directed By: Who else but big Jim Cameron? He’s not interested you say? Alright then, get Louis Leterrier on the phone…
Blade Runner 2: Electric Boogaloo
The Plot: A new strain of replicants have infiltrated Earth, with an enhanced emotion chip that allows them to mimic the more human qualities that had once eluded them. However, a glitch in their new software means that exposure to loud music leads to uncontrollable break-dancing. Deckard must fire up his boom-box and strap on his dancing shoes as he attempts to track down the toe-tapping interlopers.
Starring: Zac Efron dusts off his High School Musical moves to star as Deckard, with Diversity appearing as the dancing replicants.
Directed By: John Chu. What do you mean you’ve never heard of him? Step Up 2: The Streets ? Justin Bieber: Never Say Never ? Get your fingers on the pulse…
Blade Runner: Revenge Of The Crystal Skull
The Plot: The Tyrell Corporation has developed plans to create a new batch of super-replicants, powered by a set of ancient crystal skulls. When Deckard gets wind of their plans, he must infiltrate the company and de-rail the planned production, before a bunch of irate (and somewhat unconvincing) aliens pitch up to earth and start setting fire to everyone’s brains.
Starring: There’s no way Harrison Ford would agree to something so farcical…wait, what are we saying? This is right up his alley!
Directed By: George Lucas has ruined most of his own masterpieces, so why not give him the chance to mangle somebody else’s?
Blade Runner: Rise Of The Replicants
The Plot: Years after the events of the first film, another batch of replicants have gone rogue. However, instead of simply blending in, this lot are out to wreak havoc on earth in the most spectacular way possible. Cue technicolour bouts of robot terrorism as the replicants set about attempting to blow up the society that enslaved them.
Starring: Shia Labeouf as the rookie cop charged with filling Harrison Ford’s boots and stopping those pesky replicants in their tracks.
Directed By: This sounds like a Michael Bay project to us…and not just because we’ve ripped the title off of one of his films!
Blade Runner: Son Of Deckard
The Plot: Confused sequel in which Rick Deckard’s “son” signs up to become a Blade Runner after replicants kill his father. However, are his memories of his old man really his own, or simply memory implants? Like Deckard Senior before him, Junior must seek out the truth behind his conception of reality, and work out whose side he should really be on…
Starring: Channing Tatum seems to be permanently wrestling with an of vague bafflement, a look that could work well for the character of Deckard Jr.
Directed By: Morgan J. Freeman. No, not that one, we mean the director of similarly half-baked sequel American Psycho 2: All American Girl .
Blade Runner: Deckard vs. Deckard
The Plot: Happily retired and living a quiet country life with replicant beau Rachel, Rick Deckard’s life is thrown into chaos once more when a perfect replica of himself turns up and attempts to kill him. Are both men replicants? Can Deckard face up to the truth about his true nature in time to protect himself? And will the whole thing collapse under the weight of its own stupidity?
Starring: Nic Cage stakes centre stage, playing Deckard as a manic depressive and his clone as a perma-cackling nutjob.
Directed By: Cage thrives when the director in charge is profoundly incapable of reining him in. Step forward The Wicker Man ’s Neil LaBute…
Blade Runner: Band Camp
The Plot: Fart jokes ahoy as hapless replicant Eddy is accidentally selected to lead the invasion force to Earth, and ends up infiltrating a teen summer camp rather than the Whitehouse. Through a series of boozey nights, naked mishaps and good clean fun, Eddy realises that humans aren’t that bad after all, forgetting all about the invasion and deciding to join a fraternity instead.
Starring: Ashton Kutcher as Eddy, with Eugene Levy dropping in for a cameo as the on-site band-master.
Directed By: The Farrelly Brothers. The potential for robot dick gags would be too much for them to resist.
Blade Runner vs. Terminator: Requiem
The Plot: A crossover caper in which Deckard finds himself dragged out of retirement (again) in order to take on the hulking shape of the Terminator. It’s robot against maybe-robot in a balls-out fight to the death. What is the Terminator doing there in the first place? Er…we’ll get back to you on that. In the meantime, looke at those fight scenes! Ooooooooooh!
Starring: Fire up the digital de-ager! We’re sending Harrison and Arnie back to the ‘80s!
Directed By: Hmm, we need somebody who’s capable of handling action and who wouldn’t be afraid to weather the inevitable backlash from two sets of irate fanboys. Has anyone got Uwe Boll’s number?
Blade Runner: Deckard In Space
The Plot: Poor old Deckard. They just won’t let him retire in peace will they? This time around he’s being blasted off into space to quash a replicant uprising that’s kicked off on one of Earth’s off-world colonies. Trouble is, he’s not just got replicants to deal with. There are aliens there too! What a bloody palaver.
Starring: Jason Statham stars as the unsmiling Deckard, Hayden Christensen is the snivelling lead replicant whilst John Travolta crops up as the head of the alien marauders.
Directed By: Roland Emmerich cranks the carnage up to eleven. He ruddy loves blowing stuff up does Roland…
Blade Runner 2: Deckard In Tha Hood
The Plot: Replicants are on the move again, only this time they’re disguising themselves as gangsta rappers. Don’t bother yourselves wondering why. All you need to know is that Earth’s last hope lies with Rick Deckard, who must infiltrate a cabal of swearword-spouting lyricists in order to eke out the robots in their midst. Word.
Starring: WWE’s John Cena stars as the jive-talking Deckard, whilst Ice T reprises his Leprechaun performance as chief rapper, Big Hustla.
Directed By: Rob Cohen, he of the excellent Mummy sequel, Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor . Ahem.
Blade Runner Forever
The Plot: With Deckard officially retired, there’s a new Blade Runner in town, a camp, pun-slinging character who goes by the name of Blade Man. He’s called into action when an evil maniac known as “Doctor Chill “gets his hands on a shipment of replicants and uses them to set an evil plan in motion, in which the earth’s temperature is reduced to below freezing. Cool your jets Blade Man! A freeze is coming…
Starring: Roger Moore stars as Blade Man (de-aged again, naturally) whilst Willem Dafoe hams it up as Doctor Chill.
Directed By: Joel Schumacher. Of course.
Blade Runner: The Musical
The Plot: That’s right, its sing-a-long-a- Blade Runner , a shot for shot remake of the first film, with a series of song and dance numbers crudely crowbarred it at the least appropriate moments. Think The Simpsons' nightmarish vision of Stop The Planet Of The Apes I Want To Get Off , and you’re on the right lines. All together now: “I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z”.
Starring: Pierce Brosnan gets another chance to show off that fine singing voice by taking over the role of Deckard. Earplugs at the ready everyone…
Directed By: High School Musical’ s Kenny Ortega is on hand to ensure the cast have got the old tits and teeth routine down pat.
Blade Runner Zero
The Plot: With more and more replicants turning rogue and heading to Earth, the Blade Runner department decides enough is enough and sends Deckard back in time to prevent the Tyrell Corporation from ever being founded. Culture-clash hilarity abounds as Deckard becomes the proverbial fish-out-of-water in present day Los Angeles.
Starring: Harrison Ford isn’t considered comedic enough for the franchise’s new direction, so Kevin James is drafted in to replace him.
Directed By: John Landis steps up to the plate, ensuring the belly laughs come thick and fast! What? He did a great job with the Blues Brothers sequel, right? Right?
Blade Runner 2: I'm Talking To You!
The Plot: Deckard’s back on the beat in LA, but this time he’s not working alone, as he’s forced to team up with a motor-mouthed sidekick in order to bust a replicant-smuggling operation at the heart of the city’s underworld. Will the two mismatched partners be able to get along despite their differences? We’ll have a bloody good laugh finding out…
Starring: Christian Bale plays the gruff, by-the-book Deckard, whilst Chris Tucker signs on as his “hilarious” sidekick.
Directed By: This one has got Brett Ratner’s name written all over it, if only because he’s the only director in Hollywood willing to work with Chris Tucker.
Blade Runner: They Live!
The Plot: The replicant programme, long shut-down after the mayhem of the first film, is hurriedly restarted when Los Angeles falls prey to a zombie uprising. The stage is set for a fight to the finish between robot and zombie. But can the puny earthlings really rely on the replicants to have their best interests at heart?
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as the lead replicant charged with taking down the undead hordes. We’ll have Ving Rhames in there as his human sidekick for good measure.
Directed By: The auteur known as Paul W.S. Anderson. What he doesn’t know about sci-fi/zombie movies isn’t worth knowing. Probably…
Blade Runner Reloaded
The Plot: Rick Deckard sets out on a voyage of self-discovery to discover once and for all whether he is in fact replicant or human. All the nail-biting fun of the original is stripped away in favour of a job-lot of cod-philosophy and existential naval-gazing. Box-office gold, no?
Starring: Russell Crowe replaces Ford, puffing his way from one shadowy boardroom to the next, bellowing, “who am I?” at anybody willing to listen.
Directed By: The Wachowski Brothers take on directorial duties, promising fans they will “expand the mythology” of the original. Yawn…
The Plot: A breezy sci-fi caper in which Deckard joins forces with eleven other disgruntled replicants, having hatched an ingenious scheme to take down the Tyrell Corporation, and its new boss Eldon Tyrell Junior! Damn, those are twelve cool replicants.
Starring: George Clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt et al…aren’t interested. So instead, we’d end up with Stephen Baldwin, Tamer Hassan and Danny Dyer.
Directed By: Steven Soderbergh wouldn’t touch this with a ten-foot barge pole. Nick Love on the other hand…