100 Xbox April Fools headlines you mustn't fall for

The April Fools' gaming story was a novelty once. Then it became a tradition. Now, it's simply an expectation - every site going will have its own little joke for you, and you won't fall for any of them. So allow me to put an end to this tired old idea, by using up every single headline anyone could possibly come up with. April Fools is dead.

1. Try these special Kinect commands

For today only, saying "Xbox, go to hell" will make a big picture of Phil Spencer pulling a sad face appear onscreen.

2. HoloLens only works if you believe in it

Just like that movie. You know, Hook.

3. Breakfast at Tiffany's: A Telltale Series is a laugh-a-minute gorefest

See Mickey Rooney's spleen in the teaser trailer.

4. Xbox One spotted in the next series of House of Cards

But Kevin Spacey won't be playing it - he'll be living inside a giant one, and making speeches about how politics is just like a circuitboard.

5. New Call of Duty special edition to come packaged with a gun license

Enjoy the sweet, meaty recoil of a brand new shotgun.

6. Xbox and Nintendo have joined forces

They're making a new console called "Embittered Fist of the Underdog".

7. Marcus Fenix is your dad

Turns out the beefy soul-patch enthusiast is real, and he knew your mum.

8. All Xboxes are alive now, and it's your fault

You shouted at your console about having to install a system update one too many times, and its millions of siblings are angry. Also, inserting discs feels pretty weird now.

9. Whoa! There's a secret in every Xbox One box

Lift up the bottom-right cardboard flap underneath the bulk of the console's packaging - a single stick of Wrigley's Juicy Fruit gum awaits everyone curious enough.

10. Major Nelson joins the army

Microsoft's social media pioneer has undertaken his biggest publicity stunt yet by setting out to become an actual major. Sadly, he has to start from the bottom, so it will take 11 promotions and significant combat experience before he can return.

11. The PlayStation 4 is just gone

Everything's OK now

12. Bill Gates is back

He's reneged on giving all that money to charity, and pumped it into a sequel to Kameo.

13. They're re-releasing the original Xbox

Xbox: Anniversary Edition will be a big, gold box with two disc trays so that you can "mash-up" old games, like a DJ.

14. Kojima quit Konami because of "irreconcilable creative differences"

They wouldn't let him subtitle Metal Gear Solid V 'Revengeance' as well

15. Muse to release concept album about Ryse: Son of Rome

Songs include "Your God, My Gods", "Titus' Ancient Rage", "Tortoise Formation", and "We Wish the Game was Set in Space Because That's What All Our Songs Are Generally About".

16. Peter Molyneux to spearhead design of a Microsoft handheld

Features will include 2TB internal memory, free 4G online functionality and the ability to "actually shoot real lightning from your fingers if you take off your jumper fast enough".

17. Did you know that three men screen every single Xbox Live message?

They are all crying, constantly.

18. Microsoft exec rants: "Hey, screw you Japan"

"Look, if they're not going to buy our consoles, we might as well bring the freaking Duke controller back, we only shrunk it for them in the first place."

19. That Halo 5 beta was actually an alpha of the real beta

Paranoid video game testing culture reaches its apex as 343 turns the world's population into QA for itself, and we all wipe ourselves out with a big bomb.

20. Bill Gates' Kameo sequel scrapped

He pulled out at the last minute because he decided it'd be cooler to see a new Chromehounds.

21. The German Shepherd they mo-capped for Call of Duty: Ghosts is directing a new Battlefield game

He's called Charlie, and he's a traitor.

22. Six new Xbox One special editions announced

Snap up the Mauve, Taupe, Glaucoma, Walmart, Spine Tingler™ or Assassin's Creed: Victory models while you can.

23. Report: Official Xbox Magazine has officially outsold the Bible

The results are in, we're the best.

24. Apple sues Microsoft for using the word "app"

"We used it up first," said Apple spokeswoman, Siri Computerstein, "what gives?"

25. Rare are making a proper sequel to GoldenEye

"James Bond's PlatinumPeepers" to arrive in Q4.

26. We set up an Xbox One in our toilet and you won't believe what happened

It started singing.

27. E3 has been moved to July

Someone accidentally dropped a ham sandwich behind a bin in the main conference hall last year and it "just stank".

28. The new Harmonix game is Rock Band: Beach Boys

You'd better have four microphones, an ear for harmonies and a dreamy smile, or this will suck hard.

29. Gaming's ultimate fighter mash-up is on its way

'Street Fighter vs. Tekken vs. Mortal Kombat vs. Killer Instinct vs. Soul Calibur vs. Darkstalkers vs. WWE vs. UFC vs. Star Wars: Masters of Teräs Käsi' is out next year, but it still won't be as much fun as Salty Bet.

30. What is Ken Lobb's favourite food?

The Microsoft Studios supremo is a chilli con carne fiend, says the Wall Street Journal. Still no word on any of his games.

31. "Videogames don't make your kids violent, they just make them better at fighting, that's different, shut up"

It's science.

32. Popular conception of how technology progresses through society smashed in new study

It doesn't go "military - video games - consumer electronics", it goes "aliens - video games - military - back to aliens - Japan - everywhere else".

33. All the April Fools are not April Fools at all, including this one... April Fooooools!

Haha gotcha

34. The cars in Forza 6 will only be available in yellow

It's something to do with a cult the producer just joined

35. New firmware update makes Xbox One casing acidic

It's a mistake, just grab a strong household alkali to neutralise the new hazard

36. The Pope just heard about how you kill his predecessor in Assassin's Creed II - you won't believe his reaction

He laughed and laughed and laughed

37. Bill Gates scraps Chromehounds sequel

Says that, on reflection, mechs are "dumb" and "for nerds". Now he likes Braid.

38. Haunting! Creepy glitch turns players into ghosts

By "glitch", I mean "electrical malfunction".

39. Steel Battallion 3 is on its way - what will the gimmicky peripheral be this time?

It's four DJ Hero decks, one for each limb.

40. Lifehack: turn your Xbox One power brick into an efficient electrical dynamo

One rectangle could power your whole street

41. UK Government invests millions in new educational game series

'Davey Cameron's Food Bank Queue-Counting' is the game austerity demands.

42. Cliff Bleszinski 24/7 POV Twitch stream raises $100,000 for charity

No one expected to see that murder, though.

43. Xbox One smartwatch announced

It's bloody massive.

44. Lil Wayne sues makers of Def Jam Rapstar

The rapper contends that appearing on a soundtrack alongside Soulja Boy caused "irreperable and grievous damage to my swag".

45. Bill Gates "doesn't get" Braid

"Wait, so I'm the bad guy? What's the point, then?" said the billionaire, while rapidly dialling the phone number of whoever made Blood Wake.

46. Warframe developer announces that its game is free-to-play - again

"It's just that no one's playing it, so we guess we must have forgotten to mention it before. Right?"

47. This man just set a grand theft auto speedrun record

The carjacker has since been apprehended by police and given a big medal.

48. The Division's mystery disease is actually norovirus

High-def puke all over the place.

49. After advertising new games with T-shirts, Phil Spencer's ready to try using his jeans

Maybe a stovepipe hat, too.

50. There's a typo on every single Watch Dogs box

"That underscore was never meant to be there, we just had to have one for a forum username and the art intern did a copy-paste job. We were all like "phew" when no one seemed to notice"

51. Turtle Rock says that Evolve's DLC plan was an "in-joke"

You had to be there.

52. Bill Gates sinks weaponised speed boat

Pulls out of latest project, saying, "Blood Wake isn't realistic at all. Who remembers Panzer Dragoon Orta?"

53. Telltale says it won't commit to shipping episodes regularly until you get your act together

"Do you remember all of your family's birthdays? Well sometimes we forget things too. Glass houses, alright? Jeez."

54. Meet Dom Santiago - the man who had an existential crisis playing Gears of War 3

He thinks he's dead now.

55. Assassin's Creed to become the first monthly AAA game series

They'll only stop when they run out of countries.

56. Food for thought: Just Cause 3 was inspired by birds

Rico's wingsuit was apparently based on bird-arms, or "wings", if you're a scientist.

57. Who's using an Xbox One instead of a gravestone?

The most terrifying red ring error of all.

58. Watch: Tony Hawk silently crying in front of the old Neversoft office

Skaters don't understand business.

59. If it can see you, and it can understand you, is Kinect technically alive?

UN begins redrafting Human Rights legislation.

60. The makers of Syndicate, Blacksite, TimeShift and Clive Barker's Jericho have teamed up for an experiment

Can they make a game you'll forget immediately after finishing with it?

61. Dragon's Dogma 2 announced

It's literally just a three-hour video of the producer trying to explain what the hell was going on in the last game.

62. I can't believe I just screamed into an HDMI slot, but here's why you should too

Higher resolutions in minutes.

63. Scalebound revealed

It's actually a game about tying dragons to weighing devices

64. There are no more games

We've used up all the polygons, and developers don't know what to use next.

65. Someone filled a blimp with chocolate effigies of Max from Life is Strange

Also: our review of Episode 3

66. BANNED: apparently you can't advertise a console by photoshopping it into pictures of One Direction

But Zayn's totally cool with it

67. Rise of the Tomb Raider is an Xbox One exclusive again!

(In Iceland)

68. Play Wolfenstein: The New Order today for a real surprise

But is playing AS Hitler a step too far?

69. The next big eSport is... LocoCycle?

MLG competes to see who stomach it for the longest

70. Someone's made an Xbox 360 that fits into the Genesis cartridge slot - but what does it do?

Spoiler: nothing, except insulting Sega's now-tragic legacy

71. Shocking: "Why did we call it the One? Well, there's this Jet Li film..."

Microsoft brand consultant reveals awful taste in movies.

72. Pour Some Sugar On It

The unlikely story of how 343 and Def Leppard fixed the Master Chief Collection servers

73. Xbox to ditch green as its primary colour

"It just makes everyone think of grass. We want to mean more than grass, much more. Which is why we've gone with purple - you know, like Belgium's national soccer team. A whole country! It's brand recognition dynamite."

74. "Xbox, let's go for a run"

Why you need to buy a set of metallic spider's legs today

75. Bill Gates builds dragon

"I am become god, Panzer Dragoon is small fry compared to me, what a rush"

76. Bill Gates crashes dragon

It was made of oak, and barely lifted off. "Pissing games. Just give all the money back to the cataracts people, I'm not even bothered anymore"

77. Forget always-online, here's the future of Xbox consoles

Better make sure you've got a fishtank handy.

78. Microsoft Studios relocates from Redmond to a mile-deep bunker somewhere in Eurasia

Tax incentives.

79. Enormous bees scupper release plans for Quantum Break

They had some very sage criticism about the validity of a purely linear narrative that takes into account time dilation.

80. Give your car a Halo makeover

Just chop off the rear part of the roof and have a friend stand in the back, bellowing through an earpiece that you should have turned right back there, you colossal tool.

^]]~. Xbox Live pulls a "Microsoft points" again

Real money transactions replaced with an exciting gambling-based currency that has you guessing what arbitrary symbols could mean - perfect for social media wildfire like unannounced flash sales, or legally screwing people out of hundreds of pounds for the D4 beard pack.

82. Microsoft finally has a platforming mascot character to be proud of

He's a giggling kitchen spatula called 'Craig'.

83. In a single calendar year, 200,000,000 work hours were wasted trying to work out if making more Worms games was just an ironic joke

The real irony is that we still don't know

84. Wait! Don't say 'Xbox Snap' until you've updated

The last firmware download was too powerful, and your console will try to bend itself in half like a silicon breadstick.

85. All games will have a Lego game version of them now

Why stem the tide of the inevitable?

86. No one knows where this game came from, but everyone's afraid to ask

'Putin Stimulator' appears, unannounced, on Xbox Store. And no, we don't think that's a typo.

87. Xbox to become world's first adults-only console

New models will be covered in broccoli and spikes to stop underage purchases

88. Handsome Jack was based on a real-life friend of the Borderlands 2 director

He wasn't a company-owning, egotistical mass-murderer - he just had his weird, thin face stapled on.

89. There's a new indie game called 'Fight Club', but it's not what you think

You just have to punch down a discotheque.

90. Well, this is just confusing.

All headlines swapped around with main text

91. There's a game called Minecraft and it looks like the pits

*makes fart sounds with mouth*

92. George Lucas clarifies Star Wars extended universe decisions

We're safe, everyone - Force Unleashed is still canon. Everything else has gone right in the garbage.

93. In loving memory of James Gandolfini, all Xbox games will cut suddenly to black instead of having an ending

Phil Spencer was a big fan.

94. Far Cry and Devil May Cry are finally combined

Meet your new favourite series, 'Far Devil'.

95. Bethesda finally admits the truth - Doom never existed

Not even the first one - "that was just Wolfenstein 3D, and you all misremembered"

96. Mad Katz makes officially-licensed USB desk fan for Xbox One

Tagline is: "Don't sweat it, gamers! Unless you want to. Wink". They even typed out the word "wink" like that, it's weird.

97. "Put bears in every game", says International Bear Commission

They're very biased.

98. Xbox One gets a motivational app, but it's a little off-base

Every piece of life advice is either "game it out", "fight your ancestors" or "ride a horse".

99. Did... did my Xbox just wink at me?

Get out get out gET OUT

100. Bill Gates sulks

He's basically just playing Minesweeper all the ti- "Guys. I've got an incredible idea. Get my money back. I don't care how."

Joe first fell in love with games when a copy of The Lion King on SNES became his stepfather in 1994. When the cartridge left his mother in 2001, he turned to his priest - a limited edition crystal Xbox - for guidance. And now he's here.