10 Inappropriate Movie Videogames

So, the chaps behind the Hitman games are currently weaving Lars Von Trier’s intensely personal film about manic depression, child death and sexual violence into an action-adventure videogame.

It features Willem Dafoe wandering around a forest confronting everyone’s phobias.

It sounds rubbish. And it got us thinking about some other films that should never, ever be games...

For: Quentin Tarantino’s return to form has a videogame structure, including talky cut-scenes and exciting stalk and slash confrontations.

And history provided it with the ultimate end of game boss. Hitler, obviously.

Against: It’s a little bit bad taste. Tarantino would love it.

Uses The Same Engine As: Wolfenstein 3D

For: Martyrs is an existential horror flick in the same spraying vein as Antichrist. It even has a religious title.

If Antichrist takes off, expect Martyrs to follow, probably using concept art like you can see on the left for character design.

Against: Martyrs is the most harrowing film ever made. It makes Hostel look like Postal. It’s a horror film you survive, not a survival horror template.

Uses The Same Engine As: Silent Hill

For: Sonic chases rings, Mario’s after mushrooms and Daniel Plainview craves oil – he’s a platform star waiting to happen!

Either that or we buff up Daniel Day Lewis and send him on a punch-em-up mission to take down his enemies.

Against: As much as we’d like to see Plainview bombing around loop-the-loops grabbing oil puddles and karate kicking electric cars, it does sort of miss the point of PT Anderson’s source material.

Uses The Same Engine As: Final Fight 2 / Sonic The Hedgehog

For: This dark abortion drama is as bleak as cinema gets.

So why not make a Sims style hospital game out of it, with kids racking up points for every foetus they destroy? Bonus points are awarded for operations conducted outside the premises.

Against: Because it’s a hideous idea and we’re a little bit ashamed of ourselves for even imagining it.

We’re pretty sure the chaps behind Antichrist are patenting the idea as we speak, though.

Uses The Same Engine As: Theme Hospital

For: It’s already a puzzle game in film form. So why not make it a puzzle game in puzzle game form?

It could be a kind of anti-Tetris, where you have to take apart memories, instead of fitting them together.

Against: Because once you’d won the game, you’d only want to go back and lose it, by putting everything back together again.

Then you’d want to win it again... Basically, you’d never need to buy another game and the publishers would go bust.

Uses The Same Engine As: Tetris

For: The stars of David Cronenberg’s Crash love smashing up cars. Teenagers love games that let you smash up cars. Brand synergy, anyone?

Against: The makers would probably have to leave out the fact that you’re controlling characters that can only get multiple orgasms by causing multiple pile-ups – and without that key detail, what’s the point?

Uses The Same Engine As: Demolition Derby

For: If Oliver Stone can profit from 9/11 by celebrating the brave firefighters and policemen who took part in rescue operations, why can’t videogame companies?

It's about time the War On Terror got a game. World War II cartridges sell by the bucket-load, and no-one complains that’s the war your grandad died in.

Against: Because it’s crass, cynical and sick. It will definitely happen one day.

Uses The Same Engine As: Pilot Wings 64

For: Nintendo would be able to use the Wii remote in a really nifty way, allowing gamers replicate the bit where Harvey Keitel masturbates by the car.

Extra points for church wanking, funeral wanking and birthday party wanking.

Against: See above.

Uses The Same Engine As: Mario Tennis

Believe it or not, this one was actually developed .

After all, what’s a better subject for a shoot ‘em up than one man’s mission to protect a 12-year old prostitute from a jive-talking pimp?

Thankfully, the developers decided that the story of a Vietnam vet’s descent into madness was best left in the videoshop, and canned it before it was released.