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Would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

Like flying piranha or sentient automobiles with a grudge, an apocalypse is something humanity doesn't want gate-crashing the cosmic party. Famine. Pestilence. War. Death. These are just four types of disaster commonly associated with an apocalypse and each one is guaranteed to kill the mood at any social gathering or LAN party. More catastrophically, they can also kill a significant proportion of the World's people population. Especially Death. Make no mistake - apocalypses are no fun. 


Above: An artist's impression of an apocalypse 

What does all this have to do with video games? We're getting to that. First, here's a little background apocalypse information. If you've played Darksiders, feel free to skip the next bit as you'll probably know most of it anyway.


A little background apocalypse information

Originally, in the olden days before the Magnavox Odyssey, the Book of Revelation painted a bleak word-picture of an apocalyptic scenario. A Biblically melodramatic showdown to end all showdowns between good and evil. Sort of like wrestling, but with people actually getting hurt for real.


Above: Using wrestling as a metaphor for the Book of Revelation

However, those New Testament types made it cryptic and confusing and no-one could really be sure what the Book of Revelation was saying exactly. Sort of like playing Killer 7, but without the elderly, schizophrenic wheelchair-bound assassin. The general lesson was that apocalypses are bad and should be avoided at all costs.


Above: Using Killer7 as a metaphor for nobody understanding the Book of Revelation

Over the next 1000 or so years, the apocalypse concept endured as one of the more popular bits of The Bible. As writing skills improved, many new, more imaginative and not so dreary types of apocalypse were invented. Nuclear. Zombie. Robot. Monster. Alien. Giant asteroid and so on. These modern types of apocalypse were popularised by books and films and video games. And that's what apocalypses have to do with video games.


So, would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

While the event of an apocalypse would certainly throw a significantly proportioned metaphorical spanner in the works of humankind, as gamers we would statistically stand a better chance of survival than other types of people. Observe this made-up evidence:

We have years of simulated apocalypse and post-apocalypse training experience on our side. And that gives us an advantage. However, there are rules and not all apocalypses are gamer-friendly. What you are about to read is a cursory appraisal of five different varieties of apocalypse and whether they would be a) good for gamers, or b) bad for gamers.


The Nuclear Apocalypse

Would a landscape gardener know what to do when confronted by a vicious, giant mutated mole rat on the nuclear badlands? No. They would attempt to distract the beast by installing a cascading water sphere and arranging small piles of expensive pebbles. Despite creating a calming environment, this would ultimately be ineffective. A gamer on the other hand would know that a simple way to disable a vicious, giant mutated mole rat would be to punch it in the eyes.

However, the first step to surviving a nuclear apocalypse is surviving the immense destructive force of the initial thermonuclear explosion. This can be achieved easily enough by taking refuge under a piece of furniture. PC players can duck under their desks and an overturned gaming chair makes a great temporary shelter.

If it's one of those really expensive ones, the gaming chair can be used at a later date as a throne or some other symbolic seat of power when you become leader of your own Children of the Atom style cult or religion.

But what if you're caught outside when the bomb drops? No problem. Attach a PSP or DS to your face to shield your eyes from the blast to prevent blindness.

You can also use PictoChat to communicate with other nearby gamers without the need for an internet connection.

Conclusion: The Nuclear-type apocalypse would be GOOD for gamers.

Next: Additional apocalypse mayhem! 

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45 comments

  • 435 - March 2, 2011 11:24 a.m.

    All worth it for the picture of Cundy with the PSP rubber banded to his melon.
  • FrozenImplosion - March 2, 2011 11:31 a.m.

    I agree with the conclusion on the zombie apocalypse. We as gamers would probably last longer than others, but you can't fight forever and we'd eventually all get overrun :/
  • KakashiDono - March 2, 2011 11:40 a.m.

    That fucking moon always creeped me the hell out. Zombie apocalypse would be easy to survive. I'm prepared and have read the zombie survival guide. It's a good read. I also have guns and gun experience.
  • StrayGator - March 2, 2011 11:49 a.m.

    "Ceci n'est pas une zombie". I see what you did tharr.
  • DirkSteele1 - March 2, 2011 11:51 a.m.

    I am slightly concerned about what my survival probability might be. I am a gamer, I have a background in astrophysics (similar to theoretical physicist I would argue) but I have now sold out and work as a banker which is only slightly better than being the CEO of Activision. Am I screwed?
  • jmcgrotty - March 2, 2011 12:03 p.m.

    Gamers would have no problem surviving a zombie apocalypse. No way could the zombies figure out how to open the door to the gamer parents basement.
  • moon4567 - March 2, 2011 12:24 p.m.

    I live in puerto rico, zombie apocalypse? BRING IT OOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
  • VoodooPanda - March 2, 2011 12:54 p.m.

    If it meant I couldnt play games anymore I'd just shoot myself and get it over with
  • SpaceCowboy - March 2, 2011 1:03 p.m.

    Haha this was amazing. Only the genius of Matt Cundy could create such an article.
  • OmegaWeaponGeanC - March 2, 2011 1:06 p.m.

    Wanna co-oo moon? Lets kill the fkers! I get the monkeys tho...
  • JMAN1156 - March 2, 2011 1:32 p.m.

    You forgot the number one rule of zombieland (and this applies to most Apocalypses) CARDIO! Most gamers lack it. All the fat bastards were the first to go.
  • humpiedumpie - March 2, 2011 1:32 p.m.

    Great article, one of the best i read in a while :)
  • fetalspray - March 2, 2011 1:42 p.m.

    'Dinosaurs have a tendency to unextinct themselves when there's lava about.' So true.
  • jughid22 - March 2, 2011 1:46 p.m.

    @JMAN1156..yeah zombie apocalypse should include rules from zombieland :D Rule 8.: "Get a kickass partner" i was planning to get a plant.. whew too bad
  • Fiirestorm21 - March 2, 2011 2:06 p.m.

    "and keep an eye out for dinosaurs. Dinosaurs have a tendency to unextinct themselves when there's lava about." QFT. Great article. Especially loved the breakdown on zombies. I always thought we had a chance.
  • Queefitswhatsfordinner - March 2, 2011 2:10 p.m.

    I recently wrote an article on video game weapons I'd want in the apocalypse. If anyone is bored if to read it. http://www.thebachelorguy.com/top-10-video-game-weapons-youll-want-for-the-coming-apocalypse.html#c
  • Sharkbot - March 2, 2011 4:42 p.m.

    "Misinformed casual gamers would adopt an ineffective shrubbery-based defence and consequently be gnawed to the bone quicker than a bucket of KFC." WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! MY PEASHOOTERS WON'T STOP THEM?!
  • g4m3rk1dd - March 2, 2011 4:43 p.m.

    "Gamers would have no problem surviving a zombie apocalypse. No way could the zombies figure out how to open the door to the gamer parents basement." SOMEBODY doesnt play CoDBOPs...
  • oryandymackie - March 2, 2011 4:50 p.m.

    Fallout. Enough said.
  • VigotheCarpathian - March 2, 2011 5:34 p.m.

    Me and my friends sometimes discuss how we would like to die if we could choose. Dying in an Alien vs Humanity intergalactic war is always the unanimous choice.

Showing 1-20 of 45 comments

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