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Would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

Like flying piranha or sentient automobiles with a grudge, an apocalypse is something humanity doesn't want gate-crashing the cosmic party. Famine. Pestilence. War. Death. These are just four types of disaster commonly associated with an apocalypse and each one is guaranteed to kill the mood at any social gathering or LAN party. More catastrophically, they can also kill a significant proportion of the World's people population. Especially Death. Make no mistake - apocalypses are no fun. 


Above: An artist's impression of an apocalypse 

What does all this have to do with video games? We're getting to that. First, here's a little background apocalypse information. If you've played Darksiders, feel free to skip the next bit as you'll probably know most of it anyway.


A little background apocalypse information

Originally, in the olden days before the Magnavox Odyssey, the Book of Revelation painted a bleak word-picture of an apocalyptic scenario. A Biblically melodramatic showdown to end all showdowns between good and evil. Sort of like wrestling, but with people actually getting hurt for real.


Above: Using wrestling as a metaphor for the Book of Revelation

However, those New Testament types made it cryptic and confusing and no-one could really be sure what the Book of Revelation was saying exactly. Sort of like playing Killer 7, but without the elderly, schizophrenic wheelchair-bound assassin. The general lesson was that apocalypses are bad and should be avoided at all costs.


Above: Using Killer7 as a metaphor for nobody understanding the Book of Revelation

Over the next 1000 or so years, the apocalypse concept endured as one of the more popular bits of The Bible. As writing skills improved, many new, more imaginative and not so dreary types of apocalypse were invented. Nuclear. Zombie. Robot. Monster. Alien. Giant asteroid and so on. These modern types of apocalypse were popularised by books and films and video games. And that's what apocalypses have to do with video games.


So, would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

While the event of an apocalypse would certainly throw a significantly proportioned metaphorical spanner in the works of humankind, as gamers we would statistically stand a better chance of survival than other types of people. Observe this made-up evidence:

We have years of simulated apocalypse and post-apocalypse training experience on our side. And that gives us an advantage. However, there are rules and not all apocalypses are gamer-friendly. What you are about to read is a cursory appraisal of five different varieties of apocalypse and whether they would be a) good for gamers, or b) bad for gamers.


The Nuclear Apocalypse

Would a landscape gardener know what to do when confronted by a vicious, giant mutated mole rat on the nuclear badlands? No. They would attempt to distract the beast by installing a cascading water sphere and arranging small piles of expensive pebbles. Despite creating a calming environment, this would ultimately be ineffective. A gamer on the other hand would know that a simple way to disable a vicious, giant mutated mole rat would be to punch it in the eyes.

However, the first step to surviving a nuclear apocalypse is surviving the immense destructive force of the initial thermonuclear explosion. This can be achieved easily enough by taking refuge under a piece of furniture. PC players can duck under their desks and an overturned gaming chair makes a great temporary shelter.

If it's one of those really expensive ones, the gaming chair can be used at a later date as a throne or some other symbolic seat of power when you become leader of your own Children of the Atom style cult or religion.

But what if you're caught outside when the bomb drops? No problem. Attach a PSP or DS to your face to shield your eyes from the blast to prevent blindness.

You can also use PictoChat to communicate with other nearby gamers without the need for an internet connection.

Conclusion: The Nuclear-type apocalypse would be GOOD for gamers.

Next: Additional apocalypse mayhem! 

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45 comments

  • KippDynamite - March 5, 2011 12:42 a.m.

    This is way Matt Cundy is my favorite. Probably the most funny game related article I have ever read!
  • Gameguy94 - March 4, 2011 1:50 a.m.

    LOL casual gamers would use plants to kill zombies!! That's was good. Very funny article GR.
  • elmaropwnz - March 3, 2011 9:30 p.m.

    Nice one Cundy, the zombie one is suprising yet reasonable let's just wait for dead island, then maybe we'll stand a chance!
  • rxb - March 3, 2011 8:06 p.m.

    Cundy your mental. Good article.
  • quincytheodore - March 3, 2011 6:23 a.m.

    I disagree. I would rock in zombie apocalypse. I even had dreams about it, I shit you not. If it comes to that, "Everyone on me!" Wait scratch that, people will probably just get in my way, and they'll get bitten, turn on me, making me shoot them thus wasting bullet and piece of my sanity. Just get away from me and bring all the upcoming emotional scar with you.. "sniff" maybe I won't survive after all :(
  • RideZeLitenin - March 3, 2011 4:33 a.m.

    Apocalype Now? Anytime.
  • Spybreak8 - March 3, 2011 4:30 a.m.

    Bravo sir, haha bravo. Great article.
  • Japanaman - March 3, 2011 4:02 a.m.

    I suppose the best way to die would be to get crushed by a giant Katamari as aliens steal junk from Earth to marvel at it later in a giant snowglobe or something.
  • Valntyne - March 3, 2011 2:05 a.m.

    I say bring it.
  • Roofmonkey - March 3, 2011 12:19 a.m.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTbYUd1jUc4 ^ Dont forget about that
  • Hullonotna - March 2, 2011 11:31 p.m.

    Amazing article. Most gamers would last longer then most in a zombie apocalypse and should be used as the main soldiers in an alien invasion. One thing that would destroy gamers is an elemental apocalypse, no power :'(
  • majrf22 - March 2, 2011 11:08 p.m.

    you got that quite right, one thing though, the ultimate survivors would be people like me, people who actually know how to use a shotgun.
  • oneshotfinch - March 2, 2011 10:02 p.m.

    This is a fantastic example of a Matt Cundy article.
  • Markstone - March 2, 2011 9:32 p.m.

    Shouldn't an Activision CEO have a 0% survival chance?
  • AurA - March 2, 2011 9:27 p.m.

    aww i always imagined the zombie apocalypse to be the best apocalypse. I mean i already have a pretty decent sword, which makes me already prepared for the zombie apocalype in 2012 *crossing fingers*
  • gopikmin - March 2, 2011 9:17 p.m.

    our success depends if the zombies can be runners or not. I would drive a car around town really fast to mow as i can. When i get low on fuel i take out the guns I "borrowed" from the gun and aim for the limbs until i reach some sort of safehouse or skyscraper and camp out until the zombie population is extinct in the area. the plan would be foolproof except that i live near nyc. If it is a religious apocalypse the majority of gamers are doomed
  • Crypto140 - March 2, 2011 9:03 p.m.

    I lost many a friend with arguments about what would happen during a zombie invasion. Me: During a zombie invasion, I would so be the Bill. I older and wiser than all of you. Friend: Sure, you can be the old guy who gets a heart attack half way though. I will be more like Chuck Greene. Me: I forgot you could kick a soccer ball and it would hit 50 zombies from one kick. Friend: Yes I could because I am so hardcore. I can make it to rank 10 in CoD Nazi zombies. Me: Ohhhhhhh good for you. You can make it to rank 10 in a zombie invasion where you get weapons off the walls and open doors with points, becasue you're not smart enough to shoot the lock. Friend: No, I will build a chainsaw pattle. Then when you run out of ammo- Me: I don't run out of ammo. It's only when I am covering your sorry ass from a hunter, I run out of ammo- Friend; But I will have a meele weapon. Me: That's 50 pounds, and if I recall, breaks after 50 zombies. It will look like you hitting zombies with a sofa.
  • philipshaw - March 2, 2011 8:12 p.m.

    Was Cundy drunk when he wrote this?
  • killerjon666 - March 2, 2011 7:11 p.m.

    Yes I agree that casual "I only play nazi zombies" gamers would get gnawed on in a matter of a few days but what about the hardcore gamers who play the resident evil series all hours through the night? I think we would have a decent chance in the zombie apocalypse.
  • krejsy - March 2, 2011 7:04 p.m.

    Really good article, and also, I'm quite prepared for an inevitable zombie apocalypse. I have even tried to get the first aid kits, and fire safety kits(don't really know what it's called in english) at my school swapped for zombie survival kits. Since it's obvious that someone will turn into a zombie and will need his/hers/its head blown off before some gets hurt of set on fire.

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