What games would a noob buy?

For experienced button-pushers and stick-twiddlers it's easy to stroll into a game store and identify the class from the ass. We know the characters, the franchises, the publishers and the developers that are reliably associated with good gaming pedigree. And, of course, we know what we like.

But what if we were completely clueless? What if we ambled into a game vendor's establishment and felt as bewildered as a dribbling geriatric at an acid house party? What if we thought the latest console was the Sony Xbox? What if we thought Miyamoto was a car made by Nissan?

In order to steal a rare glimpse at the inner-workings of a newbie's brain, we rounded up three self-confessed non-gamers, gave them £50 each (that's like $100) and sent them into our local videogame boutique to see what they would buy. Y'know, if they were ever overwhelmed by an uncontrollable urge to get their game on. Would their uneducated purchases be predictably terrible? Hit the next page to find out...

Above: Our three noobs, Kim, Lucy and Michelle. Lucy's holding the very pink Girl's Guide To Gaming. She didn't want to buy it, though

Note: As you can see from the photo of our test subjects, they are all ladies. This was unintentional. We had hoped to recruit a more diverse line-up (ie with some men), but we couldn't find one gent that would confess to being 'clueless' about videogames. In fact, we couldn't find anyone - male or female - that genuinely knew absolutely nothing about videogames. Which was a bit of a bugger, but still kind of an interesting indication of just how widespread game exposure is nowadays. Thought we'd share that little insight with you.


  • Mboy1100 - April 11, 2011 8:48 p.m.

    .....Happy.....Feet......*pukes*....But I do think SMFOF was a pretty good game.Maybe I'm biased from watching hours of Spider Man at my baby sitters house every day when I was a toddler.
  • Metroidhunter32 - July 4, 2010 5:11 p.m.

    And this is why we are not newbs. We get only the best. Or rather the most marketed, or else Okami would have sold better.
  • RandomSamurai13 - October 1, 2008 5:36 p.m.

    FIRST!! Is what I would shout if I was into that type of thing, but I see it pointless so disregard my opening exclamation. My sister is just like these girls, she'll walk into GAME or Gamestation and just buy something that looks familiar. Nice job.
  • AuthorityFigure - July 30, 2009 7:30 a.m.

    Ewww. Not very good choices there.
  • adrenaguy - July 13, 2009 5:43 p.m.

    holy crap, bleachigo! use some damn punctuation! here, i'll fix it for you: HA! notice how all the noobs have expierienced the wii, I mean I love nintendo to death and most gamers wil agree super mario has popped are preverbial gaming cherry, but still it's a crap system that went in the wrong direction. The only good thing about it is that all of the old games you can get from the wii store. It's sad, I walk into gaming stores and see parents (probably shopping for their offspring) browsing through the wii section, seperated from all the gamers. Also has anybody got any prototype cheats? there, isn't that a much nicer comment to read? it's like the punctuation, spelling and coherent sentence wizards came in, stole a bunch of stuff and then just shot it for fun! It's the internetz peeps! if you're gonna do it right, do it right first time! it will be here FOREVER! (unless you delete it. But shhh) loved the articvle, i made the mistake of buying the simpsons game. on wii. BAD move. ninty has just driven themselves right into the turd heap, and are now gleefully rolling around and mushing it into their faces with each new game. Wii for sale, mint condition, comes with 10 games, one of them guitar hero, with peripheral, recharging station (one that funning works!) two wii remotes with nunchucks, and a steering wheel. anybody? any takers? I might just sell it on ebay...
  • bleachigo909 - July 13, 2009 5:18 p.m.

    HA notice how all the noobs have expierienced the wii i mean i love nintendo to death and most gamers wil agree super mario has popped are preverbial gaming cherry but still its a crap system in the wrong direction the only good thing about it is all the old games u can get from the wii store its sad i walk into gaming stores and see parents (probably shopping for their offspring) browsing through the wii section seperated from all the gamers also anybody got any prototype cheats?
  • CreeplyTuna - July 13, 2009 2:51 a.m.

    classic representation of human nature. great!
  • Xplosive59 - July 9, 2009 3:21 p.m.

    gah it cannot be ... even the non gamers which i know can give a vague explaination of the histrory of metal gear!
  • shadyMrPatch - July 15, 2009 2:43 p.m.

    Xplosive59 "gah it cannot be ... even the non gamers which i know can give a vague explaination of the histrory of metal gear!" What? Even I can't give a reasonable explanation of the history of metal gear and I've played them.
  • baconfacemilomonster - July 15, 2009 4:08 a.m.

    yeah, back when I was a little noob, I got Grand Theft Auto 3...because I heard it was really violent,so of course I wanted it as a kid, turned out I got lucky because it's a kick ass game. But that's not why I bought the game, I got it because I heard it was violent. Very accurate article.
  • Xeacons - July 13, 2009 3:22 p.m.

    I totally expected this to be a comedy article, but you guys kept it pretty solid. Make's perfect sense: familiarity. We all go for what we know; two went for licensees, and one went for the closest-to-casual game on the 360. Veterans like us are just more in the loop; otherwise, we'd do the same thing.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - July 12, 2009 1:07 a.m.

    why is this a playstation 3 article when none of these noobs bought a ps3 game?
  • thomashalpenny - July 9, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    the 1 on the left has downs haha
  • thomashalpenny - July 9, 2009 10:37 p.m.

    Simpsons games is aload of bolox!!! on wii any way at least i hav a ps3 , hey?
  • doomdoomdoom - July 9, 2009 10:06 p.m.

    Shit this article is really accurate i bought the simpsons game because i like the show but after playing it i wish i didn't buy it and should have at least rented it or read the reviews. Does anyone want to buy (xbox 360) The Simpson's Game from me $10, perfect condition (for now!)
  • Scott1121 - July 9, 2009 7:38 p.m.

    non-gamers can be ignorant my friend (who is the only male non-gamer i know) only buys crap wii games you know all of the movie games and links crossbow training, ya he plays wii but i dont count that as gaming
  • FreekinIdiot - July 9, 2009 2:34 p.m.

    Look how happy the noobettes look with their purchases...especially the noobette on the left, she looks like she's have a wondrous day...
  • CARLINNIT - July 9, 2009 2:09 p.m.

    Brilliant Article
  • deora2dude - June 6, 2009 6:39 p.m.

    please change the font. it hurts

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