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Tournament of level one enemies

Ladies and gentlemen, we present the runts and rejects of the forces of darkness, the first line of defense for evil. They're kind of a joke. Nonetheless, they stand tall and straight, inches above knee level, and they bop, hop and wiggle towards any nearby heroes.

We decided to gather them up and find out which of these tossable twerps packs the most punch – it took a while to track them all down, as they usually don't make it out of the "Cave of Basic Game Mechanics" on their own. So, who’s the toughest wimp around?

The bracket:

Why the Goomba should win: Here’s Goomba vs zombie fighting 101: Goombas are probably mushrooms, and zombies tend to be carnivores. Of course, it could be argued that a Goomba has a meaty brain, which would explain how a mushroom can learn to shamble from side-to-side.

To put is simply, no meat equals no eat. The Goomba should be just fine as long as the zombie doesn’t figure out there’s anything inside the mushroom’s cap.

 

Why the zombie should win: If a zombie could sense a Goomba's deliciously marinated brain-meat, we can only assume it wouldn't have any trouble rising from the grave and chewing through the supple mycelium body of a Goomba for the win. The question is: can they smell the brains?

Although zombies were once human, the transformation to undead has given them a vastly enhanced sense of smell. The average human has about 5 million olfactory receptors in their nose, while a zombie may have several times that. Dogs have over 220 million, and that's why we used a dog to conduct this experiment.

Above: And there you have it, a zombie wouldn't even touch a Goomba

Verdict: Goomba Wins!

Why the Bidoof should win: A Bidoof is basically the inbred offspring of a teddy bear and a beaver. It relies on cuteness and the pity of others to avoid being eaten by other Pokemon.

There is no reason the Bidoof should win. But we’d like to see it fight anyway, so we’ll say it should win because it has teeth.

Why the Flood parasite should win: We were lucky enough to have the chance to interview a parasite and it had this to say about the fight:

Seems like there's a lot going on in those parasites' (collective?) minds - they're more than just a hat rack!

Verdict: Infected Bidoof Wins!

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60 comments

  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - March 22, 2010 9:21 p.m.

    ... BIDOOF LOST! ... Serves it right. It isn't even that cute. Too bad this was level one enemies and not easily defeated/very weak enemies, if it was, you could probably have put magikarp, because atleast bidoof can attack (and damage you), which is better than magikarp. ...for non pokemon lovers, heres a demonstration: (magikarp = level 10, torterra = level 69) (im giving the magikarp a chance and letting it go first for a change) Magikarp used Splash! It had no effect. Torterra used Magical Leaf! It's very effective! Magikarp fainted! Torterra earned 1 Experience point! Torterra Wins! '¬'
  • xeropanzer - October 24, 2008 6:11 p.m.

    thats pretty funny although i think it should have been flood and slime in the last battle but then i guess there would need to be plasma burns from master chiefs gun instead of the item box.
  • RadarQJD - October 22, 2008 9:21 p.m.

    Goomba is victorious...Technically.......!!!
  • georgeg1994 - October 22, 2008 5:50 p.m.

    actually the green note is your greates enemy, ever tried the through the fire and flames intro?? takes aages to get right, also yes you can hit a g-o chord with 3 fingers, even 2, and alas the goomba totally should have won. GREAT ARTICLE
  • GamesRadarChrisAntista - October 22, 2008 4:18 p.m.

    Paul Ryan, you're my hero!
  • ELpork - October 22, 2008 4:29 a.m.

    Yea, the last page was... Umm, great.
  • Ravenbom - October 22, 2008 2:10 a.m.

    Well, my money was on the green button. That's the second time I've lost my yet to be conceived first born child! I think the green button took a dive, I mean really, it's the only one in the competition that is still a legitimate challenge in later levels. In fact, green button is the one button that makes orange button a challenge.
  • pinoklin - October 22, 2008 12:49 a.m.

    lol u missed the wookies of stwtfu
  • Ninja-KiLLR - October 22, 2008 12:09 a.m.

    im suprised there was no nazis. but yeah this was very funny
  • creamsoda139 - October 21, 2008 10:44 p.m.

    haha, this article is an epic win!
  • gamit12345 - October 21, 2008 10:34 p.m.

    GO SLIME XD
  • thereaper52 - October 21, 2008 10:19 p.m.

    poor slime i loved him like a brother
  • gorillazbmx6 - October 21, 2008 10:15 p.m.

    you should have had the kick pedal note. No one over the age of 20 can hit it, it is a mystical thing
  • Face0324 - October 21, 2008 10:13 p.m.

    I cant beleive I read this whole article what the hell happened
  • NelosAngelos - October 21, 2008 10:07 p.m.

    I didn't know you could hang a mushroom...
  • Amatarasu - October 21, 2008 10:02 p.m.

    hmmm *note to self* watch out for mushroom kingdom men
  • key0blade - October 21, 2008 9:52 p.m.

    Loved it.
  • KillDrone - October 21, 2008 9:11 p.m.

    Lol who did that last picture?! O.o Creepy...
  • cog114 - October 21, 2008 9:05 p.m.

    It seems there was a third unlikely character in the final round: MARIO!!!!
  • hun23 - October 21, 2008 7:49 p.m.

    another funny tournament

Showing 1-20 of 60 comments

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