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The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

If there’s one thing us gamers like more than freezing our knackers off during midnight launches, it’s complaining. Everything sucks anyway, so we might as well hate on that clipping on level nine or how Nintendo ‘don’t get us’ anymore. So in honour of how rubbish games and everything about them clearly are, we present the top trends we all really, really, really love to bitch about.

Warning: The following article may contain near toxic levels of sarcasm.


7. Review scores

All reviews scores can neatly be broken down into three categories. Category the first: the game scored way too high because the reviewer/magazine/website is bent and being paid off by Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo/EA/Activision/Weyland Yutani. Category the second: the game scored way too low because the reviewer/magazine/website is ‘exactly-what-we-just-typed-and-can’t-be-assed-doing-again’. Category the third: the score is alright… we suppose, but the words are all wrong.


Above: Developers take note - all reviewers can be bought off with crisp sandwiches

Let’s be honest, there’s no way any review can ever please everyone. They are, after all, mere subjective opinions. Try telling that to the ‘nets, though and our (and almost certainly our mother’s good name) will be torn to pieces. And there’s nothing Johnny Angry Forum Poster loves more than informing the entire world that a writer deserves his pink slip for scoring Extreme Earwig Racing 42% instead of 43%.


Above: A sackable offence if ever there was one


6. Shit games selling better than 'proper' games

Curse the injustice of existence. How the hell can Okami sell fewer copies than Big Boobed Extreme Sports Racer?! When will the great unwashed start buying the games that deserve their cash, rather than wasting it all on the ones with the shiny boxes and tits on the cover? They’re killing the industry and putting all those pioneering, visionary developers out of business. Most of whom probably have kids and adorable budgies to feed.


Above: Buy Valve's games, poor Gabe's got hungry mouths to feed

We’ll hastily cover over the fact we’ve all probably been suckered in by that big licensed game at one time or another. Because our hearts are in the right place the other 99.9% of the time. True gamers only buy and support 90%+ scoring games that have budgets smaller than a soup kitchen. Buy even one game with a MetaCritic average of under 84 and we’ve automatically delivered a blow to every single indie game in development. A blow that’ll no doubt force every one into sales obscurity and see their workforces begging under bridges.


Above: Yup, this is what happens when you don't take our purchasing advice

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83 comments

  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - March 22, 2010 4:50 p.m.

    This will translate nicely to audio =)
  • chrisat928 - March 22, 2010 4:51 p.m.

    YAY!!! Week of Hate is back! Uwe Boll sucks ass.
  • Ensoul - March 22, 2010 4:54 p.m.

    That screen grab doesn't look like the N64 Goldeneye?! WTF?! Make a reference to a game and not even use the appropriate screen grab?! Hate it when so called "professional" game sites pull this sh*t. (Seriously though why does GE look so good there?)
  • miltch - March 22, 2010 4:54 p.m.

    Nice work all.But it leaves me with one question,is there really a game called Big Boobed Extreme Sports Racer?
  • dtzulu - March 22, 2010 4:57 p.m.

    GoldenEye STILL rocks!!
  • CatrParrot - March 22, 2010 5:01 p.m.

    I assumed that non-gamers would've been number one on the list. Still, it's great to see that the Week of Hate is back!
  • CH3BURASHKA - March 22, 2010 5:34 p.m.

    Ah, yes, Week o' Hate is back. It's been too long.
  • goochbiscuit - March 22, 2010 5:35 p.m.

    Whoa, whoa... Where'd that Goldeneye pick come from? The game never looked THAT good, so is there some type of remake happening like Perfect Dark that I don't know about?
  • Yaro - March 22, 2010 5:37 p.m.

    My kind of article. Had some laughs. What is kinda sad, is the fact that there NEEDS to be a sarcasm warning, and as if that wasn't enough lotta people won't get it anyway. Do not let that EVER discourage you guys from writing this stuff. This is exactly what makes you the best site on the 'netz. But I'm sure you know that very well. Thanks! recaptcha: The fascismo
  • Unoriginal - March 22, 2010 6 p.m.

    I f***ing hate the article. It is obviously biased toward Sony. Also, 3 PAGES!? Get a life GR.
  • J0NO99 - March 22, 2010 6:07 p.m.

    Unoriginal! You did it! You're in the perfect spirit for the Week of Hate! Psssh. Another hilarious piece by you guys in the UK. BTW, in the Motion Control picture.....is Mr. "I'll kill you all!" holding an N64 controller? Man that definitely brings back memories.
  • gamingfreak - March 22, 2010 6:09 p.m.

    Woot-woot! Week of Hate is back!
  • Ru89 - March 22, 2010 6:27 p.m.

    The week you love to hate is back! I love it!
  • Corsair89 - March 22, 2010 7:01 p.m.

    Yes! Week of Hate is back!
  • Amnesiac - March 22, 2010 7:02 p.m.

    I add my voice to those cheering for a new Week of Hate. Haters gonna hate, baby.
  • RebornKusabi - March 22, 2010 7:08 p.m.

    My Kayako Saeki pic agrees, give me MORE!!!
  • Vitoruss1 - March 22, 2010 7:23 p.m.

    Grammar Nazi Strike: You spelled "their" wrong in the subsection of 'non-gamers'. That pic from Goldeneye looked beautiful... brought a tear to my eye. Was that the Half-Life Goldeneye Mod or is it a work-in-progress? WE ALL NEED MORE GOLDENEYE.
  • CaptainSpatula - March 22, 2010 7:24 p.m.

    um, King Kong was a good movie tie in.
  • KnightDehumidifier - March 22, 2010 7:26 p.m.

    Here is a number of other things gamers love to hate: Politics, religion, social lives based around person-to-person interaction, sanitation, health, politeness, engaging conversations beyond fictional happenstances, relationships that interrupt their lives, children, elderly, paying for rent or taxes (just kidding, all gamers live with their parents), charity, thinking about others, and life.
  • michaelmcc827 - March 22, 2010 7:37 p.m.

    WEEK OF HATE YEEAAAAHH

Showing 1-20 of 83 comments

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