The Top 7... stupid plans for world conquest

When brilliant tactical masterminds aren't

Usually of course,their plansare stopped. But sometimes their plans are so bad that even if they'd worked, they still wouldn't have worked. Here are the top 7 such stupid plans, with their inherent failings highlighted for all the world to laugh at. While not being conquered.

7. Sonic the Hedgehog

Dr. Robotnik’s inappropriate taste in animals

The plan: As a genius science fiction scientist, Dr. Kintobor had the requisite knowledge to makeany far-fetched plan a reality. As screwed-up mad scientist alter ego Dr. Robotnik, there was only one plan he saw fit to make reality. Turning animals into cyborg killing machines with which to take over the world.

The problem: Harnessing the fearsome power of nature is a good idea. An excellent idea in fact. The natural world is home to beings of such scale, such great and majestic power, that it’s really bloody lucky that mankind invented guns. The problem with Robotnik’s plan is that he thinks too small.

Pop one of his metallic Badniks and what jumps out? A small fluffy bunny or a super-deformed penguin. With piss-poor creatures such as those at the heart of his army, it’s no wonder Robotnik’s elite forces can’t even withstand the fairly insignificant force of an airborne hedgehog. Go on, go outside and throw a hedgehog at a car. See which breaks first. Piss-poor.

Gorillas. Lions. Alligators. Bears. Those are what Robotnik should have used.

6. Gears of War/Gears of War 2

Humanity’s continued battle for “survival”

The plan: The Locust are everywhere. They’re overground, underground, dismembering free. Humanity is boned and getting bonier by the day. So it flame grills the majority of the planet’s surface and retreats to Jacinto Plateau, the only place with ground dense enough to stop the Locust drilling force where it lurks.

The problem: Even ignoring the fact that blitzing most of Sera's surfacewould be fairly self-defeating, killing or losing the loyalty of a huge proportion of the planet’s potential human fighting force while probably not even troubling the vast subterranean Locust horde, there’s a big problem here.

Putting all hope on Jacinto paints the entire species into one crowded corner, with a very naive assumption of safety, given that the Locust can travel overground and also fly. Humanity’s plan seems to consist of very little more than wiping out most of its people and resources and hoping that the Locust don’t notice its new status as a hugely under-equipped sitting duck. Definitely better not sink Jacinto in a poorly thought out last-ditch plan in the sequel then.



Long-time GR+ writer Dave has been gaming with immense dedication ever since he failed dismally at some '80s arcade racer on a childhood day at the seaside (due to being too small to reach the controls without help). These days he's an enigmatic blend of beard-stroking narrative discussion and hard-hitting Psycho Crushers.
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