The Royal Wedding: A Gamer's Guide

Not as completely not about games as you may think

The Royal Wedding is just two posh people you don't know getting married and has nothing at all to do with video games. Incredibly, that statement is only 50% correct. Of course it's implausible that any real people reading this could ever legally be acquainted with Prince William and Kate Middleton. That is an absurd notion. But their Royal Wedding does have many genuinely tenuous associations with video games.

For example, this historic holy matrimony has already inspired a free-to-play browser game called Royal Wedding: William and Kate. Here is the proof of that being actually real (click the picture to play the game):

Above: If you like games about posh people you don't know getting married, then you'll love this

If you thought Big Willy's Big Day had less to do with video games than the Queen Mum has to do with being alive... think again. So hold on to your best fancy hats and Union Jack bunting because you're about to embark on a royally definitive gamers guide to the Royal Wedding.

The engagement

The engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton was officially announced on 16 November 2010. This is the same day that Need for Speed Hot Pursuit was released in the US.

Above: The happy couple standing in front of an image from Need for Speed Hot Pursuit

The photographer commissioned to take the official engagement photographs was Mario Testino. Mario is also the name of a popular video game character who is infatuated with a needy princess.

The date

The Royal Wedding is taking place on the day of Friday April 29. This is the same date in history that Hitler married Eva Braun (April 29, 1945). Hitler was a Nazi that famously appeared as the final boss in historically important first-person shooter Wolfenstein 3D. Prince Harry (Prince William's brother and best man) accidentally dressed like a Nazi once.

Above: Hitler shot himself in a bunker. Prince Harry shot himself in the foot

Gamers should remember that April 29 is the day that Grand Theft Auto IV was released in 2008. Rockstar's popular crime game features a wedding between Roman Bellic and Mallorie Bardas. Somebody gets shot to death at their wedding.

GTA IV has a Metacritic score of 98 (PS3, 360). Metacritic currently has no plans to rate weddings. If it did, the Royal Wedding would probably score quite high. At least a 90 if the weather turns out nice.

The place

The Royal Wedding is being held in London, England. London is a famous city that can be found in a variety of video games, including Tomb Raider 3, Grand Theft Auto: London, The Getaway, Mass Effect 3 and Hellgate: London.

Above: Obviously it will look a lot less post-apocalyptic than this

Buckingham Palace - where the reception for the Royal Wedding will be held - can be found in both GTA: London and The Getaway. The Royal Family reside at Buckingham Palace when they need to go shopping for horses and crowns in London's fashionable West End.

Some areas of London are very similar to parts of Albion, as seen in Fable. Fable is an English RPG made by game designer Peter Molyneux. Peter Molyneux was awarded an OBE (Order of the British Empire) in 2004 and is a close personal friend of the Queen.

The bride

Kate Middleton was born in 1982, which is the year that the Commodore 64 and ZX Spectrum were released. Both Kate Middleton and the ZX Spectrum have been described as 'stylish'. The Commodore 64 was brown.

Above: Like Kate Middleton, the man behind the ZX Spectrum, Sir Clive Sinclair, is also an English

Kate Middleton's first name is actually Catherine. Catherine is also the title of an unusual Japanese adventure game about the relationship between a man called Vincent, a woman called Catherine and a woman called Katherine. Like the purpose of the royal family, Catherine the video game is pretty hard to explain.

The groom

Prince William is a gamer. William's mum, the deceased Lady Diana Princess of Wales, the People's Princess and Goodbye England's Rose, bought William and his brother video games as children. In 2008, Kate Middleton gave William a Wii for Christmas. Some people erroneously believe that this is where the phrase 'the Royal Wii' comes from.

As a pilot in the Royal Air Force, Prince William flies the Westland WS-61 Sea King search and rescue helicopter. This is one of only a few types of helicopter that does not appear in Call of Duty: Black Ops.

Above: What a Westland WS-61 Sea King helicopter might have looked like in Call of Duty: Black Ops

As his title suggests, Prince William is a prince. There are lots of video game characters that are also princes. These include: The Prince (Katamari Damacy), Prince of Persia (Prince of Persia), Prince Naseem (Prince Naseem Boxing) and Anthony 'Gay Tony' Prince (GTA IV: Ballad of Gay Tony).

The Father of the Groom

As Father of the Groom, it's likely that Prince Charles will make a speech at the Royal Wedding. In 2001, Prince Charles made a speech and said this: "One of the great battles we face today is to persuade our children away from the computer games towards what can only be described as worthwhile books."

Prince Charles has appeared in two video games. In 1987 he featured as a non-playable character in a game called Flunky, which was about a servant completing duties for the Royal Family. Later, in 1995, Prince Charles appeared as a hidden player in NBA Jam Tournament Edition.

Above: Prince Charles as he looks in real-life (left). And Prince Charles as he looks in the cassette-based computer game Flunky (right)

Another hidden player in NBA Jam Tournament Edition is Bill Clinton, former President of the United States. The current President of the United States, Barack Obama, has not been invited to the Royal Wedding.

The Queen

The Queen (aka Elizabeth II) is Prince William's gran. Like the Prince, there are also lots of video game characters that are queens, such as: Queen Slug-For-A-Butt (Earthworm Jim), Queen Myrrah (Gears of War), Queen Bean (Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga) and Lightning McQueen (Cars: The Video Game).

The Queen's favourite hobbies include shooting guns and riding horses. This is very similar to most of what happens in Rockstar's Red Dead Redemption.

Above: In many ways, the Queen is a lot like Red Dead Redemption's John Marston

In 2009 the Queen was given a gold-plated Wii by publisher THQ to promote its Big Family Games game. Because the Queen has a big family.

There is a version of Sony's popular competitive karaoke game called SingStar Queen. It features songs by Queen the rock band and not the actual Queen.

So now you know that the Royal Wedding is much more about video games than you could ever possibly have imagined, do you give enough of a shit to stop playing video games and watch it on TV? Here's a handy flow chart to help:

April 28, 2011

Royally screwed up

Who says games can't deliver great love stories?


I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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