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The Royal Wedding: A Gamer's Guide

The Royal Wedding is just two posh people you don't know getting married and has nothing at all to do with video games. Incredibly, that statement is only 50% correct. Of course it's implausible that any real people reading this could ever legally be acquainted with Prince William and Kate Middleton. That is an absurd notion. But their Royal Wedding does have many genuinely tenuous associations with video games.

For example, this historic holy matrimony has already inspired a free-to-play browser game called Royal Wedding: William and Kate. Here is the proof of that being actually real (click the picture to play the game):


Above: If you like games about posh people you don't know getting married, then you'll love this

If you thought Big Willy's Big Day had less to do with video games than the Queen Mum has to do with being alive... think again. So hold on to your best fancy hats and Union Jack bunting because you're about to embark on a royally definitive gamers guide to the Royal Wedding.


The engagement

The engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton was officially announced on 16 November 2010. This is the same day that Need for Speed Hot Pursuit was released in the US.


Above: The happy couple standing in front of an image from Need for Speed Hot Pursuit

The photographer commissioned to take the official engagement photographs was Mario Testino. Mario is also the name of a popular video game character who is infatuated with a needy princess.


The date

The Royal Wedding is taking place on the day of Friday April 29. This is the same date in history that Hitler married Eva Braun (April 29, 1945). Hitler was a Nazi that famously appeared as the final boss in historically important first-person shooter Wolfenstein 3D. Prince Harry (Prince William's brother and best man) accidentally dressed like a Nazi once.


Above: Hitler shot himself in a bunker. Prince Harry shot himself in the foot

Gamers should remember that April 29 is the day that Grand Theft Auto IV was released in 2008. Rockstar's popular crime game features a wedding between Roman Bellic and Mallorie Bardas. Somebody gets shot to death at their wedding.

GTA IV has a Metacritic score of 98 (PS3, 360). Metacritic currently has no plans to rate weddings. If it did, the Royal Wedding would probably score quite high. At least a 90 if the weather turns out nice.


The place

The Royal Wedding is being held in London, England. London is a famous city that can be found in a variety of video games, including Tomb Raider 3, Grand Theft Auto: London, The Getaway, Mass Effect 3 and Hellgate: London.


Above: Obviously it will look a lot less post-apocalyptic than this

Buckingham Palace - where the reception for the Royal Wedding will be held - can be found in both GTA: London and The Getaway. The Royal Family reside at Buckingham Palace when they need to go shopping for horses and crowns in London's fashionable West End.

Some areas of London are very similar to parts of Albion, as seen in Fable. Fable is an English RPG made by game designer Peter Molyneux. Peter Molyneux was awarded an OBE (Order of the British Empire) in 2004 and is a close personal friend of the Queen.


The bride

Kate Middleton was born in 1982, which is the year that the Commodore 64 and ZX Spectrum were released. Both Kate Middleton and the ZX Spectrum have been described as 'stylish'. The Commodore 64 was brown.


Above: Like Kate Middleton, the man behind the ZX Spectrum, Sir Clive Sinclair, is also an English

Kate Middleton's first name is actually Catherine. Catherine is also the title of an unusual Japanese adventure game about the relationship between a man called Vincent, a woman called Catherine and a woman called Katherine. Like the purpose of the royal family, Catherine the video game is pretty hard to explain.


The groom

Prince William is a gamer. William's mum, the deceased Lady Diana Princess of Wales, the People's Princess and Goodbye England's Rose, bought William and his brother video games as children. In 2008, Kate Middleton gave William a Wii for Christmas. Some people erroneously believe that this is where the phrase 'the Royal Wii' comes from.

As a pilot in the Royal Air Force, Prince William flies the Westland WS-61 Sea King search and rescue helicopter. This is one of only a few types of helicopter that does not appear in Call of Duty: Black Ops.


Above: What a Westland WS-61 Sea King helicopter might have looked like in Call of Duty: Black Ops 

As his title suggests, Prince William is a prince. There are lots of video game characters that are also princes. These include: The Prince (Katamari Damacy), Prince of Persia (Prince of Persia), Prince Naseem (Prince Naseem Boxing) and Anthony 'Gay Tony' Prince (GTA IV: Ballad of Gay Tony).


The Father of the Groom

As Father of the Groom, it's likely that Prince Charles will make a speech at the Royal Wedding. In 2001, Prince Charles made a speech and said this: "One of the great battles we face today is to persuade our children away from the computer games towards what can only be described as worthwhile books."

Prince Charles has appeared in two video games. In 1987 he featured as a non-playable character in a game called Flunky, which was about a servant completing duties for the Royal Family. Later, in 1995, Prince Charles appeared as a hidden player in NBA Jam Tournament Edition.


Above: Prince Charles as he looks in real-life (left). And Prince Charles as he looks in the cassette-based computer game Flunky (right)

Another hidden player in NBA Jam Tournament Edition is Bill Clinton, former President of the United States. The current President of the United States, Barack Obama, has not been invited to the Royal Wedding.


The Queen

The Queen (aka Elizabeth II) is Prince William's gran. Like the Prince, there are also lots of video game characters that are queens, such as: Queen Slug-For-A-Butt (Earthworm Jim), Queen Myrrah (Gears of War), Queen Bean (Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga) and Lightning McQueen (Cars: The Video Game).

The Queen's favourite hobbies include shooting guns and riding horses. This is very similar to most of what happens in Rockstar's Red Dead Redemption.


Above: In many ways, the Queen is a lot like Red Dead Redemption's John Marston 

In 2009 the Queen was given a gold-plated Wii by publisher THQ to promote its Big Family Games game. Because the Queen has a big family.

There is a version of Sony's popular competitive karaoke game called SingStar Queen. It features songs by Queen the rock band and not the actual Queen.

So now you know that the Royal Wedding is much more about video games than you could ever possibly have imagined, do you give enough of a shit to stop playing video games and watch it on TV? Here's a handy flow chart to help:

April 28, 2011

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49 comments

  • Jasman - April 30, 2011 8:26 p.m.

    'Gold-plated wii'? You're tellin' porky pies Cundy! ;)
  • Thedigitalg - April 30, 2011 7:21 a.m.

    Yes, the queen still has mad powers but if she ever tried using them the government would change the laws so she couldn't. Her position is technically powerful but in reality she has no power, if that makes sense. Also, any Brits who call Harry and Will spongers are idiots, Will has a day job saving lives on a lifeboat, and Harry is in the army, even secretly going to Afghanistan to fight until the idiot tabloids outed him. Also, the Queen helps charities, and I don't even need to go into what their mother Princess Diana did, because as the whole world knows she was pretty much a saint. ALSO, no one gives a shit? Well, over 2 billion who watched the wedding will disagree. /informing
  • killorabbit - April 29, 2011 10:26 p.m.

    Royal Family > Parliament Long live the Queen. May she have a long life and an admirable K/D spread.
  • jackthemenace - April 29, 2011 11:38 a.m.

    Thank god for the flow chart, or else I would've actually had to WATCH the royal wedding. Y'know the best part about this article? It reminded me that the sinclair C5 ACTUALLY EXISTS.
  • CitizenWolfie - April 29, 2011 10:36 a.m.

    It would be better if Prince William was marrying Princess What's-Her-Name instead of a bally commoner! *snort!*
  • fatguy19 - April 29, 2011 10:12 a.m.

    @silvereye firstly I can assure that the queend does have the right to dissolve parliemannt. The fact that she probably wont is irrelevent as she can. I understand that the role of the queen is mostly symbolic, but she is symbolic of an archaic system abd one that is anti demecratic. In regard to your question I am British
  • NEPAL - April 29, 2011 5:35 a.m.

    Reminds me of a time when my country had a king!
  • Bluefox - April 29, 2011 1:29 a.m.

    That was hilarious, well done!
  • therawski - April 28, 2011 11:05 p.m.

    Should I try in general anymore?
  • BillCosby - April 28, 2011 10:25 p.m.

    I will be their with pudding.
  • silvereye - April 28, 2011 10:11 p.m.

    @fatguy19 First off, if the queen has the power to disolve parliament, (myself not sure), it won't happen. Trust me, its all tradition now, this was back when the royals still had power over the country, but now, it just wont happen. Also, you are right about the house of lords, however only some are through divine right, others are picked due to their various skills etc. Obviously its far from perfect, and many want to see an end to the house of lords, but the government has been running for centuries now, so hopefully change will come eventually. Also, Im not sure how your political process works exactly, but I doubt every part of your process is 100% democratic as well, but like I say, I would have no clue, that would just a presumption
  • Yeager1122 - April 28, 2011 9:51 p.m.

    I dont really care about this wedding probalby because im not british but this article was hilariuos great job.
  • D0CCON - April 28, 2011 9:23 p.m.

    That flowchart just told me to keep playing videogames. I like that flowchart. (and Queen Marston ftw)
  • EdDeRs1 - April 28, 2011 8:46 p.m.

    oh god not here as well? its everywere, even in the WWE for gruds sake, but the flowchart was useful, do i give a shit? answer NOOOOOOOOO! back to getting my arse handed to me online :)
  • Stridefizzel - April 28, 2011 7 p.m.

    Ahaha funny
  • fatguy19 - April 28, 2011 6:31 p.m.

    @therawski The queen also has the right to dissolve Parliament which I Think is wrong. Whether the queen bieng head of state is symbolic is irrelevent. She still represents the nation and does this through devine birth right. In regard to Parliamrnt you may be aware that Britian has two houses, The house of commons and the house of lords. The house of commons is democritcally elected but the house of lords which has to ok any decisions made in the house of commons is comprised of lords have have their positions either again due to devine birthright or through buying peerships. This effectively means that is it possible for a group of devine peers to veto any decisions by a demicratically elected government and in the modern world this is tottaly wrong.
  • Darth_Griffin - April 28, 2011 6:12 p.m.

    as one of the Commonwealth countries, I'm kind of half bound with some percentage of patriotism to care about this. On the other hand, them Ruskis won't throw themselves off cliff edges
  • MCN2011 - April 28, 2011 5:48 p.m.

    Very funny article. Some of the captions were simply inspired. Especially the Harry/Hitler one.
  • needles - April 28, 2011 5:33 p.m.

    This wedding does not interest me. they can all suck goat balls.
  • Clovin64 - April 28, 2011 5:20 p.m.

    The Royal Wedding takes place in London. London appears in the Mass Effect 3 trailer. Mass Effect 3 is the sequel to Mass Effect 2. Therefore, to honour this marriage I don't give a f***k about, I will play Mass Effect 2 all day tomorrow instead of watching two posh people tie the knot on TV.

Showing 1-20 of 49 comments

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