Google+

The most superior superior races

Don’t get too comfortable, puny human. You may be perched high on your planet’s food chain right now, but it won’t last forever.  There are plenty of races waiting for their chance to assimilate you into their culture, usually by killing you. Whether they’re in deep-space hibernation, hiding under the surface of your world, supposedly “extinct” or latently waiting on the internet, it’s only a matter of time before a superior form of life makes you its bitch.

But with so many sources of imminent demise, which one should you worry about the most? Well, you could try doing literally hours of research and science, but something will probably enslave or kill you before you finish. That’s why we’ve compiled an irrefutably accurate list of the races, creatures and things most likely to make a grab for humanity’s “Most Superior Race” championship belt.

Evidence and source material: Turok

Why they’re superior: Dinosaurs are, like, 100-feet-tall and weigh as much as the monster truck that turns into a dinosaur. They’re also invulnerable to bullets.

 

The downside: They’re going to eat us.

Will they replace us? Dinosaurs are the only species on the list that were, at one time, the actual dominant species on our planet.  They had a nice run from several hundred million years ago, beginning in the Triassic period and coasting right through the Cretaceous period, about 65 million years ago, when they suffered a global mass-extinction. That gives them several hundred million years during which they were the most powerful race and we were just a couple amoeba in their primordial bath water.

It was only after dinos were wiped out (possibly by one of the other races on our list) that the age of mammals began, and human beings took their tremulous position as Earth’s number-one superior race… for now!


Above: The end of the Cretaceous period marked the beginning of the age of mammals 

Don’t make the common mistake of thinking the ruling reptiles are down for the count because of something as insignificant as “mass extinction.” Although our planet’s dinos are gone (with the exception of small subterranean pockets of T-Rexes hidden near the center of the Earth) Turok has shown us that space dinosaurs are still alive, thriving and mega-pissed-off. It’s only a matter of time before dinosaurs and men once again clash in the Ultimate Battle for Earth: Part 2, to finally decide who has the strength and indomitable will to rule Earth once and for all. That is, unless one of the other races doesn’t subjugate us all first.


Above: We do not know what weapons World War III will be fought with, but Ultimate Battle for Earth: Part 2 will be fought with knives and dinosaur teeth 

 

Evidence and source material: Portal

Why they’re superior: While they’re not technically living and, even if they were, they’re more a single being than a “race,” we count them because of all the games we’ve played where a supercomputer has tried to replace humans. You’ll thank us when you’re prepared for the takeover.
Supercomputers take our unreliable human emotions and replace them with squeaky-clean logic and encyclopedic knowledge of the multiplication tables. They also don’t have weak fleshy bodies; instead, they exist as sentient lines of code and upgradable pieces of hardware with no expiration date.

 

The downside: Frequently, their cold logic and disassociation from physical form cause these self-aware sociopaths to see exterminating the human race as a good thing. Or, instead of genocide, they might chose to use their super-brains to put a stop to illegal MP3 piracy. Either way, it’s bad.


Above: One way or another, we will no longer be able to download this [Pirates arr bad – Ed. Note]

Will they replace us? The only computers smart enough to become self-aware and destroy us are located in the secret vaults of private organizations only really, really rich people know about. As games journalists, we don’t know all the details of those vaults.

Instead, we’ve gleaned from games like Portal that when the sentient software goes sour and starts psychological experimentation and widespread slaughter, the still-living scientists and technicians will quickly evacuate the facilities. The ones who make it to safety will, of course, be under non-disclosure agreements and unable to reveal the looming threat to the appropriate authorities. This will leave one or two captives (held for testing) and a handful of experimental weapons (left haphazardly lying around the top-secret labs) as the last line of defense keeping the artificial overlord from taking over everything.


Above: If you find yourself in one of these, it’s your job to save humanity

So far, this failsafe system has worked out fine for humans.

86 comments

  • animeaddictoid - April 1, 2010 1:14 a.m.

    Zerg FTW, We will rule! Hail Kerrigan
  • unclemitso - March 29, 2010 5:40 a.m.

    Greeks? God of war Age of Empires/Mythology Spartan total warrior 300
  • BareAssGodzilla - March 12, 2010 10:05 a.m.

    "Above: The Nazis’ most powerful weapon" ? really? Mel Gibsons head in a jar ontop of a robot is their most powerfull weapon? ok wut ev
  • Crimson_xWolfx - February 20, 2010 10:23 p.m.

    This list is pretty pathetic man, I mean seriously? These are insignificant compared to The Tyranid, and some perhaps not but you can't forget some like the Chimera. Seriously though, WTF? Tyranid > Everything On That List.
  • hagapluza - May 10, 2009 2:55 a.m.

    One word: The Zerg WILL asimulate us. :)
  • Pool - May 9, 2009 4:25 p.m.

    This is the best thing I've seen on the internet all month.
  • Satanshadow94 - May 7, 2009 7:28 a.m.

    Ok once again you didn't do your resurch on the gears the danm intro movie because the obviosly the underground tunnels were big enough to escape through and the locust that didn't got emulsion poisening(Like Derral the ridable brumak) so pay attention to more than RPG's I can and I'm 14 and play SH!T loads of both
  • Darkdraak21 - February 27, 2009 10:32 p.m.

    Oh what no Covenant? If you mentioned the flood in this one then next ones gotta be the Covenant if they lost on the ground they pull back into orbit and "glass" the planet which means burn it to a crisp.
  • Anonymous93 - February 14, 2009 12:11 p.m.

    Where Are The Pinats From Viva Pinata?
  • bearfarmer - February 10, 2009 3:59 p.m.

    is that an earlier form of francis in the left 4 dead pic?(with hair?)
  • Kaz993 - February 9, 2009 3:49 a.m.

    awesome article.
  • shadowdude - February 8, 2009 11:53 p.m.

    you kno what reapers remind me of ? lavos from chrono trigger the lesser one looks like a man-o-war lol
  • trungie - February 8, 2009 11:26 a.m.

    And how can i forget... 7. Xenomorphs 8. Preditors / Yautja
  • trungie - February 8, 2009 11:09 a.m.

    Joined GR to say.. HOW CAN U LEAVE OUT?: 1. The Borg - Star trek 2. Species 8472 - Star trek 3. The Wraith - Stargate Atlantis 4. The Cylons - Battlestar Galactica 5. The Jem'Hadar - Star trek And i gotta say this... 6. CHUCK NORRIS??????? (jk) lol
  • xmido - February 8, 2009 4:40 a.m.

    in gears of war, the humans are the invaders.
  • georgeguy - February 8, 2009 12:55 a.m.

    funniest thing ive seen for a long while
  • noobeater - February 7, 2009 11:08 p.m.

    must be a part 2 this article is perhaps the best iv seen on here if not part 2 then a look at which of these would win in a big showdown
  • T-Bone95 - February 7, 2009 10:13 p.m.

    Needs to have a part 2. Now, what about the Necromorphs?
  • PabloEsc1337 - February 7, 2009 7:01 p.m.

    No Protoss? I mean, ya, they're passive... but you piss em off, you get your ass beat!
  • thejadefalcon - February 7, 2009 12:31 p.m.

    You got the Reapers wrong. The Cycle's been going on for at least a couple of billion years. There's one planet description that mentions a 'Great Rift' or something caused by a glancing blow by a mass effect round of 'unimagininable power'. Which means that we're probably going to lose in Mass Effect 3.

Showing 1-20 of 86 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000

OR…

Connect with Facebook

Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.