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The Big Hit review

Five good reasons why The Big Hit deserves to be remembered as one of the worst films of the decade:

1. MARK WAHLBERG: With his whining neutered voice clashing with his six-pack stomach and bulging chest, Wahlberg is tolerable only when he's demonstrating his athletic prowess. Look past the fighting and running and you'll find a limp-dick performance that suggests Boogie Nights was a one-off career blip (see also: Ray Liotta in GoodFellas).

2. IT RUINS A GOOD PREMISE: It's a good idea to give an assassin a personal life - - Pulp Fiction and Grosse Pointe Blank proved that. So there's nothing wrong with the idea that super-hard hitman Mark Wahlberg is suffering from ulcers while trying to juggle his girlfriend's and fiancée's expensive demands. We can but hope that the original script was butchered by over-zealous, Frankenstein-like producers. Otherwise, weep bitter tears at Hollywood's poor judgement.

3. WOMEN AIN'T NUTHIN' BUT BITCHES AND HOS: Wahlberg's girlfriend is a money-grabbing, two-timing bitch who's siphoning off all his cash so she can run away with her other boyfriend. Wahlberg's betrothed is a prick-teasing, prissy Jewish-princess shrew with a fat, racist, overbearing mother. And Wahlberg's Japanese schoolgirl kidnap victim - - the love interest - - is a manipulative jail-bait vixen who gets genuine sexual excitement out of being tied up and having a man pull down her panties so she can urinate. Every woman in this movie is either a curvaceous sperm receptacle or a total bitch. Frequently both.

4. LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS: He manages to make his performance in Renegades look as commanding and awe-inspiring as Daniel Day-Lewis' in My Left Foot. But hey, nice pecs. He clearly spent the rehearsal time working out.

5. RACIAL STEREOTYPES: The Hispanic guy is stupid, style-obsessed and has a golden tooth. The Japanese guy tries to commit hara-kiri when his business fails. The black woman is domineering and pussy-whips her men. The Japanese girl is a disturbingly mangaesque sexy schoolgirl. And the Jewish mother harangues her husband and despises all goyim.

The Big Hit is a vacuous and hatefully bland film. Never see it. Ever.

This tries so hard to be a Hong Kong action movie it hurts. There isn't a single one-liner or action scene that works. Wahlberg is dull, Phillips irritating and the 'humour' is downright offensive. Want to see a film where every joke fails miserably? Here's one.

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