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The 16 most awesomely bad videogame movie moments

Movies based on videogames, to make a blanket generalization, are effing terrible. It’s no secret that Hollywood thinks of gamers as a massive collective of emotionally stunted mouth-breathers who’ll pay to watch anything with guns, and that the films it produces reflect that attitude. For years we’ve ranted and railed against awful crap like Super Mario Bros. and Alone in the Dark, but our protestations have done nothing to stem the tide of cinematic diarrhea.


Fun fact: Bob Hoskins didn’t even know he was in a videogame movie until his daughter told him 

Friends, it’s time to stop the hate. Game movies aren’t getting much better and they aren’t going away. Instead of ripping on them for ruining beloved franchises and feeding the notion that we’re idiots, maybe we should try embracing them for the hilariously awful trash they are. To help you along, we’ve pulled together the most over-the-top, entertainingly terrrible moments we could find from 16 mostly awful game movies. Go ahead and laugh. Give in to the horror.

Also: SPOILERS AHEAD. Assuming you even care.


As crappy videogame movies go, DOA: Dead or Alive is probably one of the better ones. It’s an entertainingly dumb king-fu comedy with a few decent performances, and compared to most of the other films on this list, that’s actually pretty good. Plus, it’s got Eric Roberts playing a villain whose evil doomsday weapon is a pair of sunglasses that predicts his opponent’s moves in one-on-one martial arts fights.

We’re not sure what nefarious purpose these could possibly serve, unless it’s rigging UFC matches. But whatever. It’s probably a threat to world peace somehow.

DOA’s most ridiculous moment, however, comes right at the beginning, when we’re introduced to Princess Kasumi (Devon Aoki), who’s begged by Ryu Hayabusa (Kane Kosugi) not to leave her clan’s enormous ninja mountaintop ninja castle.


Above: “Look, I’ve got better things to do than stand around in a lavish tribute to the films of Zhang Yimou, OK?” 

Storming out past the dozens of guards who do nothing but stand around all day in her courtyard wearing period armor, Kasumi is threatened by her friend, White Girl Who is Somehow Also Japanese (Natassia Malthe).


Above: SO JAPANESE 

And then this happens:

And this:

And then this:


Above: OK, sure 

Look, it’ll make more sense if you just watch it:

 



Another surprisingly tolerable game adaptation, the Hitman movie told the story of Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant) and his attempt to escape both his own turncoat assassination syndicate and the sexual advances of Olga Kurylenko (Olga Kurylenko).


Above: NO MEANS NO, LADY 

 For the most part it’s a fairly straightforward action-thriller, but things start to get stupid when 47 runs into three of his fellow bald, bioengineered assassins, at which point a four-way Mexican standoff erupts for no reason other than that it looks cool.


Above: Wait, why are they drawing down on the other guy? 

47 suggests that everyone in the group try “dying with a little dignity,” at which point the other agents nod and everyone empties their guns.

And then we find out that “dying with a little dignity” means having a sharp hunk of metal jammed through your torso.


Above: DIGNITY! 

Here’s the whole ridiculous spectacle in motion:



Essentially just a really lame, teen-centric version of Top Gun in space, Wing Commander dished up an unpalatable mashup of the series’ various mythological elements and recast Lt. Christopher “Maverick” Blair as bland, lifeless Freddie Prinze Jr. Also, this is what the tiger-like Kilrathi aliens look like in the movie:


Above: Yes, they’re that hard to see, mainly because of the “toxic gas” that is used to “cover up shitty special effects”

Probably the silliest moment in the movie is an over-dramatic jump to lightspeed, which contains what may be the worst-ever use of the circular bullet-time camera effect made famous by The Matrix. It also tells you everything you need to know about its main characters, Maverick and Maniac (Matthew Lillard):


Above: Maniac acts like a damn monkey all the time 


Above: Maverick stands around and is boring 

Here, just watch the damn thing already:

 

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77 comments

  • michaelmcc827 - April 29, 2009 9:04 p.m.

    Why does this feature look strangely familiar... Oh well, I lol'd at the wing commander clip, great article1
  • lava_lamp - April 29, 2009 9:30 p.m.

    did mario say "trust the fungus." at the end?
  • Cyberninja - April 29, 2009 9:40 p.m.

    this really interesting Recap; scapa bacame... what exatly
  • garnsr - April 29, 2009 9:41 p.m.

    Kasumi, Shinobi Ninja Princess? Don't you only need either shinobi or ninja? And how can you be a princess of them? King ninja's daughter?
  • Jacob816 - April 29, 2009 10:26 p.m.

    ROFL I'm only on the first page and already I'm laughing my guts out. Can't wait to see the hilarity on the next 3 pages.
  • Unoriginal - April 29, 2009 10:29 p.m.

    "Guile, have you lost your mind?" "No, you've lost your balls!" Made my week.
  • FrozenImplosion - April 29, 2009 10:39 p.m.

    i actually really liked the resident evil movies...
  • Ban - April 29, 2009 11:05 p.m.

    only reebok could add a shameless plug in a nintendo movie next will be the adidas level in mega-man 9
  • Ban - April 29, 2009 11:07 p.m.

    and thanks for the article Mikel
  • JoeMasturbaby - April 29, 2009 11:24 p.m.

    double dragon is amazingly bad. "will you stop it, you'll make us look like the 'Double Dorks'."
  • kamikaz3e124 - April 29, 2009 11:27 p.m.

    Im sorry; did I just hear Mario say "trust the fungus" and for no logical reason threw it at a spiky-haired man that passes off as a koopa?! OMG WUT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO
  • jar-head - April 29, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    alot of people dont believe this, or deny it, but Adrenalin, that stuff your heart pumps out, if your mind is set and Focused, you can lower and rise your body temperature by 20 degrees! People are known to lift F*kin Cars for people trapped underneath it. You, if your strong enough, mentally, can sustain multiple impact wounds to the body, and still keep on fighting, soldiers have been stabbed in one case, over 70 times! And not have bleed to death. Adrenaline Makes a soldier super, if your heart is strong enough, and your Focus, Set.
  • rorschachqp - April 29, 2009 11:52 p.m.

    zombie dog face kick ftw
  • RebornKusabi - April 30, 2009 12:56 a.m.

    I have noticed that Silent Hill wasn't here, does that mean that you guys liked it? I loved it, in fact as far as VIDEO GAME MOVIES are concerned, it is what I consider one of the best out there. Also, Silent Hill looks really good on Blu-Ray.
  • TheCrimsonChin - April 30, 2009 1:05 a.m.

    wow, thats all the boll clips i'll ever need
  • bob8914 - April 30, 2009 1:23 a.m.

    For Mikel Reparaz the day this article went live was the most important day of his life, but for me it was wednesday.
  • CNnegative1 - April 30, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    The house of the dead sequence allways makes me laugh. Without seeing the movie it makes me wonder... Did the asian chick bring an american flag spandex/latex suit to a rave?
  • chrisda - April 30, 2009 1:47 a.m.

    No, no, you just had to mention postal! That scene pretty much scarred me!
  • Englishman931 - April 30, 2009 1:54 a.m.

    Only about 4 of the vids worked for me. Technoshart strikes again?
  • Romination - April 30, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    I'm in the last school of thought about Postal I think the whole thing's pretty funny, and the children massacre was just icing. @jar-head ...what?

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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