Player One hams it up like a young Laurence Olivier, performing one of those twirly, ever-so-slightly camp, and completely bloodless death scenes from the 1950s.
Player One requests one of the lesser-known System of a Down tracks, but the bone-idle DJ just plays this instead. Player Two is really more of an indie guy and so decides to implode his own skull rather than listen to it.
Player One treats Player Two to an all-expenses spa day, before drowning him in the Jacuzzi.
Player One invites Player Two to "Get over here". Player Two declines, saying he has homework, but Zack Chadly totally sees him at the mall later that day!
Player One's dungeon spike dealer said he'd have the stuff sorted by Tuesday, and today's Thursday! Uppercutting your enemies to their deaths just isn't the same without a little shish kebab action at the bottom.
Player One attempts to disembowel Player Two with a wheel of cheese and squeaky toy hammer.
Player One confronts Player Two about his unpaid gas and electricity bills. Player Two assures Player One that he'll have the money for him by next Friday, but Player One knows that game. It's the same old bullshit he tried to pull last week. Player One asks Player Two if he enjoyed utilising all that free power, then proceeds to pump him full of premium-rate gas and electricity.
"Then have all the power you can handle!", he screams, laughing maniacally
Taking a page out of the Covenant's book, Player One 'glasses' their opponent with superhot plasma, then uses their newly-reflective remains to check themselves out. Blue Steel, baby!
Player One just shuffles around awkwardly, failing to meet the gaze of his much cooler opponent. Then he goes home.
Player One dazzles the opponent with all manner of amazing tricks - simultaneously solving a Rubik's cube, preparing the perfect cappuccino, and writing an Oscar-worthy screenplay - all whilst playing the piano, trumpet and xylophone at the same time. Player Two exits the stage to consider how utterly shit he is in comparison.