Star Wars The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels

When Nintendo first revealed the Wii’s motion-sensitive controller, every single male in the audience (do not argue with us on this. It’s not an exaggeration; it’s a proven scientific fact) turned to the guy next to him and whispered excitedly, “Lightsaber game!” Every single male in the audience then responded, “Dude, I just said that!” And one hopeless ubernerd named Arnold Kalinsky followed with “Jinx! You owe me a Coke” and was summarily beaten to death with his own uvula because really, what other choice did the mob have after a statement like that? True Story.

The point is: everyone wants a kick-ass lightsaber game. Everyone. But the wait must continue because Star Wars The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels is absolutely, indisputably, unquestionably, without a doubt not that game. It has Star Wars. It has lightsabers. It does not have kick-ass. At all.

Lightsaber Duels simply has too many problems. It starts off with the most promising premise ever, but turns the wrong direction every single time it hits a T in the road and has to make a decision. It’s like that beautiful-but-snarky babe in every horror movie who takes off to have hot sex with her boyfriend but then gets up for a glass of water, somehow gets lost on her way to the next room, and ends up hanging naked from a tree ten miles away with a tire iron jammed through her neck.

For example, let’s look at the camera and controls. Swinging the remote up, down, left and right makes the lightsaber go in the same directions, and a forward thrust is indeed a stabbing motion. But for a more powerful force-fueled attack, you hold Z – located on the nunchuk, not the remote – and swing as normal. Things are starting to get silly, aren’t they?