Spurious Awards

It's time to hand out our weekly daftly-monickered gongs. Who'll be the winners this time?

CUTESIEST HAN SOLO UPGRADE OF THE WEEK
Heard of a guy called Sillof? His hobby is making custom action figures. We loved his take on what Star Wars figures would've looked like if the film had been directed by Akira Kurosawa , and his latest project involves mashing up characters from Star Wars and various Pixar films. Check out his designs (which he plans to turn into figures) here

TIMEY-WIMEY DANGLY-WANGLY BITS OF THE WEEK
This week former Doctor Christopher Eccleston returned to our screens in BBC Four's Lennon Naked , a rivetting drama about the former Beatle (now viewable on the BBC's IPlayer ). It received all kinds of critical plaudits, but we know what you lot are thinking (even if you won't admit it): what does Doctor Who's cock look like? (Okay, so 5% of you may be more preoccupied with Tosh-from- Torchwood 's merkin) Well, like this . If you want true terror then forget the Weeping Angels - watch the bit where a naked Eccles suddenly dashes towards the camera (about 49.26 in), with his undercarriage wobbling about (shudder).

GRUESOME CONVENTION-BASED HORROR OF THE WEEK
No, this isn't a reminder to bring some disinfectant spray with you to Pontin's in February, but a reference to the latest book from Quirk Press, publishers of the likes of Pride And Prejudice And Zombies . Thankfully, it's not yet another amusing-for-five-minutes mash-up (we're heartily sick of those - sorry Quirk!), but a tale of a zombie outbreak at a Star Trek convention - brilliant idea! If Night Of The Living Trekkies is half as good as the cover on the right, it'll be splendid. Release stardate: er, September.

MOST UNEXPECTED WILLIAM HARTNELL NAMECHECK OF THE WEEK
Further evidence of the increasingly surreal extent to which Doctor Who has made the zeitgeist its bitch comes in "Exterminate" , a track which sees Birmingham rapper Lady Leshurr letting loose her lyrical flow over the Peter Davison-era version of the Who theme tune - even mentioning the actor who played the first Doctor at one point. Yes, that's right, this woman knows who William Hartnell is . The world's gone frickin' mental.

COPYRIGHT-DODGING IPHONE APP OF THE WEEK
Speaking of extermination, word reaches SFX Towers of an impending goodie for the iPhone/iTouch/iPad, which we suspect a lot of you will be wanting to download once it's been approved for the App Store. Cunningly avoiding trademarked terms (take that, Terry Nation's lawyers!), iExterminate! is a Ring Modulator app which employs all sorts of audio boffinry (which to be honest, we don't really understand) to replicate the process used to transform actors' voices into those distinctive grating tones. It'll be available for 59p (bargain!), at least 10% of which will go to the Alzheimer's Association Of Great Britain. Something tells us that our voicemail messages are going to sound very different in a few weeks' time...

MOST CREATIVE USE OF BOOT POLISH AND TIPP-EX OF THE WEEK
Goes to The Dungeon Masters , a Trekkies -style documentary about three eccentric Dungeons & Dragons aficionados, due for release on region one DVD on 3 August . Watch the trailer and you'll see why...

“JUST SHOOT HIM, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” MOMENT OF THE WEEK
Last week's Doctor Who was all kinds of awesome, but it did leave us scratching our heads at one or two points. Wouldn't it be a bit safer (and easier), once you've got the Doctor in your clutches to just... y'know, exterminate the bugger? We know that the Daleks are traditionally as shy of zapping the Doctor as Bond villains are of popping a couple of caps in 007's cranium, but it did rather beggar belief. Come to think of it, why didn't one of those thousands of spaceships lay down a few megatons of explosive death on Stonehenge whilst he was speechifying on that rock?

SCARIEST DISTORTO-FACED BLUBBING OF THE WEEK
At the dramatic climax of this week's season-concluding episode of V (well, this week's if you're watching on SyFy in the UK, anyhow), ruthless lizard-lady Anna practically goes mental with grief after discovering that all the soldier eggs she laid have been fried by the resistance (mmmm, fried egg). Actress Morena Baccarin's crying face is so rubberised that we fleetingly wondered if they'd used CGI, then started to get worried that her teeth might fall out, or she might accidentallyblow a lump of brain out of one nostril. Bet her boyfriend backs down every time an argument's brewing, eh?

ACTOR RE-EVALUATION OF THE WEEK
Speaking of blubbing, credit is due for the glycerin-free guest appearance on Chuck by former watery-eyed Smallville starlet Kristen Kreuk. After spending years on the Supershow exhibiting about as much character as a soggy box of Kleenex, she turns up on the spy show full of spunk, charm and severe foxiness… and she’s not even playing a kick-ass role. Maybe it's just in comparison to Limp Lana that she just comes across so well.