Now we've turned our attention to Blur, fresh from their Glastonbury triumph, as they prepare to bring Britpop back to Hyde Park.
And if there are any studio executives in the audience tonight, making notes, we claim copyright on the following pitches...
Country House (1995)
Blur's first number-one single. It's rumoured to be about a legendary record executive Damon took a disliking to, but is probably more well known for being the song that put Blur and Oasis on the News At Ten.
The movie will ignore all that.
A sweeping costume drama, following the lives and loves of a group of aristocrats who live in a house, a very big house. In the country.
The central character, Raff, is an Oscar Wilde style wit, who spends all day elaborately insulting his friends.
But despite his confident exterior, Raff is lonely, and longs for companionship.
Stephen Fry as Raff, David Mitchell as Thomas, a young Lord who idolises Raff, but will never, ever be as good as him, no matter how hard he tries.
Raff: “I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it.”
Inspired by Damon Albarn's slowly-declining love affair with Justine Frischmann (a relationship that formed the spine of Blur ballards throughout the band's career)
To The End
is an epic romance of a song, perfect for a movie pitch.
This exciting French New Wave flick follows a couple of adolescent criminals, Jean-Louis and Christophe, who are on the run from the adults who don’t understand them.
But when the boys bump into teenage temptress Liina on their travels, they both fall in love with her, and their friendship starts to fall apart… leading to an emotional and bloody conclusion.
Only the hottest Gallic talent for this one - Laura Neiva as Liina, Cauã Reymond as Jean-Louis and Robert Pattinson in a beret as Christoph. We’ve got to get bums on seats somehow.
Christoph: “What happened to us? Soon it will be gone forever!”
Damon Albarn has said the
is a paedophile trying to go straight. We'll take him at his word, and give the subject the Hollywood treatment...
When gruesome paedophile Barry Skaargle is murdered and dumped in a swamp by his victims, they think they’re safe…
But when the teenagers start dying one-by-one in insect-related deaths (burnt by a massive magnifying glass, arms pulled off like wings, crushed into paste by huge newspapers), they realise that Skaaargle has returned from the dead. As the Bugman!
Hayden Panettiere is the biggest star in this thing.
The Bugman starts advancing on Jake, muttering under his rancid breath.
Bugman: “I am an ex offender. They let me out in the summer.”
Jake’s girlfriend Karly spots the creature looming up behind Jake, cockroaches and worms falling from his body. She screams.
Karly: “Look out for the Bugman!”
But Jake doesn’t hear her properly.
Jake: “Hang on…”
Karly’s shaking with fear, and tries to warn Jake again.
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