It’s not easy being a horse, especially a diabetic horse who works for GamesRadar. I don’t mean to complain, but every time my boss finds something remotely animal-related in his inbox, it’s always “Hey Buttercup! There’s a new ‘I Love Horses’ game. Want to write the review?” or “Hey Buttercup! You know about sharks, too, right?” Right. Well, I’m sick of it, you hear me? I may be a horse, but I’m as much of a hardcore gamer as the rest of my non-equid colleagues at the office. But I digress.
Today, new screenshots for Red Dead Redemption were released. At first glance, it looks like Rockstar Games is trying to reach out to its hardcore horse fan base by releasing sizzling screenshots of sexy beasts. I mean, just look at the sweaty haunches on that American Salerno. That mare’s just asking for someone to take her for a long ride, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Anyhow, take a closer look at these new Red Dead Redemption images; it seems that there’s something more insidious about these seemingly innocent game assets.
Above: We’ve seen how glamour shots of human girls in bikinis worked on weak minded young men when Tecmo was promoting Dead or Alive: Paradise. But is there more to these shots of hot horses looking all hot and bothered?
Above: Here we see a fine black beauty subjugated by a stranger. She was once a free creature, but will soon be serving some douche bag in a hat for the rest of her years. Does that seem right to you?
Above: Another grotesquely detailed image of an innocent mare coerced into submitting herself to the will of her future non-horse master
Above: When will the violence end? Here’s even more anti-horse hate mongering that further romanticizes the enslavement of a free being
Above: These horses are dudes, so this image doesn’t bother us as much. How do I know they’re not maiden mares in distress? Trust me. I’m a horse
Above: A horse has about 50 times more muscle in its rear-right calf than the average human gamer has in his entire body - and yet the average human male can’t walk 10 miles without getting a blister. Does this seem fair?
We contacted Rockstar Games to see if anyone would be willing to help us put these graphic images depicting horse bondage into context, but our calls were not returned.
May 11, 2010
The Top 7… sexy horses every stud should ride
Have a roll in the hay with the hottest mares in gaming
Why do humans want sex with cats?
A real horse asks real questions about human nature and hentai