When I decided to join the editorial staff at GamesRadar, I knew there would be challenges. As a diabetic horse who loves sugar cubes and games, I’ve grown accustomed to the slings and arrows my kind must suffer through. Simple tasks, like catching the train to work, are a daily struggle. Why just the other day, I was questioned by a police officer who wanted to take me in for disturbing the peace and horsing around. “Really officer,” I replied. “I’m not trying to block this fire exit. I just want to get to work. My identification? Sure. It’s in the right pocket hanging from my saddle. No, no. Your right.” It’s enough to drive any sane equine mad. Add in the always tiresome inquiries regarding my assumed acquaintance with TV’s Mr. Ed, and condescending compliments about how I’m surprisingly “articulate for a horse,” and it’s enough to make me want to take a trip to the glue factory. But I digress.
The point: Shark Week sucks
You see, as GamesRadar’s Senior Wildlife Editor, I’m here today to voice my concern - nay outrage - regarding GamesRadar’s Shark Week. Supporting the popular fascination with these underwater predators isn’t just misguided; it’s dangerous. Follow the money trail, and you’ll find that the Big Shark Lobby has managed to sink its teeth into a number of key areas by manipulating public policy, influencing foreign relations, and controlling international finance.
With the help of its big shark money, the Big Shark Lobby has also helped push an alarming number of pro-shark fishing legislation through congress, while dramatically reducing public funding for the United States Navy and coastguard. Over the last few years, the Big Shark Lobby has also dipped its insidious pectoral fins into several sectors of the entertainment industry, blacklisting anti-shark artists from Hollywood’s largest studios while promoting the production pro-shark propaganda, which are often loosely disguised as horror films, so-called “factual” nature documentary specials, or even high concept art.
Above: Andy Warhol – JAWSome! (1968). The Big Shark Lobby’s influence on pop culture is far reaching. It was only a matter of time before they began preying on the videogame industry
One unexpected result of all this pro-shark lobbying: GamesRadar’s weeklong series of unapologetically biased articles celebrating a species of cold blooded killers dedicated to the destruction of all land-based mammals. Like dumb cows lining up for the slaughter, you non-horses foolishly bite into the Big Shark Lobby’s bait.
“What’s wrong with stuff about sharks?” one might ask. Why, they’re just zombies of the sea, cool kitsch like lawn gnomes and ironic t-shirts about Jesus that are both frightening and hilarious at the same time. Indeed, what is wrong with sharks? Well, everything. By supporting such blatantly shark-centric entertainment, you may be unwittingly paving the path to your own grave and dooming all of us to a future filled with smelly fish-centric games. That’s why I am now encouraging all readers to boycott the rest of GamesRadar’s Shark Week. Celebrating sharks only encourages them, making a worldwide shark apocalypse less a matter of “if” - and more a matter of “when.”
Fact: Sharks suck
Did you know that all sharks suck? Well, they do. Literally. It’s how they breathe; seawater is sucked in through the beast’s open mouth and through the process of “gas exchange,” oxygen is extracted by gill membranes before the disgusting wastewater is excreted through their rear gill slits. It’s really, really gross. So the next time you visit the beach, remember that you’re swimming in a sea filled to the brim with leftover oxygen-poor gill pee brought to you by sharks.
Above: Sharks are also racist against Cubans
Fact: Sharks want to make your favorite franchises more fish-centric
If left unchecked, the likelihood that the Big Shark Lobby will eventually succeed in making your favorite game franchises more fish-centric, will increase dramatically. Here’s one artist’s representation of what 2012’s biggest holiday blockbuster might look like if land mammals continue to ignore the growing threat posed by the Big Shark Lobby.
Above: Hijacking important gaming franchises is step four in the sharks’ plans for world domination
Above: The scary part is that it’s already happening. Notice the sharp rise in games featuring sharks and editorial features on GamesRadar about games that feature sharks
Fact: Horses can help
By now, the threat posed by the Big Shark Lobby should be clear. If the idea of a world run by sharks makes you feel helpless and alone, do not panic. We equines have helped your kind for centuries, and we’re not about to abandon our favorite sugar cube-bearing mammals during their darkest hour. Together, mankind and horses have transformed harsh environments into fertile lands. In wars, we have fought together and died together. And while we sometimes resent your misguided sense of superiority, we’d rather bear the weight of a human being on our back than a slimy shark any day.
All us horses want in return for centuries of servitude is a little more representation in your human-made games. For years, we’ve been forced to the fringe of our favorite pastime, cast only as mounts to be used by protagonists and foals to be groomed and molested by 12-year-old girls with an unhealthy fetish for our impressive physique.
Above: I humbly submit for your consideration, Star Wars: The Horse Unleashed
The opinions expressed in this editorial are those of the author, and not necessarily those of GamesRadar, Future US, or any of its affiliates.
Aug 5, 2009
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