Nintendo's Big Secret: Highly Improbable Edition

What won't be unveiled at this year's E3 with 100% accuracy

Probability: 1.111%

No, the title isn’t an oxymoron. You played as a sentient unicycle that hauled copious amounts of ass around twisty-turny, candy-cane tracks. To its credit, it uniquely focused on stunts, and not the inherent majesty of piloting half a bicycle for pole position alone. But you have to wonder why, in the waning days of the SNES, would Nintendo put so many of its chips on an exclusive racer focusing on a forgotten vaudeville prop.

Why it’s unlikely:
Why is what unlikely? Oh! You see, despite the previous paragraph, we’ve already forgotten about Uniracers, again. Besides, the original developers, DMA Design, became a lil’ company called Rockstar and were never heard from again.

Pro Wrestling
Probability: Andre the Giant comeback

Above Right: Star Man shows of his Crying Buffalo Shot in the European box art

You can have THQ’s WWE license when you pry it from their cold dead hands. But who cares? Nintendo wrung out the competition 22 years ago in its own slam-tacular Pro Wrestling by pulling of a metric man-ton of moves - like knees drops, piledrivers, and bodyslams - without so much as a shoulder button.

You can keep your triple Quadruple H’s and Gristle McThornbodys. Brutally generic characters like Great Puma and The Amazon still have a leg-lock on the hearts of gamers over twenty, who could care less about whatever the hell Vince McMahon’s menagerie of beefcakes are cooking.

Above: You see, honey, when two wrestlers love each other very much...

Why it’s unlikely:
Well, an accurate update would be impossible since Nintendo’s extremely skittish about blood now, and The Amazon’s signature Piranha Bite involved biting skulls to death. But even more troubling stateside, conservative worrywarts felt certain maneuvers bordered on the, um, erotic and demanded their removal.

Devil World
Probability: A snowball’s chance in hell

Known as Demon World in the UK, Devil World hold’s the distinction of being the only Shigeru Miyamoto game never released in the US. Even the creator of Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong and Pikmin can get lazy. Devil World burst forth onto the Famicom in 1987 and was heralded all throughout Japan as a bold and blatant Pac-Man rip-off. Only this time, instead of power pellets, dragon protagonist Tamagon collected Power Bibles to beat Beelzebub. Hallelujah!

Why it’s unlikely:
Nintendo of America won’t even allow Devil World on stateside Virtual Consoles. Why? Because of strict NoA standards pertaining to religious iconography. Apparently, the Big N’s US branch is so fiercely agnostic, they even removed the Tamagon trophy from the North American version of Smash Bros. Melee. But maybe they’ve seen the light: The Devil himself is currently an assist trophy in Brawl.

Hear more atTalkRadar.

May 21, 2008


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