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Must not buy

There are many games that suck. They’re shallow wastes of time devoid of entertainment or intellectual merit. These games are a scourge upon our cultural landscape and the cause of all society’s ills. They are the things that took our hard-earned money and turned it into a waste of shelf space.

Yes, most games are the disease, but we are the cure. It is time to strike out the Leisure Suit Larrys in our hearts, banish the Daikatanas from our minds and cleanse the Bass Avengers from our hard drives once and for all. The games that follow are not those you play with morbid fascination, nor those that you gather around with friends to mock. These are the games that tarnish all of us by their presence. They aren’t the only offenders by any means, but they are the worst.

These are GamesRadar’s least wanted. Spit after saying their names.



10) NRA Varmint Hunter

The National Rifle Association gets a bad reputation for championing the weapons that kill thousands of people in America every year. If their detractors knew about NRA Varmint Hunter, they’d realize there are far worse accusations to lay at the NRA’s door.

Varmints, if you don’t know, are a general breed of small, relatively cute animal, including prairie dogs, groundhogs and quite possibly fluffy kittens. But even if snuffing out small defenseless animals is your idea of a good time, please keep in mind that you can’t even move in Varmint Hunter. You just aim, fire and watch those little critters get destroyed by a bullet almost as big as they are.

Oh, sure, you can start worrying about how much gunpowder you use, but... they’re the size of rats. Shooting fish in a barrel would be more challenging, and more fun.

9) Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

Big Rigs claimed to offer head-to-head heavy haulage delivery races against AI opponents, and exciting Smokey and the Bandit-style chases between yourself and the police. Unfortunately that was one of those lie thingies. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing actually contained no police, no chases, no cargo and really not much of anything at all.

Instead, it featured a small number of mostly similar races against a single AI opponent who never, ever moved from the starting line. You could drive through buildings like they didn’t exist, climb vertical slopes without slowing down, accelerate infinitely while in reverse (much to the annoyance of Albert Einstein), drive off the edge of the world at will, and sometimes win races as you crossed the line to start the race, not finish it.

Every time a race was completed, an ecstatic victory message would appear: “You’re Winner!” But no, you weren’t.

8) Hopkins FBI

Terrorist mastermind Bernie Berckson dropped two nuclear bombs on California, killing 50,000 people in the process. But despite being given the chair and electrocuted twice, he’s now escaped and it’s up to you, Hopkins, to bring him to justice once again.

We guess. At the very least, it seems to be your job to wander around getting women killed, to aid in bank heists with your utter incompetence and to accidentally kill your girlfriend with your stupidity. And gun.

And then you die and go to heaven.

Then - yes, it keeps going - you can steal some woman’s clothes while she’s showering, dress in drag and use the disguise to teleport back to the land of the living.

But then… a secret underwater base! The real plot reveals itself: a device to resurrect people from the dead. If Hopkins FBI wasn’t one of the worst games in the world, it would have to be one of the best.

7) Bravo Romeo Delta

Bravo Romeo Delta is anti-fun, non-fun, unfun and bizarrely proud of it. It is a sugar-free sweet in game form; a good idea, ruined.

It’s like Defcon, if Defcon was the most boring game ever made. With four low-res maps and an arsenal of nuclear weapons at your disposal, you are tasked with taking part in a “limited” nuclear skirmish - to show the other side you’re a formidable enemy and world power without causing the conflict to escalate to all-out thermonuclear war. Ignoring the fact that the goal is thus to avoid the fun part, would people really not mind if you chose to nuke just, say, Essex, and not London? Because that would be good information to know.

Of course, when we said those nukes were “at your disposal,” we meant “mostly at your disposal.” If you try to actually do what you want with them, ie, fire all of them in every direction and at everyone in sight, your command is rejected. Sigh.

We’re sure this is all a terribly realistic simulation of how nuclear conflict would actually pan out, but given the choice between “Everybody dies” and “A reasonable and proportionate number of people die,” we’ll choose apocalypse every time.

6) Monsters, Inc: Wreck Room Arcade

You know Wreck Room Arcade’s bad when you’d rather have syphilis.

The first minigame was fashioned after the famous bowling scene in the film, and involved piloting a ball to the end of an alley and knocking down all the pins. The second mini bag-of-fun was based upon the famous pinball scene in the film, and involves playing pinball. The third minigame is based upon the famous jumping-on-a-see-saw-to-propel-a monster-in-the-air scene in the film. There are two more minigames, but you get the idea.

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