Regardless of what scholars, music magazines and Tenacious D continue to espouse, the finest song ever committed to tape is inarguably "Monster Mash." "Stairway" this, Beethoven that - Bobby "Boris" Pickett's macabre anthem simultaneously made us recoil in fear for our very lives and channeled an unknown desire to cut a rug with Dracula and throw back cocktails with the Wolfman. In that same spirit, we strode confidently into Monster Madness: Battle for Suburbia's top-down, third-person blast-a-thon expecting a similar mix of the unholy and pleasant, but alas...
Monster Madness ' singleplayer game is loud, obnoxious and just plain shallow. As hard as it seems to botch the winning scenario of a town overrun with ghoulish beasties and the blood-thirsty dead, apparently all it takes is some horrible voiceovers and the most cringe-inducing foursome of adolescent stereotypes possible. Zack alone is easily the most irritaing character in recent memory.
Above: The GamesRadar office prides itself in being a "nerd friendly" environment, a place where geeks of all kinds can roam free and unmolested. But there's no way we'd turn down the opportunity to punch Zack in the gut and dump his books
Despite the constant references to classic games and movies (Doom, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, Die Hard, even Bruce Campbell referred to by name), most of the time your character just loops annoying phrases or prompts you towards something that isn't even happening. (No, you did not improve your melee skill, jackhole.)
As unimportant as the story may be, it's the one thing that may have saved the buggy, floaty, hack-and-slash-fest that is the meat of Monster Madness. We also know a humorous and frantic shooter such as this has little use for accurate physics. And as entertaining as it is to watch a 90-pound geek kick around a giant mecha-robot and see it flop with the same rag doll motion as an undead Chihuahua, it doesn't imply an attention to detail, and similarly, piloting haphazard vehicles is an absolute chore. Except the swan; it was so absurd, we didn't care that it controlled badly.