If video games and consoles were... cocktails?
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The phrase "a heady cocktail" is a tired, overused games journalism cliche. It's a cheap, stock, go-to line, used to lazily encapsulate a title with a whole bunch of stuff going on in it, while really only describing it in the most generic of terms.
But it got me thinking. What if it was literally true? What would the industry's biggest names look like if turned into colourful, alcoholic metaphors for themselves? How would they be served? Which ones would be habit-forming, and which would taste like crap? So I had another think, and then I made this feature.
Because you need to know the answers to these questions.
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The Duke Pukem Forever
Signature qualities: Every time you're just about to have it handed to you, the barman comes up with a new idea, takes it away and starts all over again. This goes on all night until the bar eventually closes. If you decide that you do ultimately still want to drink it, you have to come back the next day, when a new barman will fish out the dregs his predecessor left out the night before and stick them in a new glass with a bright-coloured but broken umbrella.
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The Final Fant-iced-tea
Signature qualities: The first few you have (usually up to about ten, depending on the individual) are a simulating, exciting mix of eclectic flavours, and tend to incite a heightened level of emotion and wonder along with pleasant audio-visual side-effects (though the seventh can make your vision go a bit cloudy). Down any more than that though, and you'll generally find that while the visuals become ever shinier, your mood will become fairly morose and over-serious. In fact around your 13th, there's a chance you might even start feeling slightly paranoid and trapped. Almost like your life is stuck on some pre-destined path, without any genuine power of free-will.
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The Elder(berry) Scrolls
Signature qualities: A bitter-sweet blend which uses equally high levels of sugar and alcohol to create a rough but addictive beverage. Doesn't require a great deal of careful blending, and is frequently just roughly shaken together and served without a proper taste test. Sometimes as punishing a drink as it is an enjoyable one, its fans swear by it regardless, on the grounds that if nothing else it's served in a fishbowl, so you get loads of it.
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The Red Dead Refreshment
Signature qualities: A long, whisky-based drink, known to incite both aggressive and depressive emotional states in equal measure. It has a vibrant, but slightly one-note flavour, and many profess to getting sick of it halfway through. Worth sticking with though, as the end has a hell of a kick.
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The Gin and Sonic
Signature qualities: Its bright, unique colour blend and summery presentation always makes it look really enticing when you see someone else drinking one from afar, but unfortunately that's only ever because it inflicts such intense memory loss that you always forget just how drastically bad the last one tasted.
Still, maybe the next one will be different. Can't hurt to try, right?
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The Gran(d Marniere) Turismo 5
Signature qualities: No-one quite knows what GT5 really tastes like, because no-one has yet sampled a finished one. The problem? Being such a prestige beverage, once you order one you'll invariably find that the barman spends all night sampling other drinks in order to research the perfect flavour combination, gets drunk, and then forgets what he was supposed to be doing in the first place. If you're lucky you'll get your drink served before closing time, by which point your friends will have already nailed six or seven different cocktails of their own. And even then, your perfectionist barman will keep adding and changing bits as you drink, meaning that you're likely to give up and wonder what all the fuss was about long before you reach the bottom of it.
Still, it's nice to look at.
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The X-on-the-beach-box 360
Signature qualities: Really should be served chilled, but about 50% of bars ruin them by serving them far too warm, if not flaming. Formerly one of the most popular cocktails in the world amongst serious aficionados, but is currently falling out of favour due to a trend for weakening its core flavours and tinkering a little too much with the formula. Usually served with a serviette made out of an advertising flyer for a completely different drink you don't actually want.
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The DisarrayStation 3
Signature qualities: Not a terribly popular drink with either customers or bartenders when it first appeared, being overly rich for some tastes and requiring a few too many expensive ingredients for very little flavour advantage. It still takes a lot of work from a highly skilled barman in order to blend correctly, but has over recent years made a resurgence through a combination of increased bartender experience and the invention of more affordable variants of the recipe.
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The PC Gone Mad
Signature qualities: The first one of the evening is quite expensive, but stick with them and they'll get progressively cheaper, actually saving you money over the course of the night. In that respect it's a bit like taking advantage of the free drinking in a Vegas casino, only with the big financial outlay at the beginning of the night rather than the end. Unusually though, while this drink is technically made up of many of the same ingredient combinations as the Xbox 360 and PS3 variants, its flavours are somehow sharper and more vibrant. And it's definitely a hell of a lot more potent.
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josh-horvath - August 16, 2012 4:37 a.m.
the valve- first is tasty and refreshing, unlike anything you have tasted before the second takes a while to prepare but ultimately delivers the same experience as the first the bar always closes before you can get a third. the COD- tastes the same, no matter what is added. known to induce tears and rage in some people. -
Net_Bastard - August 13, 2012 2:44 p.m.
The Crysis: Drink the first one and you'll be in love. Then you drink the second one and notice that some of the flavors have changed, and the flavors that are still there are very watered down. They offer up a third one, but you decline after the second one left a bad taste in your mouth. The Minecraft: People become obsessed with this drink that exploded out of nowhere. If you mention criticisms like how it isn't stirred very nicely, or how it has weird chunks in it, they'll run you out of the bar and tell you to go and drink the Call of Duty. You ignore them and just start adding about 50 other flavors to make it palatable and order something else when you're done. The Valve: the people who like the Valve think that it's perfect and can't be messed up in any way, even though that's far from true. The Smartphone: This is something that you use if you want a quick buzz. Although that is the reason for this drink to exist, you can get the Handheld for a similar experience, except better. -
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CitizenWolfie - August 11, 2012 6:20 a.m.
It doesn't look like anyone has shared this yet so I will - http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2011/dec/23/six-video-game-cocktails/print Recipes for actual VG inspired cocktails. The Portal ones are particularly brilliant. -
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Danomeon - August 10, 2012 5:40 p.m.
This is a really creative and awesome article. I think I've got some ideas... The Call of Duty Cocktail - Some who sip this beverage will accept it as simple and not too intricate with its ingredients, but enjoyable nonetheless. Those who spend more time drinking other beverages oftentimes become drunk after the first few sips, and they then proceed to get into a drunken rage and begin an outrageous bar fight with anyone who enjoys the drink. These people will usually experience hangovers so foul that they refuse to drink the beverage again and curse its name whenever they see it, stating that it fails to add enough new ingredients over time. Guitar hero - This particular mixture was once considered to be one of the most popular beverages served in bars, particularly because of the unusual behaviors exhibited by bartenders who mixed this drink. The bartender would often offer someone a delicious looking Guitar Hero cocktail and, upon seeing this person's enjoyment of the drink, immediately whip up several hundred more drinks and shove them into the customer's face. When the customer begins to slow down in their consumption of the beverage, the bartender would try throwing any popular ingredient into the Guitar hero mixture, be it a lime labeled, "Green Day" or a fancy "Metallica" umbrella. This strange beverage has since gone the way of the dodo bird, after an excess consumption of the beverage has led many to have a permanent hangover. World of Warcraft - Everyone states that this beverage is dangerous to one's health because of its alcoholic nature, despite the fact that they all drink alcoholic beverages as well. However, while everyone constantly speaks ill of this drink, even those who drink it, no one can seem to turn it down whenever the bartender suggests it. After one or two drinks in any particular sitting the patron will begin to get angry and drunk and will proceed to order another drink. They will then turn to everyone drinking World of Warcraft and declare how excited they are for the new drink, and how no one will be drinking World of Warcraft beverages when the bartender arrives. Oftentimes when the bartender returns the patron will take a sip of the new drink and immediately shrug, proceeding to return to the World of Warcraft cocktail. They will continue to complain until the process repeats itself. -
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IceBlueKirby - August 10, 2012 4:02 p.m.
Fantastic article, and comedy gold, as usual. Keep it up, Dave! -
Cyberninja - August 10, 2012 3:18 p.m.
You forgot the capcom one where they fill the whole cup and make you pay to finish the drink. -
CitizenWolfie - August 11, 2012 6:22 a.m.
You totally beat me to it... I bet it comes with ice and a glass if you pay extra. -
Cloudiology - August 10, 2012 2:08 p.m.
Oh Dave! How you've reinstated my love for gamesradar with just the one article! GIVE THIS GUY A RAISE!!!!! -
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EwoksTasteLikeChicken - August 10, 2012 11:56 a.m.
Hilarious, thank you for writing this! -
TanookiMan - August 10, 2012 9:33 a.m.
I thought this was going to be one of those articles that actually has a drink recipe for various videogame themed beverages (most of which end up tasting disgusting!) Instead, found this hilarious article! Thank you very much Mr. Houghton! -
RonnyLive19881 - August 10, 2012 8:58 a.m.
Final Fant-iced-tea deserves a Webby, I have never been so serious on the internet. BRAVO! -
RonnyLive19881 - August 10, 2012 9:05 a.m.
No Nintendo drinks? Seriously? No Kakarikan Extra Stout, Lon Lon Vanilla Porter or the Nintenjito? I can't believe you passed up the Bottom of the Barrel Roll...