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If video game jobs were true to life

“Is that your profession or pleasure?” Well, when it comes to jobs in games, it’s usually both. Y’see, your average gaming hero’s nine-to-five is a never-ending stream of employed excitement. Acrobatic plumbers who frolic in magical fantasy kingdoms. Archaeologists with pornstar bodies who can dual wield pistols like everyone’s favourite slaphead assassin. And suspiciously buff scientists who routinely save the human race with nothing but a crowbar. They all enjoy incredible careers we mere mortals could only dream of. Of course, if their jobs were a little more true to life, Mario would probably do himself in when he faced his first backed-up toilet… 


The cop

The video game version: An unstoppable badass, this Johnny Law Enforcer of the digital realm is a virtual renegade who dispatches criminals by the dozen…usually while pirouetting through the air in Matrix-shaming fashion.

The reality: If an individual like Max Payne existed in our job market, he’d most likely be a bureaucratic crony who couldn’t give you a fine for spitting gum on the street without doing four hours of paperwork.


The archaeologist

The video game version: Normally a stunning supermodel type with incredible athletic skills, mastery of dozens of languages and a cup size that just won’t quit. Said beauty also enjoys shooting endangered species in the face.

The reality: Ms. Croft would most likely be taking part in pain-stakingly slow excavations if she did her job in the real world. Still, shovelling dirt is definitely as exciting as swan-diving from the top of a 200 foot waterfall, yeah?


The thief

The video game version: A supreme criminal, this opportunistic mastermind can fleece a bank vault of its cash by simply casting a shifty look in its direction. Can usually be found firing high-powered explosives while sporting thousand dollar Armani suits.

The reality: We don’t care how many cops Mr. Bellic mercilessly mows down while fleeing the law; eventually his Balkan behind is going to get pinched (eh, in the arrested sense). And when that happens, Niko can kiss goodbye to those sports cars and hello to a 25 year stretch with an inmate who enjoys the fine art of incarcerated spooning.


The soldier

The video game version: Someone get Webster’s on the phone, because the definition of ‘hard-ass’ has just been redefined. Typical recruits in this position are fearless one man armies with state-of-the-art technology at their disposal. Can normally win any war singlehandedly merely by pressing triangle.

The reality: A faceless grunt who'd most likely have the life-expectancy of a dragonfly if they were ever introduced to a warzone. If conflict was not imminent, Mr. Ghost Recon would probably spend the majority of his time polishing rows of boots and weeping at the hands of his drill sergeant's name calling.


The cook

The video game version: A relentlessly bright, cheery individual who holds down a career by making an endless supply of adorable cartoon grub.

The reality: You can have all the culinary skills in the world, but unless you’ve got the hardened disposition to survive in the cutthroat, pressure cooker environment of a professional kitchen, you’re screwed. That’s why we think Cooking Mama would probably end up flipping burgers at McDonalds.

And yes, apparently former German striker Rudi Völler has hit hard times.

42 comments

  • sirpsychosexy - February 15, 2011 12:36 a.m.

    excellent! I can't WAIT to start my job in gamz jarnalism!
  • TENAXIS - February 13, 2011 4:42 p.m.

    LOL of all buildings, why the KLCC??
  • Fiirestorm21 - February 11, 2011 5:30 p.m.

    Heh... That Parris Island pic for "soldier" brought horrified memories flooding back.
  • Aznzangetsu - February 11, 2011 3:46 a.m.

    Awww No Engineer? (Isaac Clarke) =(
  • keltar93 - February 10, 2011 12:02 a.m.

    I think I'd like to be a gamz jarnalist
  • philipshaw - February 9, 2011 7:39 p.m.

    Classic Meiks photoshop made me lol
  • Japanaman - February 9, 2011 2:20 p.m.

    I actually am a I student and yes, studying is boring, but I do have time to get in some rounds of Tekken, so I still get to participate in martial arts tournmaents thanks to video games.
  • GG Gabby - February 9, 2011 9:26 a.m.

    Damn, this is the most realistic article I've read on GR in a while. xD The student part is so true. :P I think I might want to exchange places with Ling Xiaoya and be a Kung Fu ass kicking student instead. :P
  • celticsfan645 - February 9, 2011 3:33 a.m.

    i now know what i want to be when i grow up.
  • grayguwapo - February 9, 2011 3:26 a.m.

    Err... correction on the student, it's Ling Xiaoyu not Ling Xiaoya... great article though... hahaha... who would've thought eh? I'd love to see Mario cleaning up one of those toilets...
  • Yeager1122 - February 9, 2011 1:45 a.m.

    Wow thank you for showing me what games journalism is really all about.
  • CoppertopJohnson - February 8, 2011 11:26 p.m.

    The picture for the archaeologist entry looks like it's from Time Team. That show is inescapable.
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 8, 2011 11:03 p.m.

    I think you guys did a very similar article a while ago. I may be wrong. But that last Photoshop with Matt... I think it's your best one of the year so far, Dave!
  • QWERTYCommander - February 8, 2011 10:23 p.m.

    Skater: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater/Underground vs. Real life THPS/UG: Collecting things like letters, objects, and tapes, going 20 feet in the air off a small quarterpipe, and destroying buildings just by grinding them. Real life: Going about 1.5 feet in the air at most, grinding rails as long as probably 7 or 8 feet, going about 2 feet off a large quarterpipe, and probably suffering injuries to the head, bones, and scrotum along the way.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - February 8, 2011 10:16 p.m.

    Did not expect the Games Journalism lolz @ teh end.
  • Clovin64 - February 8, 2011 9:46 p.m.

    I'm a student, and I drop-kick pandas all the time...
  • GameManiac - February 8, 2011 9:15 p.m.

    If humanity lacked escapism, then we'd all make like Mario and put a gun in our mouths.
  • batmanboy11 - February 8, 2011 8:55 p.m.

    This article is full of win.
  • kachigop - February 8, 2011 8:17 p.m.

    You'd be surprised how economically secure most plumbers are...
  • 8bitBaby - February 8, 2011 6:28 p.m.

    XDD these are great! "sigh" when i was a kid i wanted to be an archeologist. then at some point i decided being a professional artist would be a better way to not earn money, starve, and die in relative obscurity. D: btw...the soldier getting yelled at pic, CLASSIC. that look on his face XDD

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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