If video game jobs were true to life

Being employed ain't a box of chocolates, it's a toilet full of shit

“Is that your professionor pleasure?” Well, when it comes to jobs in games, it’s usually both. Y’see, your average gaming hero’s nine-to-five is a never-ending stream of employed excitement. Acrobatic plumbers who frolic in magical fantasy kingdoms. Archaeologists with pornstar bodies who can dual wield pistolslike everyone’s favourite slaphead assassin. And suspiciously buff scientists who routinely save the human race with nothing but a crowbar. They all enjoy incredible careers we mere mortals could only dream of. Of course, if their jobs were a little more true to life, Mario would probably do himself in when he faced his first backed-up toilet…

The cop

The video game version: An unstoppable badass, this Johnny Law Enforcer of the digital realm is a virtual renegade who dispatches criminals by the dozen…usually while pirouetting through the air in Matrix-shaming fashion.

The reality: If an individual like Max Payne existed in our job market, he’d most likely be a bureaucratic crony who couldn’t give you a fine for spitting gum on the street without doing four hours of paperwork.

The archaeologist

The video game version: Normally a stunning supermodel type with incredible athletic skills, mastery of dozens of languages and a cup size that just won’t quit. Said beauty also enjoys shooting endangered species in the face.

The reality: Ms. Croft would most likely be taking part in pain-stakingly slow excavations if she did her job in the real world. Still, shovelling dirt is definitely as exciting as swan-diving from the top of a 200 foot waterfall, yeah?

The thief

The video game version: Asupreme criminal, this opportunistic mastermind can fleece a bank vault of its cash by simplycasting a shifty look in its direction. Can usually be foundfiring high-powered explosives while sporting thousand dollar Armani suits.

The reality: We don’t care how many cops Mr. Bellic mercilessly mows down while fleeing the law; eventually his Balkan behind is going to get pinched (eh, in the arrested sense). And when that happens, Niko can kiss goodbye to those sports cars and hello to a 25 year stretch with an inmate who enjoys the fine art of incarcerated spooning.

The soldier

The video game version: Someone get Webster’s on the phone, because the definition of ‘hard-ass’ has just been redefined. Typical recruits in this position are fearless one man armies with state-of-the-art technology at their disposal. Can normally win any war singlehandedly merely by pressing triangle.

The reality: A faceless grunt who'd most likely have the life-expectancy of a dragonfly if they were ever introduced to a warzone. Ifconflict was not imminent, Mr. Ghost Recon would probably spend the majority of his time polishing rows of boots and weeping at the hands of his drill sergeant's name calling.

The cook

The video game version: A relentlessly bright, cheery individual who holds down a career by making an endless supply of adorable cartoon grub.

The reality: You can have all the culinary skills in the world, but unless you’ve got the hardened disposition to survive in the cutthroat, pressure cooker environment of a professional kitchen, you’re screwed. That’s why we think Cooking Mama would probably end up flipping burgers at McDonalds.

And yes, apparently former German striker Rudi Völler has hit hard times.

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