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If game developers quit the business and became shopkeepers instead

So, EA has recently announced that it's going to roll out a small chain of EA Sports stores across the US. Not strictly a bad move, if a little unexpected. But it got us thinking. If this starts a trend of games publishers and developers setting up their own retail establishments, where is it going to end? What will they sell? What will their shops look like? How will their gaming legacies and company manifestos come through in the way they run things? So as is traditional, I threw together a few ideas and photoshopped them up until they made me laugh. So check them out over the jump. Just don't try to make the photo-SHOP pun, because I've already used it in the strapline.


Bobby Kotick's sweet shop

Bobby should have a whole chain of sweet shops by now, but every time he acquires a new one to rebrand he closes it down within a week.

The Bethesda Mall

It's bloody huge in there, and there's a hell of a lot to buy, but much of the stock is shoddily put together and all the shopkeepers look the same.

Microsoft's Square Wheel Emporium

What's that? You have a bruised arse and it's taking you twice as long to get where you're going? That's a brand new experience only available via the magic of square wheels, that is.

Sony's shop of empty shelves

Sony's shop should be thriving, but they never switch the security cameras on and someone keeps forgetting to lock the back door at night.

Nintendo's Olde Franchise Shoppe

All top quality merchandise, but they haven't done a stock rotation in years.

Peter Molyneux's innovation store

"The most innovative products, provided to you in the most innovative ways possible." In truth it's basically just a shop, and nothing you're waiting on ever seems to come in when they say it will. And that John Cleese is such a pushy salesman.  

June 16, 2011

31 comments

  • R_U_Guys_From_British - June 22, 2011 1:15 p.m.

    These shops are all believable. This scares me.
  • RandomIdoit - June 20, 2011 5:37 p.m.

    oh, and sorry for the double post, but really funny article, however, you could have tried to put Nintendo's re-using old things into more of an actual business, or shop such as "Nintendo's already three-year sandwiches" or something.
  • RandomIdoit - June 20, 2011 5:33 p.m.

    So, because it sold well = good games I would like to see you try to find three good (8 or higher) games that use only kinect. As for portable consoles you really think they're only for kids? (although I agree that a price drop would be nice) well how about Zelda Ocerina of time 3d (9/10), Dead or Alive Dimensions (9/10), and Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Shadow Wars (8/10), or if that's not your thing what about Super Street Fighter IV 3d edition (8/10). Since the PS Vita isn't out yet, I'll just have to go with the PSP so what about Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars (9/10), Pro Evolution Soccer 2009 (9/10), and Midnight Club: LA Remix (9/10). I have no ill will towards Microsoft (guess who made the OS I'm running on right now), or the Xbox (It's just a console like all the other videogame consoles, one that happens to be more powerful), I just think that portable systems aren't just for kids which is why I only used more "mature" or old-school games when I wrote this. Now try to find three "mature" (not-necessarily mature rated) games that have a review score of 8+, and are controlled only by kinect (not just with kinect as an add on.)
  • Azralph13 - June 18, 2011 9:38 a.m.

    Too true for Nintendo and im not confident about the launch of DREAMCAST2, but Microsoft!? Come on guys you still pissy about that whole Kinect thing? Every big game on Xbox waaay outsells Ps3 so their does'nt seem broke in any way. Nintendo's relationship with retailers is very shaky right now, whereas Kinect sold by the bucket load to justify its hype and shelf space 3DS had a poor launch and performed poorly at launch. Sony should just pull out of handheld market too, the PS VITA or whatever lame name it has is waay over priced. Sony and Nintendo take note handhelds are for kids and sell best priced at affordable prices, that way parents don't give a crap if gets trashed after a month!
  • fattoler - June 17, 2011 3:43 a.m.

    Where's "Blizzard's Quality Crack Dealership"?
  • Teh_Ty - June 17, 2011 3:32 a.m.

    Where is "Ol' uncle Gabe's shop of empty promises"?
  • Lurkero - June 17, 2011 2:05 a.m.

    I couldn't summarize Microsoft any better. Every one of their products I enjoy gets progressively worse.
  • Andyjoe - June 16, 2011 8:18 p.m.

    The Sony one is so true. lol
  • BurntToShreds - June 16, 2011 7:52 p.m.

    What, no hat shop for Valve, and a neglected corner of the store with a "Half-Life" sign?
  • D0CCON - June 16, 2011 6:51 p.m.

    At least with the Bethesda one, the merchandise gets better after 3-5 shipments (patches). I loved them all, btw
  • Jaces - June 16, 2011 5:12 p.m.

    Sony and Nintendo were hilarious :) Should of come up with something better for MS, didn't exactly get it till that Kinect comment above.
  • bron1417 - June 16, 2011 4:58 p.m.

    ah i loved this! the Molynuex and Sony ones were great. good work Dave.
  • NearNRiver - June 16, 2011 4:04 p.m.

    The Nintendo one is just pure Jokes.
  • ChrisCultista - June 16, 2011 1:31 p.m.

    I gave me giggles... and tears...
  • PimplesInYourAsstista - June 16, 2011 1:20 p.m.

    If Kotick's Sweet Shop had Dan Amrich as the sale's associate, I'd never shop anywhere else regardless of being ripped off.
  • philipshaw - June 16, 2011 1:11 p.m.

    Great stuff, had to lol at molyneux
  • shawksta - June 16, 2011 12:38 p.m.

    These were all awesome. John Cleese, My God. You wouldnt be able to buy anything cause peter will keep changing what hes gettin and bashes the last thing he made.
  • Ensoul - June 16, 2011 12:33 p.m.

    The Nintendo on get me to lol. @TheHungryLemur: You just think that because he's smiling and subconsciously you realize it's most likely he's smiling because he's done something vile. Other then that he seems pretty cake-baker average handsome-ish. I guess. (Side note: Chrome spell check insisted I capitalize the "N" in "Nintendo")
  • TheHungryLemur - June 16, 2011 12:22 p.m.

    Nice one Dave! my favourite one is the Nintendo one. By the way, am I the only one who thinks Bobby Kotick is just horribly ugly?
  • 8bitBaby - June 16, 2011 11:46 a.m.

    oh you. C:

Showing 1-20 of 31 comments

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