How to make Lara Croft more family friendly

So Eidos plans to make Lara Croft more "family-friendly". Turns out despite the huge brand name and near universal critical acclaim, Tomb Raider Underworld just didn't sell as well as they had predicted, so it's time to tap that lucrative family market.

But Eidos don't need to spend thousands on a marketing consultant - we've done all the hard work for them and drawn up new versions of Lara. Indeed, one for every member of the family: mum, dad, gran, grandad and the younger sister. There's no need to redesign her for the teenage boy because that's just regular Lara. So, Mr or Ms Eidos, when you decide to run with these, please make the cheque payable to Mr Justin Towell. Yes, that's two 'L's...

Gran's Lara is such a nice young girl. She wears nice, practical shoes and a skirt from Laura Ashley. Oh, and she covers up her figure from prying eyes with a nice cardigan. She carries around a basket full of kittens, which she uses... well, for everything and nothing, really. They're just so adorable! And Gran's Lara is always calm is a crisis, as she always carries a tea urn and three cups. Why three? Well, you never know who's going to drop in at 11, even in the Greek underworld.

This is Lara in the style of Bratz. We can't think of anything more annoying, but hey, it sells. Look - she's got her designer handbag, shiny skin and hair that's perfect for a new grooming sub-game in the DS version. As for that gun, don't worry, it fires unicorn bubbles. And the caked-on make-up? Well... they grow up so quickly these days, don't they?

Next page: Grandad's Lara shows some ankle!


  • MrQueenie - April 7, 2010 11:26 p.m.

    Great, now make a Lara for the 15 year old son, and everyone will be happy
  • PlatypusFan - July 29, 2009 12:50 a.m.

    @super2j ya u can but those sites give u viruses
  • Hellwilder - July 26, 2009 6:44 p.m.

    Grandad's Lady Croft is sexeh
  • thejadefalcon - January 28, 2009 1:43 p.m.

    Thank you, Chiropteran. To be honest, I was expecting the only responses to be only the lines of "shut the f*ck up". I suppose I should add that it was the comments I was annoyed at. The article was, as usual, pretty funny.
  • super2j - January 25, 2009 11:09 p.m.

    I dont understand this obsession of "have her naked" mentallity, it just hurts the image of all gamers. If your that interested in that kind of stuff why not just goto to internet, there are a lot of sites that can fulfill your desires. Lara doesnt need to shed anymore clothe. This article is funny and good job with the pictures, no matter how much you stereotyped the audience.
  • doomdoomdoom - January 25, 2009 3:52 p.m.

    These ideas suck just have her fully nude and end this goddamn artical
  • Tidus53 - January 25, 2009 4:22 a.m.

  • DaBadGuy - January 25, 2009 3:35 a.m.

    I okay, wheres the teenage Lara, I guess she would be basically nude, which now that I think of it, isn't such a bad thing, IDK what the problem is even now, so what, Tanktop and Shorts, big deal.
  • key0blade - January 24, 2009 1:33 p.m.

    That was interesting
  • jimsondanet - January 24, 2009 6:19 a.m.

    naw what lara needs is an optional 1st person view in which when we look down we can actually see her body ...jiggle =D oh an a 'bullet time' the recovers with time, not action you know for da jiggle! an the mirrors edge style would neato too
  • souleater77 - January 24, 2009 5:53 a.m.

    good, someone else got it too
  • SheetSandwich - January 24, 2009 3:14 a.m.

    Ha ha ha, funny, guys. I have always appreciated your collective fearlessness in the way of comedic articles in your news updates. One of the things that keeps me comming back.
  • darkwolf777 - January 23, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    Dads lara croft would sell more games but a tomb raider where lara is always naked (without a patch) is gold
  • DeadGirls - January 23, 2009 10:16 p.m.

    ^-- What an asshole. reCAPTCHA: contagious ho
  • DeadGirls - January 23, 2009 10:07 p.m.

    Heh, pretty funny guys. Has every game developer gone fucking stupid? In this case-- They have a problem: Q. Why isn't our game selling as many units as we want it to? A. [Apparent to anyone with a fully functioning brain] Because we need to make the GAME BETTER. A. [To these clown-shoes] Umm..Ah..Er.. Because our main character isn't 'mainstream' enough? It is disheartening to think that not one person in the company has the brains to say, "Look, if we de-sex Lara all that will happen is we are going to alienate the fan base we already have (most of whom are horny teenage boys, or were when the first game came out) and lose the potential to attract others initially drawn to the game because of Lara's sex appeal. Instead, maybe we should focus on making more compelling gameplay instead of rehashing the same thing since 1996. Also, we could try hiring some REAL writers, to make the story more interesting."
  • yoyoguy - January 23, 2009 12:48 p.m.

    wow. did you guys do this all by yourself? great job!
  • cronoman66 - January 23, 2009 12:47 p.m.

    "so every once in a while you might just catch a glimpse of petticoat. Or ankle! (gasp)" so awesome I just have visions of lara croft playing bowling or tennis, or something "Family Friendly" shudder, Underworld wasn't exactly bad, i think Lara needs a reinvention but whatever Eidos is thinking I pray to god she doesn't get cartoony-fied and made into a kidz(emphasis on the z) game
  • PlatypusFan - July 29, 2009 12:49 a.m.

    lol the gun shoots unicorn bubbles
  • sakboy97 - January 27, 2009 10:01 p.m.

    i liked the dad one and the lil' sis one :P
  • MGS4SolidSnake - January 26, 2009 11:23 p.m.

    i personally think its weird that u guys want to see her naked i mean c'mon its basically a cartoon character

Showing 1-20 of 32 comments

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