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Grisly Disney

We hear you kids in the back: “Disney is nothing but kiddy bullshit! There’s no way Kingdom Hearts can be hardcore with Mickey Mouse in it.” Really, mister? Then you have no sense of history and you’re about to get some. Wipe away those knee jerk images of princesses and dancing cats - we’re about to expose the bloody, black powder underbelly of Disney’s hardcore legacy of sheer brutality!


WARNING: ARTICLE CONTAINS SENSATIONALIZED IMAGES USED COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT (Enjoy!) 

Okay, not really. The truth is that the animated shorts that gave life to Mickey, Donald, and Goofy were meant to appeal to everybody. They premiered in theaters long before there was even such a thing as an R rating. Sure, it bowled the little ones over with some colorful song and dance, but you also had jokes about alcohol, tobacco, guns, death and taxes. Something for the kids, something for the adults. You could go as far as to call Disney the Pixar of its day!


Above: This Disney movie has a higher onscreen body count than Commando, Gladiator and Total Recall 

People forget that some of these cartoons originated SEVENTY YEARS AGO. As the times changed, certain Disney aspects became… less timeless. As each new generation experienced them, we can assume new parents got a little more tired of explaining to their kids why they shouldn’t set bears on fire, buy war bonds, and never, ever wear blackface. Offending scenes were trimmed, entire films got locked in the vault, and eventually their original appeal became all but a memory.

So, if today’s yoga addicted, SUV-driving adults want to toss out several decades worth of violence, murder and mayhem because they can’t handle it, that’s fine – but we’re certain you gamers can take it.


HANGING

Today we look at death by hanging as monstrous and barbaric, but back then the purveyors of fun at Disney saw its comedic potential! Just look at how many times it’s happened to Donald:

Hockey Champ | 1939

Dumbbell of the Yukon | 1946


Above: Hey, wait! Donald’s only thinking about hanging a baby bear. That doesn’t count! 

Wait for it…


Above: WHAT?! 

Whoops, sorry… here it is:


Above: There we go! 

Tarzan | 1999

But for a truly gruesome hanging, you need look no further than one of Disney’s more recent films: Tarzan, an animated film packed with grisly imagery… Did we just call a ten year old movie recent?


Above: WAAAAH! Baby Death! 

Say what you will about the company being a bunch of callous pussies, at least Disney didn’t shy away from Edgar Rice Burroughs’s source material.


Above: Parenting FAIL? 

Oh, but the hanging! Tarzan’s hanging scene stands as one of the more horrifying deaths ever depicted in a modern G-rated movie. The film ends with a climatic brawl between the titular ape man and Clayton, Slayer of Beasts. While caught in some vines, Clayton begins to slash blindly at Tarzan with a machete. Carelessly disregarding any thought to his own safety, Clayton inadvertently weaves himself an organic cat’s cradle… for his neck. Oh, goodness


INFANTICIDE

Alice in Wonderland | 1951

Man, there’s a lot going on in this film. So, when Disney took a break from animating musical numbers around obsessive compulsive psychopaths, hookah smoking, magic mushroom consumption, and other family friendly imagery brought to you by the mind of a pedophile, they spun a cautionary tale of indulgence and curiosity known as The Walrus and the Carpenter. Although, most would remember it as a comedic depiction of eating babies.


Above: Ain’t they cute?! 

The cigar smoking Walrus lures the bonnet shelled scamps away from their ocean bed dwelling grandmother with sing-songy promises of a world unseen. Tra la la.


Above: D’awwwww 

Of course, one shouldn’t set a course for youthful adventure on an empty stomach, so the Carpenter whips together a swanky dining establishment. All seems promising… Until the kids find out what’s on the menu.

 

Is all hope lost for the adorable oyster babies?! Surely, some hero will swoop in and rescue the younglings in the nick of time?! There are kids in the theater!


Above: Oh… 

99 comments

  • yetanotherCid304 - April 19, 2011 11:02 p.m.

    Parenting-Fail!! lol
  • WelcomeGhosts10 - December 11, 2010 7:35 p.m.

    this is an amazing article, but mostly upset I missed "Week of Disney" :(
  • Smeggs - June 9, 2010 5:24 a.m.

    "Lightning Kill! Fall-To-Your-Death Kill! Crush Kill! Eaten Alive Kill! QUADRAKILL!" I was laughing so hard reading this part. Wouldn't it be an Overkill though? Four kills all within four seconds of each other.
  • axelgarcia1 - June 9, 2010 1:26 a.m.

    “Sit your ass down… Hu-Ha! best quote ever! XD
  • hybrid616 - January 9, 2010 8:07 p.m.

    it's actually meant as a parody of nazis and was used as american propoganda...
  • Alfredhitchshot23 - October 17, 2009 2:16 a.m.

    Well I know Disney could get a little messy, we all do, but for Cryin' out loud, Donald Duck as a F*cking NAZI?!?!?!?!
  • Kytl - October 5, 2009 10:29 p.m.

    whoa, Disney even had eating babies?
  • rxb - October 1, 2009 3:03 p.m.

    Just heard the podcast, good article.
  • EmmaXII - September 30, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    D:
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - September 29, 2009 12:40 a.m.

    "If you put a gun to our heads and made us choose one reason why we pity the youth of today, it’s that they’ll never know the beauty of a suicide gag." Don't worry, Chris - so long as today's youth have Drinky Crow, there'll always be plenty of suicide gags to go around.
  • SgtPoppenfresh - September 28, 2009 11:46 p.m.

    This article was awesome hope you guys make more of them...keep up the awesomely funny work.
  • GameManiac - September 28, 2009 6:35 p.m.

    Why aren't modern cartoons LIKE this?!?!?!?!
  • Romination - September 28, 2009 5:31 a.m.

    so...was the Aracuan a revolutionary? Der Furher's Face has the best song i've heard today..
  • dannage805 - September 27, 2009 5:04 p.m.

    who doesn't like camp flute playin nazi's?
  • pikachu2000 - September 27, 2009 3:05 p.m.

    Damn, I really miss the good old days of cartoon volence. Sadly, today's American cartoons are gross and full of boring ass shit (both ways), and anime is kicking their asses ever since 2000. Blame it all on the hypocrite soccer moms. Hey, how about doing an article about those Warner Bros. cartoons later in the future? The old school looney tunes are just as crazy as the old Walt Disney cartoons.
  • Phantasmagorical - September 27, 2009 10:07 a.m.

    ... I miss my old cartoons.
  • Yeager1122 - September 26, 2009 9:01 p.m.

    oops double post sorry
  • Yeager1122 - September 26, 2009 9:01 p.m.

    Pinochio f****** Dies lmao that was hilarious.
  • Yeager1122 - September 26, 2009 9 p.m.

    Pinochio f****** Dies lmao that was hilarious.
  • GrandMoffBubbles - September 26, 2009 11:43 a.m.

    I would like to take issue with the "Infanticide" part of the article. It is common knowledge that baby oysters are the most tasty of the mollusk clan. I personally like to get them from a locally harvested Oyestermonger (usually someone who has waterfront property and wants to make a buck). These lil delights are best enjoyed (in my opinion) smoked over a campfire (or BBQ) and slurped up moments after the shell pops opens to reveal the fleshy goodness within. Bon Appetite, mutha fukkars! P.S. smoke is the key ingredient.

Showing 1-20 of 99 comments

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