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Grand Theft Radar: Hooker Beauty Contest

Heroes, cities and decades change, but in the world of Grand Theft Auto, the hard-working hooker will forever remain. No matter what the year or console, we can always count on her to patrol our virtual streets.

Isn't it time, then, that this beloved gaming icon received the spotlight she deserves? And more importantly, isn't it fun to laugh at really cruddy last-gen graphics? We think so - which is why we've rounded up every prostitute we could find and pitted them against each other in a shamelessly shallow competition of "who's prettiest?" Or, as you'll soon see, "who looks the least like your high school gym teacher?"

Helping us judge these lovely-ish ladies is GamesRadar head honcho Stephen Pierce, a graduate of The London College of Fashion and our industry's acerbic answer to Simon Cowell. As for the images and quotes, thank Rockstar... and pray they have something more appealing planned for GTA IV.


Hometown: Las Venturas

Favorite quote: "Hello?! That's my tits, you asshole!"

Stephen's critique: Face-wise, she's one of the prettier ladies in the GTA whorescape. Look past the bewitching muzzle, however, and you'll see a disappointing attitude to social politics. Of course, she'll go naked rather than wear fur, but it'll cost you big.


Hometown: Los Santos

Favorite quote: "You'd look happier if I was sitting on you."

Stephen's critique: This lantern-jawed monstrosity is making the best of what she has with a tasteful lycra knocker-squeezer and leatherish mini. However for any discerning gentleman of the evening, those wide-screen hips and rugby-player pins make her second choice out of one.


Hometown: San Fierro

Favorite quote: "Maybe I should go to cosmetology school..."

Stephen's critique: It's advisable to be pretty if you're going to attempt the slick-back hairdo. Sadly, this horse-face falls at the first post. She's jazzing up her vibe with leopard-skin flounce-wear, and a skirt and boots combo that used to be one garment before she took the scissors to them. Her bright white undercrackers are sticking out too. That's international chic right there.

3 comments

  • 2RFL7 - October 25, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    Rockstar really makes some realistic ladies of the night!
  • Chiropteran - November 29, 2008 5:40 p.m.

    Just a thought. Maybe these, um, ladies are supposed to be ugly. I mean, what little I know of real hookers from newspapers and, interestingly, museum displays of photographs, shows most of them to look no better than, and some rather worse that those portrayed here. Is Rockstar making them unappealing for a reason? Like, don't play here?
  • scbyfn4evr - April 28, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    Ahuh. Newspapers. What little I know of hookers came from newspapers too. As did my chlamydia. ....newspapers.

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