Gaming's most dangerous snowmen

I’ve desired a new TimeSplitters game for a good part of a decade, and some of my favorite aspects of the franchise are encapsulated by its snowmen. On the surface, the campaign is a self-serious exploration of different timelines, mainly used as a way to pull together a number of unconnected stories and settings. But a moment with multiplayer shows that TimeSplitters fully embraces its goofier qualities in levels like Snow Business.

The team deathmatch stage gives you a flamethrower and asks you to burn all the snowmen in sight--and they’re trying to do the same to you. The gleeful snow arsonists are more than happy to burn you to death, which makes it all the sweeter to set them ablaze as they scream “I’m melting!” Finishing Snow Business unlocks snowmen in regular multiplayer, letting loose the bloodthirsty snow people for all to enjoy/burn.

Now these are murderous snowmen I can support. I really want these frozen jerks to off the walking embodiment of noxious ‘90s dude-ittude that is Duke Nukem. Sadly, it was not to be in the goofball (and poorly received) expansion pack Nuclear Winter, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still root for those guys via an entry on this list.

Nuclear Winter’s intentionally silly plot sees Santa Claus kidnapped and brainwashed by the Feminist Elven Militia (barf), which is mainly used as an excuse to replay old Nukem 3D levels that are now covered in snow. The bad guys use magical snowmen to battle Duke, and the frozen dudes often work as simple sentries thanks to their lack of working legs. However, their snowballs can be surprisingly damaging to Duke, so either they throw them really hard, or Duke is a secret wuss. I know which theory I believe.

Fire-breathing dragons are dangerous no matter what you’re made of (unless you’re a Hobbit, those guys are seemingly dragon-proof). But snowmen in particular should fear the mythical creatures, even purple, shrimpy ones like Spyro. That’s why it’s so surprising that they can get so aggressive in Spyro: Year of the Dragon.

The snowmen of the Frozen Altars are fine if you give them their space, but when approached they lift you up and throttle you within an inch of your life. Spyro mostly just has to avoid these weirdos until he can find the lasers needed to effectively melt them, and he’ll no doubt be seeing them in his nightmares long after this mission. I mean, just look at the carrots on their heads! That’s messed up.

The 2D mash-up of Metroid and Minecraft turned out to be a surprise hit over the last couple years, spreading from PC to Xbox Live and PSN in 2013. Normally the game tasks players with defending their homestead from the Goblin Army, but the holiday themed event Frost Legion replaced those fantasy creatures with shotgun-wielding snowmen.

Wave after wave of more than 100 snowmen chase after the hero in this mode. Some just throw snowballs, but others carry a knife or blast at you with a gun, all while wearing a pasted-on grin. At least you’re in for a treat if you can outlast the frosty jerks--you’ll get a holiday gift from the man himself, Santa Claus.

In a world of colorful mascot platformers, Earthworm Jim was one of the earliest to come at the genre with any sense of humor or satire. We’re not saying it had spectacular writing, but it’s hard not to laugh at launching a cow in the air or shooting a guy that belches out giant fish. Good old Rusty is a perfect example of the game’s style: he’s a snowy badass that not only exists in Hell, but breathes fire and destroys players without much effort.

Stationed in the Hell--er, Heck levels, Rusty happily coexists with demons, then goes after Jim while displaying the same coal smile. Rusty’s brief appearance in the original game was expanded in the HD remake, where the snow beast teleports around Jim, breathing fire in his general direction. And just as before, the miniboss eventually falls to the might of Jim’s laser gun, though even in death he refuses to melt.

Honestly, this entire list could’ve just been “Mario’s most dangerous snowmen.” Flurries, Mr. Blizzard, and Dr. Freezegood are just a few of the snow monsters the plumber has battled over the years, but in the interest of brevity, I’ll limit myself to his most colossal encounter. Sorbetti controls the Freezy Flake Galaxy, and his body is big enough to take up a small planet.

Shaped like an icier version of standard enemy Tap-Tap, Sorbetti works like most Mario enemies--meaning he relentlessly chases the plumber and is defeated by getting hit three times. Perhaps Sorbetti would do better against Nintendo’s mascot if he used his arms in addition to his free roaming head to try to kill Mario. Also, if his name is anything to go by, this snowman stands out from the pack as the only Italian on the list. Way to represent, pizan!

I don’t know what’s going on with this snowman, and--given Rule of Rose’s weird tale of childhood trauma--I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.

Those are the snowmen that have scared me over the years, but you likely have your own favorite frozen warriors. Feel free to share them in the comments below, just refrain from starting a virtual snowball fight.

And if you're looking for more snowy fun, check out the top 7 games where you fight Santa and the top 7 winter wonderlands.