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Gaming's greatest Fatties

Just in time for George Washington's birthday, GamesRadar is proud to present a completely unrelated article about fat people. Fatties are everywhere these days. Your next door neighbor could be a chubbster. More than likely, your mom is one, too. Oh, Snap!

But we’re not here to poke fun - we love our paunchy brothers and sisters!
However, the media seems obsessed with portraying obesity as an epidemic. McDonald’s and certain soda jerks are even blaming games for society’s leap in lard, rather than the carbonated sugar water with every meal of deep-fried ranch dressing.

Poppycock! These are the rotund role models that prove “fat is all that." And so the entire world can share in this tribute to gaming’s definitive mush-pots, we've provided a weight equivalent for some international Fatty perspective.

THE HEAVY
From:
Team Fortress 2
Weighs as much as: Two Medics and 17 Scouts

As you may expect, this Slavic slob is an offensive force to be reckoned with. His partner in portliness is a weapon he affectionately refers to as Sasha. Big gun, huh? Well, it has to be when you have fingers the size of holiday cheese logs.

Fattest Achievement:
When Valve unveiled their “Meet the Team” TF2 spots, this corpulent commando was the first one featured. There’s fat in your eye!

THE BLOB
From:
The X-men series
Weighs as much as: 2.5 Sentinel torsos

Too hot for the X-men to hold, this former circus freak throws his weight around with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. He claims to be immovable, but trusted sources report that he sheds the occasional tear while watching Grey’s Anatomy.

Fattest Achievement:
Even though he could easily use his own gravitational pull to his advantage, in the X-men arcade game he’s a good enough sport to simply clobber people with a spiked mace.

LARS UMLAUT
From:
The Guitar Hero series
Weighs as much as: A 600 watt Blue Voodoo amplifier

If aging rock stars like Vince Neil and Meatloaf have taught us anything, it’s that you can pack on the pounds and still bang groupies by the limo-full. And you can see by Umlaut’s manly muffin-top, he’s ten tons of rock in a five-pound bag. Plus, he looks to be inspired by heartthrob Demonaz (right), of the incredibly serious black metal band, Immortal.

Fattest Achievement:
Legend has it that the gallon of crude oil Lars chugs before going onstage is what creates his fire breath after a show-stopping performance.

6 comments

  • nasa - April 7, 2009 6:13 a.m.

    Very Nice article as always. I was surprised to see CJ on here though. Oh, and um... ... first! *Hides*
  • Hobojedi - June 17, 2009 9:57 p.m.

    You can't really get much bigger than the Stay Puft' Man.
  • ryno - July 5, 2009 4:35 a.m.

    Pey'j rules i hope he's playable in the sequil he could use his jet boots
  • MooseKnuckle753 - May 26, 2009 10:42 p.m.

    lol
  • olio - June 4, 2009 2:53 p.m.

    Pokey, aka, Porky, from the Earthbound/Mother series is a pretty epic fatty. A real ass, too.
  • gmknoble - June 7, 2010 11:52 p.m.

    The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and the Michelin Man must be cousins. Too bad the Michelin Man hasn't made it to any games yet.

Showing 1-6 of 6 comments

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