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Cute game worlds that would be hell to actually live in

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If there's one thing Big Bird, Elmo and that weird-ass thing that lives in a bin have taught us, it's that you can never judge a book by its cover. Take the following cute-looking game worlds, for instance. If they were pieces of literature they'd have bunnies and sunflowers on the cover... and then the pages of Mein Kampf inside. Yup, these virtual universes may look serene and adorable, but in reality, they'd be hell to live in.


Viva Piñata’s garden


On the surface…


Above: Awwwww


Above: Awwwwwwwwwwwww


Above: D’awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

An idyllic paradise, filled with frolicking creatures, whose sole purpose is to look cuter than a Care Bear cuddling a Furby in a field of wobbling Weebles. Made of candy, joy and the hopes and dreams of kittens, these friendly piñatas have not a care in the world, as they casually graze around their gentle, laidback garden world.

Beneath the surface…

Holy shit.

Dig a little deeper beyond the façade and you’ll find a world that houses an ecosystem more savage than the f*cking Serengeti. Vicious predators roam the land, commanded by a fanatical lunatic known as Professor Pester. Their only mandate? To destroy property, maim and poison any poor bastard that gets in their way and generally devote themselves to a life of chaos like the Joker… if he was made out of sour bonbons. Personally, we’d rather go on safari in a convertible while covered from head to toe in uncooked lamb chops.


Beautiful Katamari's galaxy


On the surface...

Well shucks. What a charming universe of unbridled wonder. We're going to start looking for condos tomorrow. In Katamari's world everything is all sunshine, daffodils and elephant tranquilisers, as the King of All Cosmos passes the time by playing tennis in paradise with his smoking hot, really angular wife.

And look, here's his son the Prince merrily rolling about a comically oversized ball. How could anything go wrong?


Above: It all starts out innocently enough...

Beneath the surface...

Yeeaahhh, turns out it's not such a peacful paradise. Instead, it's actually founded on paternal pressure, wanton destruction of property and nearly destroying the whole shitting universe with a tennis ball.

After the King of All Cosmos rips a whole in space which sucks up countless planets and extinguishes so much sentient life the Jedis will be having migraines for decades, he sends his son to fix the problem...

BY DESTROYING EVERYTHING ON EARTH.

That's right, his son is charged with rolling up everything he can find with that huge adhesive ball to plug up a black hole. Y'know, those things that do wacky shit with time and are officially the scariest thing in the whole of existence.

Af first the Prince starts small scale. A bit of litter here, a Big Mac there.


Above: Oh sure, rolling up a bunch of cheaply processed meat seems harmless...

But soon he's sucking up skyscrapers and war veterans' afforable housing into his giant ball of doom.


Above: But soon you and all your worldy possessions are being sucked up

Just imagine living in a world where the constant threat of being flattened along with everyone and thing you love looms over you like the Sword of Damocles at every waking moment.


Yeah, we'll take our chances with the Viva Piñata death garden, thank you very much.

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35 comments

  • metalrichdog - January 3, 2011 8:18 a.m.

    ok the pikmin thing about protesting pikmin3 is screwed up. the game is very fun.
  • christopheblaize - August 10, 2010 3:30 p.m.

    dude this sh*t is halarious
  • redalert3 - July 19, 2010 7:45 p.m.

    here's a good idea, evil cute planet. try that for a sequel
  • redalert3 - July 19, 2010 7:44 p.m.

    well, one thing for sure is that every mario game is terrible to live in. Oh, but don't forget rabbids go home, on the inside, it looks nice and the rabbids are all fluffy and white, but when in the game, thw humans try to kill you with flamethrowers and dogs with raibies. also there are countles times where you are above a bottomless pit, being held up by a fan spinning you 100 mph, and you can only hold on to the shopping cart for dear life. There are tons of evil, yet cute looking games out there.
  • EvilInkarnate - July 16, 2010 9:38 a.m.

    Ahhhh Pikmin 3. When will it happen?? I lol'd at the end of the Lil' Big Planet one. Spice Girls and Justin Bieber. That kids screwed when his balls finally drop.
  • Cwf2008 - July 9, 2010 7:22 a.m.

    excuse me i think i need to go to the hospital. i may have broken some ribs from laughing too hard...and possibly bruised my butt from laughing myself off the chair
  • Lycanthrokeith - July 9, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    RE: Katamari - Not to mention being jammed to the sticky ball, suffering nausea and vertigo from being constantly rolled and turned and bashed against things, before finally being shot out into the cold airless vacuum of space to face an uncertain fate inside said black hole. RE: Pikmin - See Penny Arcade, who took a close up look at those "adorable" little Pikmin, and determined them to be basically walking space piranha.
  • philipshaw - July 8, 2010 10:43 a.m.

    Only Meiks would think like this,quality work
  • GameManiac - July 8, 2010 2:31 a.m.

    I swear, when I read the title of this article, I thought it was a spin-off of the "Top 7 Gory Deaths in Cutesy Games." The pictures with Mario committing suicide, Olimar abandoning his pikmin, and Viva Pinata hell...LOL gold.
  • V13Dragongal - July 8, 2010 1:41 a.m.

    Wow..I'll never think the same way about Mario party again.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - July 8, 2010 12:53 a.m.

    I remember Pikmin having being mentioned as cruel somewhere before this list, but can't remember where... Meh, probably Zero Punctuation. I notice that was Pikmin 2 you used for the photos, too... BTW, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN MY FANTASIES ABOUT LIVING AS A SACKBOY?! YOU MONSTERS! :'( ReCaptcha: "behalf arousing"... Completely disturbing
  • enlargedhousecats - July 7, 2010 9:15 p.m.

    hey, that genitalia is from spore!
  • mubobi7593 - July 7, 2010 8:07 p.m.

    ^ At least someone else caught that. :P OT: Great article!
  • Conman93 - July 7, 2010 7:16 p.m.

    What about Windwaker. If u don't have a boat, ur fucked!
  • Fuzunga - July 7, 2010 7:02 p.m.

    Those heartless dastards.
  • mightyboosh - July 7, 2010 6:03 p.m.

    LBP screen shot has got some seriously scaley penises
  • presc1ence - July 7, 2010 5:57 p.m.

    i take it you mean exstinguishes not distinguishes? lol! very amusesome article!
  • DoctorCrazy - July 7, 2010 5:53 p.m.

    I love the picture with old Private Ryan. I bet it was a nice porch too.
  • KnightDehumidifier - July 7, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    Oh wait, what about Kirby's world? While everything is all cuddly and cute, there is sentient spike orbs, cannons firing every which way, an adorable yet vengeful king, a shadowy relentless warrior, and let's not forget that almost every Kirby game has an underlying nightmarish fiend hellbent of dooming the cheerful land.
  • DustyRooster - July 7, 2010 5:09 p.m.

    Great job Meiks!!! Your photoshop skills are a sharp and funny as ever. The paragraph about Viva Pinata after the photos, had me laughing louder at work than I should.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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