In the opening scene of Boulder Dash - yep, the earth-burrowing, rock-dodging, gem-collecting puzzler is back - our hero - Rockford - offers his sweetheart Gwen a diamond the size of her head. Her eyes widen, a kiss seems assured… and then Rockford’s nemesis, an octopus, appears on the scene with an equally gob-dropping gem. “Wow, that’s quite big too…” murmurs the fickle, moon-faced hussy.
There’s a lesson here, everyone. If someone only likes you for the presents you give them, they’re probably not worth talking to - and if they’re prepared to force you through several dozen levels of grinding, repetitive gem-hoovering, then you need to avoid them like a boulder in the skull. To be fair, BDR is faithful to the original games - although it’s been made more forgiving for modern gamers - but why would you want to play Boulder Dash in this day and age? It’s only moderately nicer looking than the BBC micro version we put up with as four-year-olds, and only slightly more entertaining. Gwen can piss off and marry that octopus.
Mar 28, 2008