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A rotting pile of gaming's cutest undead

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Sure, living things are cute. Puppies, kittens, select grandmothers etc. But it takes something really special to remain adorable even after being violently murdered and reanimated as a shambling undead monstrosity. These select undead have shed the stigmas of unsightly exposed organs and rotting flesh to become truly squeal-worthy creatures of the night, capable of pulling a “OMGIWantToSqueezeItUntilItsBrainsComeOut!!!” reaction from any teenage girl. And for that they’ve earned our undying respect.


Dry Bones (Super Mario Bros)

Bonesy’s a real innovator on the cute-dead circuit, one of the first video game superstars to transform something that’s already considered cute into an even more adorable undead iteration. With his never-say-die attitude (even when repeatedly stomped to bits) and wide, glassy, gravestone eyes, Dry Bones shambles his way into your heart and stays there. Forever.

Cutest feature: His totally fleshless svelteness is an inspiration to anorexics the world over.

Endearing flaw: Looks dreamy even when mindlessly walking off the edge of ledges and tumbling into infinite pits.

Cuter than:


Grave Spirits (Ghosts n’ Goblins)

We admit, angels are cute, with their fluffy wings and androgynous “should I be fantasizing about screwing this?” gender confusion. But for the most part, they kinda all look the same. Grave spirits up the demonic ante by adding darling little beaks and a insatiable thirst for murder to the feathered-wing formula; what, after all, is cuter than the tormented souls of the dead being twisted and warped by Satan to forever stalk the earth in search of human flesh?

Answer: nothing.

Cutest feature: Not only are grave spirits cuties themselves, but they also have the power to cutify their victims by transforming them into frogs (before pecking them to bloody chunks). Squee!

Endearing flaw: Apparently some people DON’T like having the meat pecked from their bones. Losers.

Cuter than:


Ghosts (Dragon Warrior)

Giant, colorful dragons may be the stars in Dragon Warrior, but where “adorability” is concerned, ghosts are the cream of the crop. With their jaunty hats, mocking expressions and desire to recruit you into their eternal condemnation, ghosts are almost as much fun to fap to as to kill for precious experience points.

Cutest feature: Those long red tongues provide decades of pleasure, even in the afterlife.

Endearing flaw: Inability to make physical contact with them only makes our longing stronger.

Cuter than:


Zombies (Zombie Panic in Wonderland)

Let’s face it, zombies are pretty dishy. Like mildly retarded puppies, they stagger around banging into walls and bouncing off objects, moaning all the while about how hungry they are and how all they want is to nom nom nom on truckloads of human brains. But those found in Zombie Panic in Wonderland really push the cuteness envelope (which we assume is heart-shaped): they’re delightfully anime, “amorous” and want to exterminate humanity by HUGGING IT TO DEATH. Love, thy name is zombie.

Cutest features: Spiky, decaying hair for days.

Endearing flaws: Sure, they’ll go down if you shoot them, but why would you SHOOT THEM?  HUGZ.

Cuter than:

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20 comments

  • AuthorityFigure - March 13, 2011 10:11 a.m.

    The shot of that dead turtle on the beach is actually a very sombre shot. Very sad...
  • Mumb00 - March 10, 2011 3:18 a.m.

    EXTREME indignation for the most glaring of omissions! How, in the name of Tim Schafer, could the most thoroughly adorable undead character in this universe, and every other universe like it, not have been given so much as an honorable mention when she should have been given the top billing for this whole article?!?! I am referring to, and this explains my Tim Schafer reference, to Lupe, the coat-check girl/skeleton in Grim Fandango! She has a zest for life that the actual living don't have and her voice, provided courtesy of a Terri Ivens as I am informed by IMDB, is the kind of slightly raspy that one can get from yelling YAY!! at every slight nuance of her post-mortem existence, particularly when bossman Manny gives her a chance to describe her patented coat-check system! Cuter than: try to picture a prim and proper butler taking your coat when arriving for the box social.
  • Vulneratus - March 9, 2011 10:02 p.m.

    I could never figure out what the hell those things in the original Tomb Raider were!! I thought they were mummies with an identity crisis! Cats, you say? Entertaining and informative as always GR
  • TheWebSwinger - March 9, 2011 9:56 p.m.

    Ha! He wrote "fuck". I thought only Tdar had the privilege...
  • philipshaw - March 9, 2011 8:35 p.m.

    Quality feature
  • jackthemenace - March 9, 2011 4:55 p.m.

    Can I just point out, the practically undead/immortal Bees from MGS3's The Pain boss fight weren't cute, they were F*CKING ANNOYING.
  • Fr00b - March 9, 2011 3:01 p.m.

    those were mummified CATS?
  • thecakeisalie96 - March 9, 2011 4:56 a.m.

    Go dry bones ill never stop stomping on you
  • SwishiestB0g - March 9, 2011 2:30 a.m.

    I could've given you the best (read = most horrific) picture for mummified cats! If only I had known! As usual you make me love you GR.
  • D0CCON - March 9, 2011 1:01 a.m.

    What about Gengar? Oh wait, he isn't cute, just badass.
  • Memph - March 9, 2011 12:34 a.m.

    Metal Slug 2 mummies and Metal Slug 3 zombies deserving of a mention methinks.
  • grizzly311 - March 8, 2011 11:35 p.m.

    Dry Bones was a beast in Mario Tennis.
  • garnsr - March 8, 2011 11:35 p.m.

    I just had some Count Chocula for the first time in ages. Pretty good.
  • Austin_SJ - March 8, 2011 11:23 p.m.

    The count is my facebook pic right now. Otherwise I hate this article for providing pro-zombie propoganda for the eventual apocalypse.
  • NightCrawler_358 - March 8, 2011 10:39 p.m.

    I'm surprised that Plants vs Zombies wasn't on the list, but i really like Dry Bones.
  • ninjaemperor - March 8, 2011 10:15 p.m.

    OMG, does GR have uncensored fucks now, or did that slip by the editors?
  • Bearplane - March 8, 2011 9:51 p.m.

    how can Plants vs Zombies not be mentioned here.
  • bobbybroccoli - March 8, 2011 9:20 p.m.

    What? No Bongo-Bongo? It's a pair of giant hands! Playing a bongo!
  • db1331 - March 8, 2011 9:16 p.m.

    Dry Bones is one of the coolest video game baddies, period. From his name to the fact that he just keeps coming back, he is awesome.
  • FrozenImplosion - March 8, 2011 9:16 p.m.

    Tag = my reaction Otherwise, interesting article.

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