No Babes Week would be complete without a look back at the ladies of 007. James Bond is the original womanizer, using his debonair good looks to charm his way into the pants of slinky double agents or bored (and possibly kidnapped) heiresses. We’ll take a look at how the girls have evolved over time, comparing their appearances across game titles and hardware generations. We’ll also evaluate the videogame versions against the real actresses wherever possible. The entries are ordered chronologically, by first appearance in a James Bond game.
In the early days, there was a shocking lack of eye candy in 007 games. Bond fans had to put up with text-based adventures, pinball and console crap like James Bond: The Duel or James Bond: The Stealth Affair.
James Bond: The Duel | James Bond: The Stealth Affair
Then the James Bond license took a turn for the worse with the short-lived James Bond Jr. animated series, which followed the superspy’s nephew’s adventures. The spinoff brand also excreted toys, a 12-issue run with Marvel, and to our delight/outrage an NES game. The game, however, has no bearing on this article because we’re pretty sure this screen proves that James Bond Jr. was into dudes.
James Bond Jr: Not hatin’, just sayin’
Goldeneye on N64 launched the 007 franchise into the videogame stratosphere. In the film, Natalya was played by the beautiful Izabella Scorupco. Strangely, her digital counterpart’s broad shoulders and mannish arms made us wonder if 007 had accidentally wandered into The Crying Game.
“Er, James, there’s something you don’t know about me…”
With Xenia Onnatop, the best way to illustrate the difference between film and game is with video. First enjoy Famke Janssen’s inspired performance as the ultraviolent dominatrix and quintessential Bond villainess. Then, wallow in the game’s crude graphics and standard mission structure that leave Xenia utterly bereft of the kinky persona we love. Goldeneye the Game did so many things right and will always be a classic, but it was far from capturing Xenia’s character.
Xenia showed up again as a multiplayer character in 2002’s Nightfire and also appeared in Goldeneye: Rogue Agent, making her the most reprised Bond girl of all time (in videogames, at least.)
Top to bottom: Goldeneye (film), Nightfire, Goldeneye (game); character render from Goldeneye: Rogue Agent
Goldeneye’s much-revered multiplayer included May Day, the character played by Grace Jones in A View to a Kill. She comes up again as a multiplayer option in Nightfire. Ms. Day’s videogame career is limited to these multiplayer guest appearances, unless you count the 1985 A View to a Kill text adventure (we don’t).
Top: Goldeneye, bottom: Nightfire; photo of Grace Jones from A View to a Kill
Teri Hatcher was not at her hottest in Tomorrow Never Dies, and her digital avatar is uninspired as well. In many ways, we prefer the silly cartooniness of 2D 8-bit over these horrifying attempts at 3D.
Why fugly her up so badly when Teri Hatcher can be this hot?
Michelle Yeoh is by all accounts a superhottie, even more so because she’s a bad-ass kung fu master. Her oatmealy rendering in Tomorrow Never Dies and her grotesque appearance in Nightfire’s multiplayer remove all the grace and charm from an otherwise desirable character. We’re going to have to watch Crouching Tiger again to rinse our eyeballs of this horror.
Left to right: Nightfire, Tomorrow Never Dies, Reality