As a man that makes a living writing words of varying quality about video games, I am contractually obliged to hold the opinion that video games are better than anything else in the world. And because it's Christmas I am also contractually obliged to write something 'seasonal'. So I thought I might as well combine these two contractual obligations and make a feature explaining why video games are better than Christmas. Two birds, one stone. Here it is...
Christmas is the most expensive time in the world. Even thinking about Christmas will send you spiralling into terminal debt from which the only possible means of escape is auctioning off your internal organs down some dirty Eastern European back alley to a man known as Borislav the Unhygienic.
Above: This is an artist's impression of Christmas. It looks harmless enough, but it will take all your money
Video games are also an expensive business. And they are an expensive business all year round. Not just December. You've got your machine to play the games on and then all the games that need getting and they aren't cheap and ooooh isn't that special edition with the night vision sword and officially branded tabard rather tempting and bugger I still need to buy the DLC to get all the stuff that really should have been in the game in the first place and so on and so forth until you die.
But at least we're buying all that gaming stuff for OURSELVES. We get to keep it. And that makes pissing all our money away a much easier financial burden to bear.
Christmas has got turkey. You eat it. That's it. But video games? Oh boy. Video games really know how to have fun with poultry.
Above: That's how to have fun with poultry
You can kick them. You can stab them. You can blow them up with dynamite. You can shoot them in crates. You can shoot them as they fly through the air. You can steal their eggs. You can grab their feet and temporarily harness the power of flight for your own means. You can dress up like poultry. You can even make your own virtual pretend character eat virtual pretend fried poultry until they do virtual pretend puke all over the floor. Forget the real-life un-fun of defrosting an enormous bird, when it comes to poultry-based entertainment, video games lead the way.
Most video games take longer to arrive than Christmas. That is true. But the wait is so much more enjoyable. There's the early rumour followed by the official announcement followed by the teaser trailer for a teaser trailer followed by the developer saying "BIG GAME 9 is going to be the biggest BIG GAME 9 ever" followed by the MEGATON news that for the first time ever in the BIG GAME series there will by flying motorbike multiplayer followed by a release date followed by a release date for the first DLC followed by a release date for the first patch... and on it goes like a glorious carnival parade with dancing girls and fireworks.
Above: A metaphor
And then there's Christmas, which orbits the entire year with all the warm-hearted promise of a fully operational Death Star. The 'build-up' is as subtle and dignified as being punched in the face by a Las Vegas casino. It doesn't even have the decency to wait for the end of November any more. Only children can't wait for Christmas. The rest of us can't wait for Christmas in the same way that we can't wait for a recurring rectal prolapse.
Christmas traditionally happens during winter. This is because it's the most coldest time of the year. This meteorological fact makes it even easier for nefarious retailers to trap weak-minded consumers inside warm shops where they become confused and disorientated and unable to not spend large sums of money on crap that nobody wants. Being cold is bloody miserable.
Luckily, as gamers, we can explore entire frozen continents and winter wonderlands and slippy slidey ice worlds without ever having to endure the actual freezing temperatures that define these types of frosty environment. And the best way to experience somewhere that is inhospitable and a bit cold is virtually. In a video game. Because there's no fun in freezing your ass off for real.
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