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9 reasons why video games are better than Christmas

As a man that makes a living writing words of varying quality about video games, I am contractually obliged to hold the opinion that video games are better than anything else in the world. And because it's Christmas I am also contractually obliged to write something 'seasonal'. So I thought I might as well combine these  two contractual obligations and make a feature explaining why video games are better than Christmas. Two birds, one stone. Here it is...


Yes, video games are also expensive, but at least we're spending the money on ourselves

Christmas is the most expensive time in the world. Even thinking about Christmas will send you spiralling into terminal debt from which the only possible means of escape is auctioning off your internal organs down some dirty Eastern European back alley to a man known as Borislav the Unhygienic.

Above: This is an artist's impression of Christmas. It looks harmless enough, but it will take all your money

Video games are also an expensive business. And they are an expensive business all year round. Not just December. You've got your machine to play the games on and then all the games that need getting and they aren't cheap and ooooh isn't that special edition with the night vision sword and officially branded tabard rather tempting and bugger I still need to buy the DLC to get all the stuff that really should have been in the game in the first place and so on and so forth until you die.

But at least we're buying all that gaming stuff for OURSELVES. We get to keep it. And that makes pissing all our money away a much easier financial burden to bear.


Video game poultry is more multi-faceted

Christmas has got turkey. You eat it. That's it. But video games? Oh boy. Video games really know how to have fun with poultry.

Above: That's how to have fun with poultry

You can kick them. You can stab them. You can blow them up with dynamite. You can shoot them in crates. You can shoot them as they fly through the air. You can steal their eggs. You can grab their feet and temporarily harness the power of flight for your own means. You can dress up like poultry. You can even make your own virtual pretend character eat virtual pretend fried poultry until they do virtual pretend puke all over the floor. Forget the real-life un-fun of defrosting an enormous bird, when it comes to poultry-based entertainment, video games lead the way.


We'd rather wait 3 years for a good video game than 1 year for a shit Christmas

Most video games take longer to arrive than Christmas. That is true. But the wait is so much more enjoyable. There's the early rumour followed by the official announcement followed by the teaser trailer for a teaser trailer followed by the developer saying "BIG GAME 9 is going to be the biggest BIG GAME 9 ever" followed by the MEGATON news that for the first time ever in the BIG GAME series there will by flying motorbike multiplayer followed by a release date followed by a release date for the first DLC followed by a release date for the first patch... and on it goes like a glorious carnival parade with dancing girls and fireworks.

Above: A metaphor

And then there's Christmas, which orbits the entire year with all the warm-hearted promise of a fully operational Death Star. The 'build-up' is as subtle and dignified as being punched in the face by a Las Vegas casino. It doesn't even have the decency to wait for the end of November any more. Only children can't wait for Christmas. The rest of us can't wait for Christmas in the same way that we can't wait for a recurring rectal prolapse.


Ice worlds and snow in video games aren't actually cold

Christmas traditionally happens during winter. This is because it's the most coldest time of the year. This meteorological fact makes it even easier for nefarious retailers to trap weak-minded consumers inside warm shops where they become confused and disorientated and unable to not spend large sums of money on crap that nobody wants. Being cold is bloody miserable.

Luckily, as gamers, we can explore entire frozen continents and winter wonderlands and slippy slidey ice worlds without ever having to endure the actual freezing temperatures that define these types of frosty environment. And the best way to experience somewhere that is inhospitable and a bit cold is virtually. In a video game. Because there's no fun in freezing your ass off for real.

45 comments

  • JHBorden - December 26, 2011 9:25 a.m.

    1000000 reasons why Video Games are > Hanukah > Ramadan and who wrote this article a jewish guy? Lol I'm not even remotley religious but substitute any other religious holiday as the lead in the title of the article like I did and see what happens. I encourage this site to do it to get the backlash from it and then go tell all those peeps to f off and have a merry chritmas!!!!(happy holidays my ass) ;)
  • nelsonsalazarii - December 25, 2011 10:26 p.m.

    I may be out of place here but I just need to voice my own opinion. 1st of all before start an argument make sure that you know who christmas is for, its not for Santa Clause nor the children of the world. It is a celebration of life! God's Birthday. The name itself says "Christ". Although technically no one knows God's Birthday but cmon its Christmas!
  • ThatFanInThePeacoat - December 24, 2011 10:56 a.m.

    Also, "Lolol-ing" is better than "Hoho-ing"
  • Hobogonigal - December 23, 2011 9:17 p.m.

    Well done Cundy, Merry Chrimbo to you as well. In Australia, the whole point about cold weather is reversed. The temperature starts to get roasting and we flee to the shopping centres for air conditioning. We just need to put a picture of Lylatwars' Sun level next to Uncharted for good measure.
  • Will.E 304 - December 23, 2011 8:29 p.m.

    I tend to leave video game poultry alone ever since i got carried away in Legend of Zelda: Ocarana of Time. Those cuccos sure did a number on me...
  • D0CCON - December 23, 2011 2:11 p.m.

    Shopping in videogames is also better since it lets you get richer. Go out into the wild, pick up some flowers, go to a store, and try selling them. See how well that works in comparison to the gold you can get in Skyrim from doing the same thing.
  • ItBurnsWhenIWii - December 23, 2011 1:37 p.m.

    Hooray for video games!
  • profile0000 - December 23, 2011 12:28 p.m.

    Fun read, and videogames don't require me to pay hundreds of dollars in airfare to get started, so there's that too.
  • RonnyLive19881 - December 23, 2011 10:08 a.m.

    Rofl, that was a bet to nerdy for me, I LOVE the Xmas season! Now to get serious... when are yall going to re-review Skyward Sword and give it the 10 it deserves? It was the best game this year besides maybe Ghost Trick and you only gave it a 9!!? WHY?!
  • RonnyLive19881 - December 23, 2011 10:09 a.m.

    *bit
  • Bonefox - December 23, 2011 2:16 p.m.

    What the hell is ghost trick?
  • UberNoob - December 23, 2011 6:58 p.m.

    It's a DS game I believe. About a guy who wakes up and realizes he is dead/was murdered, and that's all I really know.
  • Will.E 304 - December 23, 2011 8:36 p.m.

    A game that GR has been shoehorning into many articles for sometime now. All joking aside, the game is actually pretty good
  • RonnyLive19881 - December 24, 2011 6:58 a.m.

    It really is a great game, best story of the year easily. I'm hoping to see more games like Ghost Trick!
  • aommkk - December 23, 2011 9:26 a.m.

    http://url7。me/kVh4
  • Dadyo238 - December 23, 2011 9:01 a.m.

    Also, is that EVA from MGS3 in the cosplay pic?
  • bamb0o-stick - December 23, 2011 10:07 a.m.

    Yes. Definitely. The guns were a dead giveaway. I mean gun.
  • Dadyo238 - February 1, 2012 3:32 p.m.

    Lol

Showing 1-20 of 45 comments

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