The Bad Date Movie: A nine-hour long movie about the Holocaust. Put it this way, if this date doesn’t go badly, you probably know you’ve found yourself a keeper!
Impact On Your Evening: It will occupy all of it, and staring at a screen for nine hours probably isn’t the best way to spend quality time with a loved one.
Sleeping With The Enemy (1991)
The Bad Date Movie: Julia Roberts in a steamy romance? Sure-fire winner! Julia Roberts in a bizarrely misogynistic psychodrama? Slightly dodgier ground.
Impact On Your Evening: It depends what you were expecting. When Julia fakes her own death rather than making gooey expressions at a catalogue model, your date might feel slightly alarmed!
Funny Games US (2007)
The Bad Date Movie: Horror movies often make good date movies. However, one that shows a couple so utterly at the mercy of their antagonists probably doesn’t fit the bill. As bleak as they come.
Impact On Your Evening: Did you used to feel safe from harm so long as you had each other? Not any more.
9 Songs (2004)
The Bad Date Movie: Given the famous sex scenes you might have thought you were on to a winner with this one, but the steamy lovemaking soon gives way to tears and arguments in this painful dissection of a failing relationship.
Impact On Your Evening: You might avoid any damage if you turn it off after half an hour or so. Otherwise, you’re in for a long hard look at your relationship.
Kramer vs Kramer (1979)
The Bad Date Movie: A portrait of divorce and the subsequent legal wranglings over Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep’s kid. Nobody is winning here, least of all the institution of marriage.
Impact On Your Evening: The night takes a turn for the maudlin as one half of the couple starts recounting their own tale of a broken home.
Husbands & Wives (1992)
The Bad Date Movie: Woody Allen makes great date movies. Annie Hall and Manhattan are classics of the genre. Do not be fooled into thinking this is more of the same. This is about relationships going wrong, and very little else. Good, but hardly the kind of thing you cuddle up in front of…
Impact On Your Evening: Expect this to set any potential proposal back by a couple of years at least!
Rosemary's Baby (1968)
The Bad Date Movie: Roman Polanski’s harrowing horror about a man who pimps out his wife to the devil, and the subsequent pregnancy that follows. Misogyny, agonising childbirth, subjugation of women… all the ingredients are there for the perfect date! Or not.
Impact On Your Evening: “Would you ever sell me to the devil?” “No dear, of course not.” “I bet you would…” etc.
Revolutionary Road (2008)
The Bad Date Movie: Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio, reunited once more! But this ain’t Titanic . Instead, pretty much everything that can go wrong does go wrong for the ill-fated couple, right up to the crushingly downbeat ending. Oof!
Impact On Your Evening: If Kate and Leo can’t make it work, what chance do you guys stand?
21 Grams (2004)
The Bad Date Movie: Sean Penn and Naomi Watts are seemingly happy, but for the fact he’s got the heart of her dead husband in place of his own bum ticker. As you might have anticipated, things get messy and complicated sooner rather than later.
Impact On Your Evening: It shouldn’t be too bad, unless of course one of you is harbouring an organ that previously belonged to the other’s ex-lover. Then it could get awkward.
The Last Woman (1976)
The Bad Date Movie: Depression is a thorny issue for a date, particularly if the character in question is depressed on account of a woman. Then when he decides to cut off his manhood in order to rectify the problem… well the evening’s gone downhill a bit, hasn’t it?
Impact On Your Evening: If you’re out with a bloke you don’t really fancy, it’ll be a whole lot harder to bin him after watching this!
Dead Ringers (1988)
The Bad Date Movie: Jeremy Irons plays a pair of twin gynaecologists pioneering a new tool to be used on mutant women. If that doesn’t spell romance, we don’t know what does.
Impact On Your Evening: A series of long, quizzical looks will be coming the way of whoever picked this one off the shelf.
Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)
The Bad Date Movie: Taking your other half to see a piece of political rhetoric, no matter how well-intended, is a recipe for trouble. If the two of you disagree on matters, “lively debate” can progress to “slanging match” in the blinking of an eye.
Impact On Your Evening: One of you storming off, labelling the other a “fascist” at the top of your voice. Awkward…
9 1/2 Weeks (1986)
The Bad Date Movie: Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger re-write the Kama Sutra with their athletic bedroom exploits in this steamy erotic thriller. One to avoid since you’ll never manage to live up to it yourselves.
Impact On Your Evening: A strained back and an unwelcome trip to A & E.
How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days (2003)
The Bad Date Movie: A whole host of gender stereotypes are put on display, resulting in both men and women being shown in the worst possible light. Enough to put you off the opposite sex for a lifetime.
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll be looking for excuses to leave and join your respective mates within minutes.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
The Bad Date Movie: Nicolas Cage slowly drinks himself to death in this downbeat romance, that while sweet-natured, is irrecoverably sad. If you’re looking to have a nice, cheerful evening, you should probably look elsewhere.
Impact On Your Evening: Your partner will be keeping a beady eye on just how many drinks you have in the pub afterwards.
(500) Days Of Summer (2009)
The Bad Date Movie: A bittersweet relationship comedy, with an emphasis on the “bitter”, it’s almost impossible to watch this without losing your faith in young, carefree love. Mainly because Zooey Deschanel plays a bit of a bitch…
Impact On Your Evening: Alll those things you thought were cute and kooky about your other half? You’ll be looking straight past those to see if they’re secretly planning on breaking your heart.
Sleeping Dogs (2006)
The Bad Date Movie: Bobcat Goldthwaite’s low-budget comedy explores the impact on a newly engaged woman’s life, when she confesses to giving a dog a blow-job when she was younger. Do we really need to say more?
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll both be wondering what hideous skeletons are lurking in each other’s closets.
Blue Velvet (1986)
The Bad Date Movie: If you’re a David Lynch fan, taking a date to one of his movies is probably a good litmus test for how compatible you are as a couple. However, a gasmask-toting Dennis Hopper might be a little too much, too soon…
Impact On Your Evening: A few awkward questions as to whether you’ve “tried anything like that”.
Breaking Dawn pt. 1 (2011)
The Bad Date Movie: Asking someone to sit through this tedious vampire sulkathon is demanding enough, but Bella’s horrific birthing scene takes things on to a whole new level. Sex will not be on the cards after witnessing that!
Impact On Your Evening: Chances are you’ll be asleep long before the end credits roll.
The Bad Date Movie: Suggest watching this pitch black dramedy to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and watch as they waltz out of your life without looking back. Warped, deviant relationships might make for provocative viewing, but aren’t exactly conducive to a cosy night in.
Impact On Your Evening: “So, what about that paedophile, eh? He sure had it tough.”
When The Wind Blows (1986)
The Bad Date Movie: At least this movie couple truly love each other, and stay committed to one another throughout the film’s running time. The bad news is that they’re waiting to be engulfed by a nuclear holocaust. Bit of a downer…
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll end up spending the evening shifting canned foods down to the basement. Just in case…
In The Company Of Men (1997)
The Bad Date Movie: The male gender does not come across well in Neil LaBute’s searing tale of a pair of misogynists who set about ruining an innocent girl’s life, simply because they can.
Impact On Your Evening: He’ll end up wearing the popcorn, as she strikes a blow against the patriarchy. Bloody men, eh?
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
The Bad Date Movie: Doug Liman’s film is enjoyably frothy fun, but let’s be honest, both of you are going to walk out of the cinema feeling slightly rueful that your other half doesn’t look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie…
Impact On Your Evening: Both of you enquire as to whether the other has considered investing in a gym membership.
The Notebook (2004)
The Bad Date Movie: This is strictly one for the girls, for a very simple reason. Ryan Gosling is just too dreamy in this Nicholas Sparks slushfest to give any normal guy a fighting chance. If you fancy feeling like second best, go ahead and rent it, but otherwise, leave it to the ladies.
Impact On Your Evening: Both of you are forced to deal with the uncomfortable truth that she’d much rather be cuddling up to soppy old Ryan!
The Break-Up (2006)
The Bad Date Movie: Not only is The Break-Up not particularly funny, it also swerves the traditional rom-com happy ending by suggesting that Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are better of without each other after all. Erm, woo-hoo?
Impact On Your Evening: Not too disastrous, but you’ll certainly wonder whether there were better ways by which to fill ninety minutes.
Natural Born Killers (1994)
The Bad Date Movie: It’s a love story, but an extremely messed-up one. Romance and extreme violence make for uncomfortable bedfellows, and whilst this might be a stylish and gripping thriller, it won’t do much for your love life.
Impact On Your Evening: The two of you spend a night in the cells after pitching a brick through the window of the local Wetherspoons.
Bride Wars (2009)
The Bad Date Movie: Kate Hudson and Ann Hathaway prove that women just can’t help but turn into psychotic backstabbing wackos at the first sound of wedding bells. How very modern.
Impact On Your Evening: That ring will be staying firmly in its box. Sorry girls.
He's Just Not That Into You (2009)
T he Bad Date Movie: Aside from the fact that it’s, y’know, shit, this half-baked romcom could single-handedly destroy somebody’s faith in men. Serial cheaters, commitmentphobes, liars… all are supremely well represented in this sour little fable.
Impacted On Your Evening: An argument waiting to happen… “Were you looking at that waitress? Do you secretly hate me? Are you ever going to propose?”
The Road (2010)
The Bad Date Movie: A rousing survival thriller? Not so much. Try an ultra-depressing lament over the decline of the human race. Even heart-throb Viggo Mortensen is wearing a big, shaggy beard…
Impact On Your Evening: You can bond over the shared conclusion that there’s no point in anything, since humanity is pretty much fucked.
The Bad Date: Looking to score some points with a classy period drama? Looks elsewhere, as Thomas Hardy’s Jude The Obscure is relentlessly depressing from beginning to end. Why? “Because we are too many.” Says it all, really.
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll be on the phone to the babysitter every five minutes for the rest of the evening.
Hard Candy (2005)
The Bad Date Movie: Planning to get your girlfriend on-side with a bit of girl power, eh? Not with this, you won’t. Not unless castrating paedophiles flicks her switch. Check if she subscribes to The Daily Mail before giving this one a go.
Impact On Your Evening: Chances are he won’t be uncrossing his legs for a good 24 hours after this one.
The War of the Roses (1989)
The Bad Date Movie: Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner tear strips off each other for the duration of the movie, with reconciliation averted even at the last. A cold, cold portrayal of marriage!
Impact On Your Evening: If you were dragging your heels over heading down the aisle, this one might actually be an inspired choice!
Eden Lake (2008)
The Bad Date Movie: A couple embark upon a lovely lakeside holiday… only to find themselves at war with the local yoof. Michael Fassbender and Kelly Reilly might have movie-star looks at the beginning of the movie, but by the end… not so much.
Impact On Your Evening: A taxi home (you won’t want to walk through that estate after this) and an evening spent twitching the curtains.
Knocked Up (2007)
The Bad Date Movie: We like Knocked Up a lot. It’s funny, sweet-natured and boasts that rarest of beasts, a non-irritating performance from Katherine Heigl. However, having seen how just one unprotected encounter can lead to trouble, chances are that any romance will be done for the evening.
Impact On Your Evening: “Shall we just cuddle tonight?” “Yeah, I was thinking that. Let me just put a condom on first, though.”
The Bad Date Movie: On paper, it looks perfect: she gets to swoon over Gosling, he gets to lust after Mulligan, everyone can enjoy the unlikely romance that blossoms between the two of them. That’s all well and good for the first 40 minutes or so, but then Gosling gets his stamp on, and all hell breaks loose!
Impact On Your Evening: Any hand-holding will be of the white-knuckle variety after the tension of the second half!
Six Days Seven Nights (1998)
The Bad Date Movie: Sparky banter between two mismatched characters who end up falling for each other… none of that applies to this godawful clunker which chucks Anne Heche and Harrison Ford together and hopes for the best, despite their total lack of chemistry. You’ll be far too irritable for sweet nothings after an hour of Heche’s whining…
Impact On Your Evening: Whoever chose the movie can expect the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. Or even the rest of the week.
The Comfort Of Strangers (1990)
The Bad Date Movie: On the surface, you could be conned into thinking that this European thriller is going to be a steamy but essentially good natured romp. It stars Natasha Richardson and Rupert Everett, for heaven’s sake. However, when Christopher Walken turns up, things soon take a turn for the sadistic.
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll think twice about making conversation with any other couples who cross your path…
The Bad Date Movie: Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg play a married couple looking to get their relationship back on track with a nice country retreat. Perfectly harmless stuff, you might think. That is, until the genital mutilation kicks in.
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll probably be getting changed in separate rooms, into the thickest, dowdiest pyjamas you can find.
American Psycho (2000)
The Bad Date Movie: Men, some advice. Winning a lady’s trust is one of the key parts of converting a date into something more meaningful. Don’t undermine all your good work by sowing a seed of doubt in her head that you might be a nailgun-wielding nut-job!
Impact On Your Evening: If you’ve not slept together before watching this, don’t expect that to change in a hurry afterwards.
Fatal Attraction (1987)
The Bad Date Movie: If American Psycho will send the girls running, then Glenn Close’s bunny-boiling antics should scatter the chaps in similar fashion.
Impact On Your Evening: He’s been in the bathroom an awful long time, hasn’t he? Wait, is there a window in there?
The Bad Date Movie: It’s the feel-bad movie of 2009! Trust us, if you’re expecting romance after this harrowing saga of domestic abuse, you need your head looking at! It might be uplifting eventually, but by that point, the damage will have been done.
Impact On Your Evening: At best, a serious discussion of the film’s issues. At worst, floods and floods of tears.
The Bad Date Movie: You might think that a film starring professionally gorgeous A-listers Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman and Jude Law would be a frothy, upbeat treat. However, moody old Clive Owen is the clue. This one is every bit as depressing as one of his trademark wet-weekend-in-Scunthorpe scowls.
Impact On Your Evening: You’ll be rifling through each other’s phones, looking for evidence of bad behaviour.
Don't Look Now (1973)
The Bad Date Movie: Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie, then a real-life couple, share some passionate sex scenes in Nicholas Roeg’s eerie drama. That said, they’re also mourning a dead child and chasing after a hideous dwarf. So maybe not an ideal choice after all…
Impact On Your Evening: Sleeping with the lights on…
The Bad Date Movie: Body-horror and romance don’t tend to go hand in hand, and that point is doubly relevant when the body-horror in question involves a vagina with teeth. Guaranteed mood-killer.
Impact On Your Evening: Don’t be surprised if he makes his excuses a little earlier than anticipated.
The Bad Date Movie: What could be more cosy than a harrowing tale of teenage sex and drug abuse set against the backdrop of HIV-era New York? That’s right, nothing.
Impact On Your Evening: Prepare for your partner to demand a clean bill of sexual health before you even think about approaching the bedroom.
The Bad Date Movie: Michael Fassbender and Carey Mulligan play two desperately unhappy siblings, emotionally scarred by some unnamed trauma from their childhood. He deals with it through intense, emotionless sex; she, through emotionally incontinent club-singing. Neither can find much to smile about.
Impact On Your Evening: The matter of Fassbender’s famous appendage will linger uncomfortably between you like the proverbial elephant in the room.
Requiem For a Dream (2000)
The Bad Date Movie: A journey into the depths of despair, as a group of hopeless drug addicts destroy themselves and everything around them in pursuit of their next fix. Is there a happy ending? Give it a watch and find out for yourself!
Impact On Your Evening: A mutual numbed silence is the best you can hope for here.
Men Behind The Sun (1988)
The Bad Date Movie: What could bring two people closer together than a stunningly unflinching round-up of the atrocities committed by the Japanese during WW2? You both like extreme gore, right?
Impact On Your Evening: That lovely meal you ate before the film? You’ll be seeing that again, shortly.
Nil By Mouth (1997)
The Bad Date Movie: A grubbily depressing tale of domestic abuse, as Ray Winstone’s dissolute monster terrorises wife Kathy Burke for a perceived infidelity (actually an innocent game of pool). Powerful stuff, but grim in the extreme.
Impact On Your Evening: You probably won’t feel like a few drinks afterwards…
Blue Valentine (2010)
The Bad Date Movie: A searing deconstruction of a failed relationship, featuring such cheery Friday night issues as alcoholism, abortion and sexual rejection. Mmm, romantic.
Impact On Your Evening: A swift break-up, on account of the unshakable feeling that your relationship will likely end up in the toilet anyway.