Hans Gruber Die Hard (1988)
The Character: One of the most charismatic and marvellously evil baddies of 80s cinema - the tower block-seizing German terrorist intent on destroying John McClane.
The Beard: 80s Wall Street chic.
Strokability: Sure, he'd likely you fling you out a 40 storey window shortly after, but it'd be worth it just to see his megalomaniacal reaction.
Bearded Women Monty Python's Life Of Brian (1979)
The Characters: A bunch of men who are DEFINITELY NOT WOMEN who turn up for the daily stoning.
The Beards: As naff and knock-off as you can get.
Strokability: They'd probably fall apart mid-stroke, but you could certainly give it a shot.
Steve Zissou The Life Aquatic With Steve Sizzou (2004)
The Character: The titular explorer (Bill Murray), who’s on a vengeance-fuelled mission to take down a killer jaguar shark that may or may not exist.
The Beard: A fastidiously-trimmed salt n pepper number that looks great when paired with a bright red hat.
Strokability: Relatively high, though only because we think it might cheer Steve up a bit.
Joe (AKA The Man with No Name) A Fistful Of Dollars (1964)
The Character: One of the most iconic and stoic cowboys of all moviedom, Clint Eastwood's stranger is as enigmatic as he is deadly.
The Beard: Grizzled and worn, just like its owner.
Strokability: We figure it's a beard borne more from manliness than tenderness.
Clubber Lang Rocky 3 (1982)
The Character: The brash boxing up-and-comer who steals Rocky's crown (for a bit, anyway).
The Beard: The mohican really brings out the muttonchops.
Strokability: Sure, he'd likely you fling you out a 40 storey window shortly after, but it'd be worth it just to see his megalomaniacal reaction.
Jack Sparrow Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)
The Character: The most flamboyant, sexiest pirate oddball of all the seven seas.
The Beard: Any pirate worth his gold needs a beard. And Jack's is as particular as the rest of him - with two twiddlesome, beadable beard bits hanging down from his chin.
Strokability : As long as you're down with scurvy, go nuts.
Man - The Road (2009)
The Character: The imaginatively titled Man (Viggo Mortensen) is on a morally complex mission to survive in a ruthless post-apocalyptic world whilst protecting his son at all costs.
The Beard: Beards. BEARDS EVERYWHERE! Yep, it appears that when the apocalypse hits, razors vanish as quickly as morals. Not the most inviting of beards.
Strokability: He might think you're trying to steal it, and then it's goodbye consciousness.
Sgt. Michael 'Mike' Vronsky Deer Hunter (1978)
The Character: A Russian American steel worker transformed by his experiences in the Vietnam war.
The Beard: Gnarled but tidy.
Strokability: You'd want to stroke it just to try to take some of the PTSD pain away.
Al Pacino Jack & Jill (2011)
The Character: Al Pacino crops up in this bad taste comedy playing a version of himself who falls head-over-beard for Jill (a dragged-up Adam Sandler).
The Beard: A fake beard that Pacino uses to hide behind when he goes to watch sport.
Strokability: Stroke it and it’ll probably come away in your hands – and make Mr Pacino very, very angry.
Chewbacca - Star Wars (1977)
The Character: Legendary Wookiee and co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon.
The Beard: Arguably the most controversial on this list, at what point does a Wookiee's overall hairiness become a beard? Our argument - those chin wisps are definitely trimmable. Ergo beard.
Strokability: He'd growl whilst you're doing it, but it'd be worth it.
Calvin J. Candie - Django Unchained (2012)
The Character: The brutal, cruel owner of the Candyland plantation who likes to enjoy forcing his slaves to fight each other to the death. Charming.
The Beard: Arguably the most evil beard on this whole list. Look at it. Just pure, malevolent beardiness.
Strokability: At your peril.
Batman Batman Begins (2005)
The Character: Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale), who lost his parents as a kid and decides to transform his fear of bats into something positive by becoming Batman.
The Beard: The result of Bruce travelling the world in order to learn more about bad guys, this one’s unruly but undeniably stylish.
Strokability: It looks a bit too coarse to be properly strokable.
Bodhi Point Break (1991)
The Character: Like, super-cool surferdude, philosopher, bank-robber and all-round chilled out dude.
The Beard: 1990s styling at its finest. Mega-hair plus trimmed beard = retro hawt.
Strokability: He's a pretty welcoming guy, so it's definitely not out of the question.
Wolverine - X2 (2003)
The Character: Everyone's favourite mutton-chop mutant, X-Man Wolvie's alway's sporting some impressive face fuzz.
The Beard: While he's bearded in every X-Movie, it's X2 where his sideburns threaten to takeover his face. Flufftastic.
Strokability: There's a hefty chance he'd slice your fingers off in the process, but definitely worth a tender stroke.
Harry - Harry & The Hendersons (1987)
The Character: Bigfoot. You know, Sasquatch. Called Harry.
The Beard: You could argue the beard is simply an affectation of his 99% body hair. But really, look at it - that's a proper 'he-chooses-to-grow-that-thing' beard right there.
Strokability: Wispy and surprisingly clean. Great for all your musing-related stroking needs.
Romulus Ledbetter The Cavemans Valentine (2001)
The Character: A paranoid schizophrenic who lives in a cave in a New York park. Cheery.
The Beard: That is some bushy bearding going on right there. Bravo Samuel L. Jackson. Nicely offset by the dreads.
Strokability: Looks like cotton wool. Definitely strokeable.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Star Wars (1977)
The Character: Jedi Master extraordinaire and all-round zen-type dude.
The Beard: Nicely off-set by his Jedi robes, it's as regal and serene as the man wielding the lightsaber behind it.
Strokability: Perfect for those times when you're imparting midi-chlorian wisdom to your fledgling jedis in training.
Less Grossman - Tropic Thunder (2008)
The Character: The slimiest, fattest, most conniving and vitriolic of studio bosses, as played very against-type by Tom Cruise.
The Beard: There's a reason his surname is Grossman. As sculpted and preposterous as the rest of him.
Strokability: Whether from the caustic words spitting from the mouth enveloping it, or just the bristly stubbliness of it all, you'd probably lose a finger if you got near it.
Willie T. Stokes - Bad Santa (2003)
The Character: Willie T. Stokes (Billy Bob Thornton) does what it says on the movie tin - as the eponymous Bad Santa he's anti-everything and everyone.
The Beard : Technically, he has two. The Santa one is big, fluffy and as fake as the rest of the shambolic act. The beard lying beneath is the epitome of bar-dwelling chic - silver and stubbly.
Strokability: The fake one, fluff-tastically nylon. The real one's little more than stubble. Either way, that's not a pleasurable experience.
Captain Haddock The Adventures of TinTin (2011)
The Character: A perma-drunk, perma-grumpy and perma-faithful friend of TinTin's. Also a boat Captain.
The Beard: A proper bushy fisherman's beard, grown from weeks at sea - or, more accurately in Haddock's case, grown from being so inebriated that it's in no-one's best interests to wave a razor near his face.
Strokability: While the snuggliness is undoubtedly high, the saltiness quotient is just as overwhelming. As a result, Haddock would enjoy stroking it more than you.
Bob Arctor - A Scanner Darkly (2006)
The Character: Reeves stars as undercover detective Bob Arctor/Fred/Bruce addicted to a mind-altering drug that breaks down the barriers between fact and fiction in this adaptation of a Philip K. Dick novel.
The Beard: Everyone knows Keanu can rock a pretty meaty beard (the 'Sad Keanu' meme is only accentuated by said face-fuzz). But in Richard Linklater's rotoscope animated sci-fi adaptation, it takes on a quality both cartoonish and straggly.
Strokability: Tufty at best, so a good stroke's a no go.
Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate The Pirates! in an Adventure With Scientists (2012)
The Character: A not-very-subtly disguised stowaway, SCP (voiced by Ashley Jensen) is a lover and a fighter. Despite the surprisingly child-bearing hips and an affection for the Captain that borders on cuddliness, she's as good a pirate as the rest - cutlas, plank-walk, beard and all.
The Beard: Pretty flimsy, if we're being honest. Top marks for beardy subterfuge though.
Strokability: In reality, not so much - what with it being crafted from Aardman clay and all.
Noah Calhoun The Notebook (2004)
The Character: A charming country boy (played, of course, by Ryan Gosling) who has a whirlwind romance with Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams). But can it last the end of the summer?
The Beard: A RIDICULOUSLY hot beard that only serves to make Ryan Gosling EVEN MORE RIDICULOUSLY HOT than he already is.
Strokability: YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?
Vitruvius The LEGO Movie (2013)
The Character: A blind wizard and one of the Master Builders (read: Crazy Cool Guys) of Bricksburg. Has the voice of Morgan Freeman.
The Beard: A moulded bit of white plastic that’s been made to look like a beard.
Strokability: It’s made of plastic, so…
Ben Richards The Running Man (1987)
The Character: A police pilot who’s accused of committing a massacre, Ben (Arnold Schwarzenegger) becomes a contestant in a futuristic game show in which contestants fight for their lives.
The Beard: A relatively tame brunette smattering of hair – and one of the few times Arnie’s actually donned the facial fluff.
Strokability: We’re not sure an action man like Richards would welcome a beard stroke…
President Prime Minister Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen The Dictator (2012)
The Character: Leader of the Republic of Wadiya. He’s so immature that he makes Ali G look positively ancient.
The Beard: Black, woolly and perfectly symmetrical with the PM’s impressive 'do.
Strokability: Stroking probably isn’t an option, but this beard definitely looks super-absorbent.
Zod Superman II (1982)
The Character: Kryptonian leader with an ego the size of a planet. Enjoys wearing plunging necklines and scowling at people. A lot.
The Beard: A no-nonsense, shortly-cropped black beard that positively screams “INTERGALACTIC VILLAIN!”
Strokability: More likely to be stroked by Zod as he schemes away – try it yourself and end up in the Phantom Zone.
Stoick The Vast - How To Train Your Dragon (2010)
The Character: Viking leader who values nothing above the ability to kill/stab/destroy dragons. Sadly, his son Hiccup doesn’t seem to have much fight in him.
The Beard: Just as vast as his name suggests, this beard is bright red, massive and is even plaited off at the ends. Attention to detail is everything.
Strokability: Uh, Stoick’s a Viking, so we’d say NOT stroking his beard is pretty good for your health.
Ron Burgundy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
The Character: Legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) turns to facial hair at his lowest ebb - when he accidentally tells San Diego to go f*ck itself, he swiftly becomes unemployed, friendless and very beardy.
The Beard: As Hobo-y as they come, all unkempt and probably smelly. Throw in a milk guzzling that drips all over the place, and it's not a good place to me.
Strokability: That thing will smell of lactose for weeks. "Milk was a bad choice," indeed.
Leonidas 300 (2006)
The Character: Badass, six-packed king of the Spartans. Likes yelling things like “THIS IS SPARTA!”
The Beard: A Grecian masterpiece befitting of a king.
Strokability: We’d only agree to stroke it if he agreed to put away those sharp pointy things.
Moses The Ten Commandments (1956)
The Character: Moses (Charlton Heston). Parted the Red Sea. Climbed Mount Sinai. Received the Ten Commandments from on high. You know the chap.
The Beard: Damn near godly in its unerring fullness – this is the kind of beard you hope Santa Claus has. Or God, for that matter.
Strokability: So strokable we'd probably have a religious experience at a single touch.
King Triton The Little Mermaid (1989)
The Character: The King of the Sea. Well, technically - according to legend - it's his Dad Poseidon, but you get the drift.
The Beard: Full, gorgeously kept and surprisingly fluffy despite its aquatic surroundings.
Strokability: Look at that thing - you could use it as a pillow.
Gimli The Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Character: A grumpy dwarf warrior who’s also, somewhat grandiosely, known as the Lord of the Glittering Caves. Bling!
The Beard: A thick thatch of red that looks like it could blot out the sun.
Strokability: We can’t imagine dwarfs bath that often, so we’ll steer clear of this one.
Dumbledore Harry Potter (2001-2011)
The Character: Headmaster of Hogwarts and general wise old bloke. Often integral to Harry saving the day.
The Beard: Hippy beard! A fulsome grey/white cultivation fashioned into a sort of front ponytail.
Strokability: As strokable as a granddad beard can be. Plus, stroking it will probably give you magical powers.
Dr. Teeth - The Muppets Movie (1979)
The Character: The leader of the Electric Mayhem - the Muppets' grooviest of house bands.
The Beard: As orange as his nose and fluffy to the max.
Strokability: No more strokable than the rest of him - feltgasm.
Hagrid Harry Potter (2001-2011)
The Character: Kind-hearted half giant and friend/ally to Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.
The Beard: Frankly, MASSIVE. You could use that thing as a pillow during the long winter nights.
Strokability: Hagrid’s more interested in fantastical creatures than the upkeep of his facial hair, so we dread to think what we’d find in there.
Seneca The Hunger Games (2011)
The Character: The Head Gamemaker in the 74th Hunger Games, he’s (SPOILER ALERT) killed by President Snow when he fails to beat Katniss and Peeta at the games.
The Beard: A devilish ‘future beard’ that looks like it was shaved by harpies.
Strokability: Stroke this beard and pull back a bloody stump – it looks about as soft as a cheese grater.
Terl - Battlefield Earth (2000)
The Character: This Scientology-does-sci-fi movie travesty stars John Travolta in the leading role as Terl, the Psychlo security chief of Earth. A race so advanced they've perfected intergalactic travel, but not - apparently - facial grooming.
The Beard: Dreadlocks. ON HIS CHIN!
Strokability: You'd catch something. You'd definitely, definitely catch something.
Ming Flash Gordon (1980)
The Character: Best-known to his disciples as the fearsome Emperor Ming The Merciless (Max Von Sydow), which pretty much sums his up perfectly.
The Beard: A pointy thing that looks like it was pinched from a Chinese dragon – or the Devil himself.
Strokability: Ming likes to concoct a scheme or two and we’re sure the odd beard-stroke has been responsible for helping him concoct those schemes.
Madame Truska Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)
The Character: A member of the Cirque du Freak, a travelling freak show.
The Beard: Truska has the ability to create an indestructible beard at will – and then withdraw it without even having to use a razor and foam. We'll admit it, we're jealous.
Strokability: It’s a magical beard, so we’re likely to give this one a miss.
The Dude The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Character: A lazy bowler who’s never without a drink and a cardigan. Has awesome bowling dreams that involve Julianne Moore wearing a Viking costume.
The Beard: So well-kept that we’d happily raise a White Russian in its honour.
Strokability: Fairly high, though it depends on if a) The Dude’s washed lately, and b) there are drink dregs matted in there.
Merlin The Sword in the Stone (1963)
The Character: Magician and beard grower extraordinaire.
The Beard: Look at it. Just look at it. Glorious in its audacity and execution.
Strokability: We imagine it'd be like big pillowy clouds of hairy loveliness. That got weird quickly didn't it?
Mugatu Zoolander (2001)
The Character: A fashion mogul on a mission to brainwash a model into assassinating Prime Minster of Malaysia. Haute couture just got homicidal.
The Beard: Hipster fashion facial fuzz at its douchiest.
Strokability : Not likely - he'd probably freak out that you're meddling with his hair manicure.
MacReady The Thing (1982)
The Character: Hard-ass helicopter pilot who’s brought in to help investigate when a Norwegian camp is destroyed by a thermite charge.
The Beard: Perfectly-cultivated to provide both Arctic-proof warmth and aesthetic perfection.
Strokability: As his name hints, this one’s definitely StrokeReady.
Pai Mei Kill Bill Vol 2 (2004)
The Character: A strictly no-nonsense martial arts master who’s responsible for training/maiming both The Bride and Elle Driver.
The Beard: A silky, snow-white chin-crawler that’s all kinds of ghostly.
Strokability: This beard definitely gets its fair share of stroking – Pai Mei likes nothing better than whipping his beard about angrily/importantly.
Alan Parrish Jumanji (1995)
The Character: Alan (Robin Williams) was sucked into a dangerous board game in 1969 – when he finally emerges back into the real world 26 years later, he’s turned into a wily jungle cat. (Not literally.)
The Beard: Typical ‘crazy man’ beard. Alan’s not had a mirror for years, so he has no idea that he’s the owner of one of the most impressively untamed beards we’ve ever seen.
Strokability: We’d be worried about finding a rattle snake in there…
Gary Team America: World Police (2004)
The Character: Broadway star Gary Johnston, who’s recruited by Team America to help them infiltrate a terrorist organisation.
The Beard: Patchy at best – this is meant to be Gary undercover in Egypt, except they went slightly overboard with the sticky black fuzz.
Strokability: Zero. We want to be as far away from this as possible.
Gandalf The Lord Of The Rings (2001-2003)
The Character: Wise old wizard who has a habit of going on wild adventures. And being a diva when he doesn’t get what he wants.
The Beard: Goes from scratchy grey carpet to majestic white cloud in the blink of an eye. So blinding it terrified even Saruman.
Strokability: High. That thing looks soft as puppy dog tails.
Forrest Gump Forrest Gump (1994)
The Character: An Alabama native who goes from small-town lump to national sensation thanks to ping-pong and a love of long-distance running.
The Beard: A shaggy protuberance that Forrest only cultivates because he can’t stop running. Shaving just takes soooo long...
Strokability: Very low – just think how full of sweat, errant flies and car fumes that thing is.
The Hermit - Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
The Character: A recluse who's taken on a vow of silence, moved to the desert, and let his beard hair grow spectacularly long.
The Beard: Nude but for the beard he's taken 18 years to grow. It's quite a sight.
Strokability: We would't get too close, for fear of brushing up against something a little more naked.