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5 reasons to hate Final Fantasy

Few videogame franchises have as rabid a fanbase as Final Fantasy. Stretching all the way back to the series’ NES debut, the intense love FF fans have shown the series has made its title increasingly oxymoronic over the years. But you know what? We’re not here to love your favorite game. And as 2010’s Week of Hate officially draws to a close, we offer…

1. Giant novelty swords, hair

After Final Fantasy VII, the series became the standard-bearer for ridiculous weapons and fantastically stupid hair. What started with Cloud’s ginormous Buster Sword and emo spike-top would later give us such laughable implements of destruction as Squall’s Gunblade, Lulu’s stuffed-animal sidekicks (and belts masquerading as a dress), the folding weapons of FFXIII and whatever that blue thing is that Tidus fights with. That's to say nothing of Wakka's towering red cowlick or Kuja's shaggy blue plumage. Does all that stuff make Final Fantasy’s designs memorable? Yes. But it also makes them impossible to be taken seriously by grown humans.


Breathtakingly accurate art by Tyler Wilde 


2. Blitzball

What are Final Fantasy fans’ two favorite things? If you said “sports and minigames,” not only are you wrong, but you probably had a hand in designing Final Fantasy X’s most excruciatingly dull time-sink, you horrible bastard.


Above: AGGGGHHH MAKE IT STOP 


3. It tries to pass off MMOs as numbered entries

Can you imagine if Final Fantasy Tactics had simply been called Final Fantasy VIII? Or if Mega Man Battle Network had been Mega Man 9? Probably not, because that would be weird. Most creators don't really like it when their fanbase quits in a rage, so when a series radically shifts its genre, those games tend to happen as spinoffs. So why, then, is it acceptable that two numbered entries in Final Fantasy’s core lineup (XI and XIV) are MMOs? Games like Final Fantasy tend to concentrate on story, visuals and single-player combat. MMOs are endless, decidedly un-cinematic grindfests that cost $15 a month just to play. Final Fantasy forces you to watch as your giant, elaborate summoned-monster attacks demolish your foes; FInal Fantasy XI forces you to fight hundreds of rabbits until you're powerful enough to kill a goblin. Final Fantasy XI is not Final Fantasy, no matter how many Chocobos and Blue Mages they cram in there.


Above: GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEADS


4. Spinoffs dramatically outnumber the core games

In the past 10 years, there have been more than 30 games released bearing the Final Fantasy name. Of those, exactly five have been new, numbered entries (one of which was XI, which again, arguably doesn’t count). The rest have been remakes, offshoots or sequels that always fall short of the originals. It was a huge deal when the first true sequel - X-2 - happened, but since then, seemingly every core game has been an excuse to squeeze out a couple of tangentially related follow-ups. XII got strategy-RPG Revenant Wings, VII got Crisis Core and Dirge of Cerberus, and they all got Dissidia Final Fantasy. And none have been as disappointing as the overpriced mess that is Final Fantasy IV: The After Years.


Above: Throw an "F" in there, and suddenly it's almost funny


5. They still haven’t remade FFVII, even though there’s a huge market for it

Yes, yes, we’re familiar with all the arguments Square Enix has made against this. We know it would take the company an unreasonable amount of time and resources to update a 13-year-old game to the point where it would look on par with something like Final Fantasy XIII.

But you know what? We don’t care. If the company can pump out Crisis Core, Dirge of Cerberus, Dissidia Final Fantasy, Advent Children and all the rest of its endless spinoffs and unrelated games, it can damn well make an acceptably pretty Final Fantasy VII for the current-gen market. Not only would it fly off store shelves if it ever hit, but people would finally stop asking us if we know when it’s going to come out.


Above: NOT ANYTIME SOON, OK?

March 26, 2010

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70 comments

  • IJayZz - November 16, 2012 6:26 a.m.

    I hate people with this kind of shit: Hating a game/movie/book. I can't stand how retards like this are even wasting their time creating crap like this. A life is highly recommended to get. What's your favorite game, sir? What's your favorite TV-series? How do you feel when someone makes shit about your favorite things? This is fucking retarded! It'd be the same if I made a video of why I hate pizza, or why I hate a person, like you. Why do you criticize the game characters in Final Fantasy? I could fucking criticize Mario's clothes and how fat he fucking is. You are fucking childish. People, stop shit like this, do something worthy with your lives.
  • Besin - December 18, 2011 5:02 p.m.

    1. Outrageous weapons and hair. So what if the weapons are outrageous? It's their own universe. They can do what they want. If you don't like it that's fine, but you know what they say- opinions are like arseholes. As for crazy hair and dresses made of belts, have you been to Japan? Obviously not, since you think that's outrageous. It's called culture. Inform yourself. (Little snippet of info: Japan is becoming the fashion hub of the world.) 2. Blitzball. People don't like it because they're not playing. Play it on Manual for a change with a neutral heart and a gamer's spirit and THEN make an argument. 3. MMOs The fans were demanding one. This was their middle finger to those stupid enough to ask. 4. Spinoffs Three things to say: 1. Who cares? More games for me. 2. Only trolls count FFXI, FFX-2, and FFXIV as Final Fantasy games. 3. Final Fantasy IV was not made by Square Enix. 5. Remake of FFVII Yeah- and have everyone complain that it's not exactly the same? They'd have to remove- not to mention add- quite a bit to make the game both T rated and satisfying. A lot can be said for "slipping through customs" due to graphic constraints, but they won't have that problem with a remake. How about this- YOU direct the re-make. You officially can't use camera angles for 99.9% of the game. Good luck making it exactly the same plus better graphics without the characters looking like a bunch of kids role-playing and too nervous to do anything other than a signature hair-flip. And don't get me started on the tone, which will be much darker with the introduction of the fact that the characters look more human than boxy. Give them some credit. They know what they're doing.
  • wd3k - September 1, 2011 3:12 p.m.

    "But it also makes them impossible to be taken seriously by grown humans." No it doesn't. It's called freedom of expression and there's nothing wrong with those designs. "It tries to pass off MMOs as numbered entries" So? No one's forcing you to play those. "Spinoffs dramatically outnumber the core games" Again, so? Explain how this whatsoever affects the quality of the series. You did not offer any reasons at all. What an incredibly dumb article.
  • Bluefox - April 26, 2011 8:53 a.m.

    On closer consideration, I wonder if they're trying to go back to their roots with The Last Story series?
  • Bluefox - April 26, 2011 8:51 a.m.

    Since FFIX, it's just not the same anymore. I'm putting some hope in FFXV, but that's it.
  • trojan12 - April 26, 2011 2:37 a.m.

    Am I the only person who not only liked, but became proficient in Blitzball?
  • Besin - December 18, 2011 3:43 p.m.

    Fan of blitzball here! AKA: I don't just sit around on Auto and freak out every time a conflict occurs. Manual mode all the way!
  • amedeus - April 4, 2011 11:12 p.m.

    I agree with almost all of this (especially 3... damn you Square Eunuchs), except that Blitzball may have been my favorite part of FFX. I've loaded up the game, played Blitzball, saved, and turned it off again without doing any adventuring. Good times.
  • Besin - December 18, 2011 3:44 p.m.

    Final Fantasy III was made by Nintendo, not SE.
  • Guardian88 - December 29, 2010 9:24 a.m.

    WHAT A BULLS*** ARTICLE!!! Games Radar really doesnt like Final Fantasy. If you're gonna hate on FF, then think of a more beleviable reason.
  • sheldon1979 - December 28, 2010 2:08 p.m.

    i totally agree im a hell of a final fantasy fan and 7 was the best they can keep the spinoffs 10 was fair great article thanks GR
  • OrionOnyx - December 15, 2010 1:15 a.m.

    I officially hate this article... I'm kind of a FF fanatic XD
  • KrazyGamer - July 30, 2010 5:30 a.m.

    Final Fantasy sucks. Period.
  • Frostfire - June 23, 2010 10:07 p.m.

    Hmm i was expecting some hate. aside from the first point this is all stuff fanboys whine about. Just FYI i love Final Fantasy.
  • philipshaw - March 30, 2010 11:41 a.m.

    I'm a FF fan and all this is so true. I agree with you that FFVII has to be remade
  • AlexTheSemiGreat - March 30, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    Speaking of Square Enix. In a gaming company competition they are currently getting hammered by Zyngo. Aka the makers of farmville. Help stop this madness please... http://www.escapistmagazine.com/global/tournaments/standings/2-2010-March-Mayhem-Developers-Showdown
  • doomdude - March 30, 2010 12:07 a.m.

    still waiting for the ffVII remake, dont own a ps2 and my ps3 wont play it
  • NinjaJamez - March 29, 2010 10:51 p.m.

    people will hate me but i kinda liked blitzball.... seriously
  • Cyberninja - March 29, 2010 8:29 p.m.

    i dont think they would have a justify able reason why they made ff11 a mmo
  • Xplosive59 - March 29, 2010 2:31 p.m.

    "Final Fantasy XI is not Final Fantasy" thank you, at least someone agrees

Showing 1-20 of 70 comments

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