30 rules every RPG must follow

The perfect storyline outlined and spoiled

Now that you're an established hero, it's time to leave the mainland. To do that, you’ll need to fly, but there are no planes in RPGs – that would be silly. You’ll need to acquire an airship.

The best way to get a flying ship is to steal it from pirates. If you haven’t done that by now, you’re still not a complete failure. Think back to all the friends you’ve made along your journey, which one was the best engineer? Go find that guy. He probably just completed his experimental airship and would love to let you fight evil with it. And redundantly...

Before mounting your final assault on the evil empire’s ultimate fortress, you’ll need at least one of these.

Above: If you can get five, it's even better

You’ll need this ship because the villain's fortress can fly. They always fly, and just to rub it in your face, they tend to be named the “Flying Fortress.” Luckily, hovering high above earthbound heroes makes most evildoers overconfident and they won't remember to lock the doors.

But before you get to the final dungeon, you’ll still need to actually retrieve that item from the Frozen Northlands. You’ll find it buried at the very bottom of an ancient temple. This temple is countless thousands of years old and moist. It will probably smell terrible, but it doesn’t matter, you can’t smell a game.

As part of its really old, stinky security system, the doors won't open to anyone who isn't a descendent of the Ancients. So it's a good thing…

This race happens to look, act, think, eat and sleep exactly like normal humans. The only characteristic that will differentiate them will be their key role in saving the world.

Head down to the bottom of the temple and recover the lost artifact, which happens to finally complete…

which is the key to solving most of the problems you have.

With science on your side, victory is almost certain, so a truly epic RPG (like this one) will compensate by creating a staggering moral dilemma. Just as you’re about to leave the temple, you’ll be confronted by your arch-rival and learn…

Nothing says “attempt to emotionally confuse the player” like adding a long lost brother story.