11 video game characters that would take home Olympic gold

Every four years, athletes from around the world travel thousands of miles to compete in the most prestigious event in all of sports : the Olympics. Countless hours of intense practice are clocked in as the Michael Phelps and Abby Wambachs’ of the world step into their sports of choice to compete against the worlds’ best.

As this year’s Olympics continue in London, we couldn’t help but picture these outstanding athletes duking it out for the gold against our favorite video game characters. In fact, we compiled a list of 11 events our beloved characters would not only take the gold home in, but utterly dominate the competition.

Sonic’s lustrous history, defined by years of fast-paced platforming action, creates the ultimate pathway to hurdling success. Not only is the Olympic event much more than a speed race, it’s a sport of well-planned stepping that determines one’s ultimate success and failure. That sounds quite a bit like a platformer, does it not?

The most famous hedgehog of all-time has always been described as a character that focuses intensely on a challenge and is impatient anything slower than he is – attributes that make for a gold medal hurdle winner. Sonic would take a demanding lead by utilizing his balled-up boost (which would certainly be questioned by the Olympic committee), and would cruise to the finish line with speed and excellently timed jumps. Better yet, Sonic’s impressive performance wouldn’t need a cash bonus that most athletes come to expect; a few gold rings would suffice.

Shooting isn’t one of the first events that comes to mind for most people when they think of “Olympics” or “athletes.” In fact, it’s always been kind of an oddity: valued, but never popular. Regardless, it’s in there, and after three epic installments in the Mass Effect universe, we can’t but feel that Garrus’ combat specialties are viewed in much the same manner. Whereas some call themselves “rifleman experts,” Garrus refers to himself “Turian Agent who played a vital role in the war against the Reapers.” Which would you rather have handling a rifle?

His ability to hit foes from any distance, in any environment, would make him a sure-fire gold medal Olympian. Medaling in this event is decided by fractions of a second, as athletes take out clay targets at various lengths in unpredictable conditions. Having trained since fifteen when he joined the Turian military, Garrus has faced more threatening foes and situations countless times beforehand, making clay targets seem like a walk in the park.

Though you may not normally hear the line “You are so crooked you could swallow nails and spit out corkscrews” at an equestrian outing, that’s exactly the type of skilled horseman you’d get with John Marston, Red Dead Redemption’s lively protagonist. Equestrian’s a longtime Olympic event that centers on three disciplines, dressage, eventing, and jumpage - classifications that Marston shows early and often in 2010’s Wild West blockbuster.

While other athletes in the event are training in enclosed arenas, Marston’s broken in hundreds of wild horses and ridden them across the Midwest and down into Mexico. Simply put, the man knows his way around a horse. Marston’s endless shootouts and chases have also given him an extravagant knowledge of eventing and jumpage in rough terrain- the perfect primer for the Olympic event. Though Marston might have trouble living up to the proper behavior flaunted during these meets, we can’t help but think his unique charm and customary tip of the hat would win the judges over and earn him the gold.

Weightlifting isn’t a glorious sport; in fact, it’s a competition filled with gruesome faces, hideous tights, and brute force. It’s all about pushing one’s body to its absolute limits - something the Prince of All Cosmos knows all too well.

Aside from having a true winner’s name and the face of a champion (just look at those adorable eyes), the Prince of All Cosmos has become accustomed to agonizing upper body tasks, having pieced together the entire universe in an repugnant outfit after a black hole decided to ruin his family’s vacation. The Prince also benefits from being smaller in stature: his dinky arms and legs means it’ll take far less distance to finish a weightlifting rep.

While everyday folk climb up a surfaces and come down the same way, the assassins in Assassin’s Creed choose a much more thrilling and satisfying route to descend: the leap of faith. This epic form of free-falling makes Assassin’s Creed’s Ezio the perfect candidate to win the gold medal in Olympic diving.

Used in equal measure to escape pursuers and hunt down targets, the leap of faith has been a concept mastered by assassins for hundreds of years. Ezio would ostensibly find the Olympic’s form of the leap a breeze in terms of the surface he’d be diving into (water rather than a pile of hay). His precision and focus on not attracting enemy attention during his jumps would easily transfer over to water diving, where judges’ scores factor in the size of each splash. Additionally, this would finally be Ezio’s chance to wear his sexy waterproof assassin’s gear. Speedos are great and all, but a hooded Olympian plummeting from 10 meters is unarguably cooler.

Olympic wrestling and its various forms all center around one key component: grappling – how well you attack and counteract your opponent from a standing position and onto the ground. Though several video game characters have demonstrated their wrestling abilities in top-notch form, none have done so better than that gargantuan Russian bad boy, Zangief.

Street Fighter’s “Red Cyclone” isn’t just all muscle and brawn, though that alone could win him a gold medal in the super heavyweight division; his skillset and past experiences (like wrestling with bears) make him an intimidating world warrior. We should probably mention that the super heavyweight division features grapplers weighing around 200 to 250 pounds. Zangief weighs in at 350 pounds. Advantage: Red Cyclone.

Maybe Zangief is a stereotypical Russian male: the hulk-like figure from the “Mother Motherland.” But he’d undoubtedly bring home another wrestling gold medal for Russia, who’ve already earned over 60 since 1896.

When the Olympics begin, we always hear about several inspiring stories – athletes overcoming roadblocks in their lives, eventually making it to the grandest stage of them all. What if we told you about a plumber who always desired to become more: the hero? Someone who would eventually become a gold medalist in Olympic high jumping? That’s exactly how Mario would capture the hearts of millions once again.

Mario has and always will be synonymous with jumping. It’s a no brainer that he would be perfect for this high-flying event - provided he’s allowed to do two small jumps before his actual qualifying leap. The Olympic committee may outlaw Mario’s Super Leaf power-up, but we’re confident his springy characteristics would be enough to bring home the gold.

Yeah, yeah, Lara Croft would look extremely gorgeous in a unitard - but that’s not the real reason she would take down the likes of Jordyn Weiber in women’s gymnastics. Croft has been around the world and back, facing several “close calls” that have revealed her impressive athletic ability. What other Olympic gymnast has vaulted through an ancient booby-trapped tomb ? None.

With every game, Lara’s proven herself capable of absurdly difficult athletic stunts: running on walls, leaping through the air, and climbing precarious cliffs in one clean motion. The truth of the matter is that Croft has used individual gymnastic events in many of her escapes and enemy encounters. Performing in front of millions would be nothing to her after facing the perils of falling rocks, poisoned arrows, and vicious wildlife.

From an outsider’s perspective, there’s not much of a difference between women and men’s gymnastics. But the glaring difference between the two lies in the physique of the male athletes: they’re incredibly ripped. One character that’s built like a gymnast and whose abilities surpass those of the participants in men’s gymnastics is none other than the Prince of Persia.

The Prince’s gymnastic background is apparent throughout his past journeys. Though he’s more focused on balance and swinging, rather than the vaulting perfected by Lara Croft, his wide range of skills are evident, and superior, to all other athletes in the event. If the Prince can swing his way through a castle amidst an enormous sandstorm, we’re sure he can swing in an arena without the threat of an impending boss battle. Plus, if he messes up, he can just use the Sands of Time to try again. Wait, that’s not allowed? Come on!

The phrase “making your mark” may not be the Olympic tagline for archery, but it’s certainly not far off. In an event that’s dominated by precision and accuracy, who better to take home the gold than the revered Legend of Zelda protagonist, Link? Though he hasn’t always carried a bow and arrows, Link’s archery skills have developed substantially, and are now as finely honed as his impressive swordsmanship.

His ability to handle a bow spans from the largest, most terrifying of enemies to the smallest of switches that need to be activated. No aspect of this sport will surprise him; he’s up for overcoming any challenge. And who knows; he may also pioneer a new series of archery utilizing everything from bomb arrows to ice arrows.

Dark Sector’s eerie protagonist, Hayden Tenno, isn’t just a virus-suppressing CIA agent; he’s also an Olympic-quality discus thrower. Not only does Hayden carry around a tri-pronged, boomerang-esque weapon that has the ability to dismember enemies - he’s unable to feel pain, which would allow him to practice as much as he wishes without suffering a Tommy John-style arm tear. The virus that infected Hayden also jacked his arm up, giving him inhuman strength. A little unfair for other competitors in the event, maybe, but he’d still pass a drug test.

Likewise, Hayden’s “discus” has to be the most exquisite in the event, and that’s without any sponsorship from Nike or Adidas. His only downfall would be his attachment to his glaive; not once did we see it not return to his grasp, though we do not see anyone messing with any object Hayden calls his.

By our count, our favorite video game characters would be bringing home 11 Olympic gold medals; if Video Games were a country, they’d outperform half of the participating countries from Beijing 2008. We’re not an industry that gets much glory, but we can lay our heads down tonight knowing we’ve played as Olympic champions. That has to count for something, right?

Which characters do you believe would win Olympic events? Let your voice be heard by commenting below.

If you want to see Mario and Sonic team up for the Olympics, check out the 15 most bizarre crossovers in gaming. If you could care less about outdoor activities, including all sports events, why not read up on 13 video game alternatives to boring summer activities.