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Even the biggest, baddest videogame characters must've been kids at some point. So we went searching through some old files and came up with some very interesting documents. The school report cards of some of gaming's most well-loved heroes. Turns out they showed potential (and warning signs) very early on...
Zombie (Plants vs Zombies)
Teacher's Comments: Zombie has definitely got brains, theres no question of that. Hes also single-minded when he sets himself a goal, sometimes to his own detriment. Zombie is also performing well in sport, particularly in the school football team. However, natural sciences, in particular biology, is by far his weakest subject. The botanical unit of the semester has been particularly trying and we did have an unfortunate moment during a practical lesson when his head fell off. But Zombie has since agreed to try wearing a bucket on his head and that seems to be aiding his progress.
Mario (Super Mario Bros)
Teacher's Comments: Mario is liked by almost everyone and approaches any and every task with abundant enthusiasm. Hes always smiling, keen to impress when it comes to the arts in particular painting and music and demonstrates all-round ability no matter what he turns his hand to. However, he does seem inwardly very competitive, always looking to outshine his brother, which has created some tension. Mario is always looking to develop his skill set and seems the most willing of any pupil to adapt to new ideas and ways of thinking. The old adage jack of all trades comes to mind, but if he continues at this pace, he could well become master of all. Except, perhaps, plumbing he never seems to complete any practical work in shop.
Nathan Drake (Uncharted)
Teacher's Comments: Nathan is top of history class, to the extent that he is already expanding the knowledge of our teaching team in the subject. He is also incredibly competent when working with the apparatus in physical education lessons, worrying his teacher with his disregard for his own safety. However, his approach to other subjects is a little slapdash. With more focus, Nathan could be a great all-rounder, but seems instead to rely on natural wit to get him through any assignment. He is friendly with the other pupils but worryingly willing to make enemies with those who disagree with him. He could do with a strong mentor to hone his impressive natural aptitude.
Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Teacher's Comments: Sonic has an attitude problem, which he seems to be proud of rather than accepting as an issue. We suspect Sonic may be suffering from Attention Defecit Disorder as he appears visibly restless literally five seconds after attention is turned away from him, which is unfair on the other pupils. However, to his credit, he is the first to stand up to school bullies and the younger children all look up to him as a result. Sadly, Sonic has shown zero interest in academic pursuits, electing instead to enter every sporting class available. His strength in athletics, in particular track events, looks promising and a glittering career as a runner seems most likely if he can kerb his penchant for snack food.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)
Teacher's Comments: Solid is an excellent student who learns his subjects in extreme detail. His aural skills are exemplary and he is one of the best communicators in his class. However, he does like to push the boundaries when it comes to misbehaving and has been caught smoking around the back of the bike sheds on far too many occasions. His cigarettes are always confiscated but he always seems to be able to find more from somewhere. Solid is a favourite with the girls, but also commands respect from the boys. He enjoys acting, but has been accused of augmenting his scenes in school plays with frequent, needless exposition.
Dovahkiin (Skyrim)
Teacher's Comments: Dovahkiin has seen surprisingly swift development throughout this semester. He always seems to absorb the most information in the morning after a good nights sleep, becoming less and less receptive as the day goes on. He is also quick to pick up the basics of any subject, but appears to slow in his understanding as he reaches more complex, deeper concepts. He loves to converse with other students, but does have a tendency to shout, which often ends discussions in his favour. Dovahkiin excels at science, in particular chemistry, and has a keen but worrying interest in the occult something which needs to be monitored as he progresses.
Pac-Boy (Pac-Man)
Teacher's Comments: Pac-Boy seems totally disinterested in his schoolwork and instead seems only to live for the weekends where we have reason to believe he sneaks into nightclubs. He shys away from other pupils during class hours, but occasionally seems to become a different person, aggressively chasing others which usually sends them fleeing in fear to the headmasters office. This could be due to his sweet-heavy diet which contains all manner of artificial colours and additives. We fear he is easily led, whether north, south, east or west, and are concerned he may develop a drug problem in his teenage years if not correctly monitored.
James Earl Cash (Manhunt)
Teacher's Comments: James has become the subject of much debate in Carcer City Secondary School. Ever since the reception class incident where he was found with his hands around the neck of a fellow pupil, James has had issues when it comes to violence. Teachers have been forced to tidy away staplers, compasses, pens and pencils, allowing James to use equipment only when absolutely necessary and then only under direct supervision. We are also sad to say we can no longer have class pets while James is at the school.
Kratos (God of War)
Teacher's Comments: Kratos is a wonderful pupil. Always happy, always smiling, always the first to help others. He works and converses with well-reasoned and articulate verbal arguments which has made him a mainstay of the schools debating team. He is also a highly religious, god-fearing boy who respects authority and feels uncomfortable around classroom conflicts. Kratos favourite classes are needlework and history the love of which he combined to make a beautiful patchwork quilt for his history teacher last year. If things stay on track, Kratos should become a liked and respected family man.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)
Teacher's Comments: Lara continues to impress in all of her studies. She is particularly skilled in gymnastics and history. She also seems to be far more resilient than the other pupils despite her boundless enthusiasm and disregard for her own welfare in sports events, shes always first up and ready to go again. Lara is popular with the boys although she doesnt seem to fit in with the girls, perhaps due to her natural aptitude that sees her fly through class assignments. Despite her strong personality and problem-solving prowess, Lara has some disconcerting views on endangered species and has already accidentally set classmates on fire on three separate occasions this year.
Larry Laffer (Leisure Suit Larry)
Teacher's Comments: Larry is most enthusiastic about P.E. (which we dont really understand as he isnt particularly sporty) and Art, in which he only seems interested in looking at the books we have on the history of art. He has come up with some surprisingly inventive ideas in Design & Technology class, even winning a class competition with his idea for a camera small enough to fit on the end of a shoe. Despite some behavioural problems, his disobedience is mostly harmless and quite endearing, although we are constantly having to tell him to take his hands out of his pockets.
Pikachu (Pokemon)
Teacher's Comments: Pikachu is bright and lively although his vocabulary continues to remain extremely limited, something which has his tutors at a loss. However, he still seems able to communicate his emotions, something which has endeared him to everyone especially the girls. Pikachu works best as part of a team and can become tired quickly when working on his own, although his practical skills in science and shop are exemplary. However, he flat-out refuses to get into a Pokeball which has caused some distress this term. We would also advise monitoring Pikachus egotistical nature as he has started coming to school with a lunchbox bearing his own likeness.
Did you go to school with a games character?
Perhaps you remember Zak from DoA and his suggestion for a school bikini pageant? Or maybe you remember that girl with glasses who was always combing her long black hair... that seemed to bite you when you weren't looking. If so, let us know in the comments!
