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The Top 7... Worst scenes in Uwe Boll movies

The movie: Paranormal investigators Edward Carnby and Aline Cedrac explore a nonsensical plot involving ancient relics and zombies controlled by worms implanted at the base of their spines.

Above: Incidentally, this is the only time in the movie that anyone is actually alone in the dark

Then a bunch of heavily armed government commandos show up and turn the whole thing into a SciFi Channel Original Movie, only somehow louder and stupider and dumber and shittier.

Above: You could say they’re alone, if by 'alone' you mean 'alone with all their commando friends'

The worst scene: We’re tempted to give this one to the narrated, seemingly hours-long opening text crawl, but that’s not just terrible – it’s boring. So instead, we’re going to focus on what even Boll himself admits is the movie’s weakest point: Tara Reid trying to act like a brainy museum curator.

Above: Yeah, right

Now, we’ve got nothing against pretty women who want to pull their hair back, don a pair of glasses and start rattling off a bunch of important-sounding facts and figures. It’s a basic cornerstone of popular cinema. But when a baby-faced, squeaky-voiced celebutard does it, and does it in a stiff monotone while apparently reading her lines off a computer screen, well, we’re unimpressed.

Above: ‘Christian, can you move your hand? I can’t see my next line’

Couple her embarrassingly disposable performance with the moronic fight (seriously, who keeps a car in their living room?) and unconvincing chase that follow, and you’ve got a scene that neatly encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the film: its scare-free direction, its near-incomprehensibility and its idiotic emphasis on gunplay (remember that part in the game where all the commandos smashed in and started shooting all the monsters for you and completely removed all tension and fear? Yeah, neither do we).

After graduating from college in 2000 with a BA in journalism, I worked for five years as a copy editor, page designer and videogame-review columnist at a couple of mid-sized newspapers you've never heard of. My column eventually got me a freelancing gig with GMR magazine, which folded a few months later. I was hired on full-time by GamesRadar in late 2005, and have since been paid actual money to write silly articles about lovable blobs.